Gary Gulman: You Make My Dreams Come True

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Like brown paper packages wrapped up in string, you need to know some of my favourite things.

BIGGITY-BAM!

Gary Gulman

This, my lovelies, is Gary Gulman. (I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!!!!) Here are some facts: Gary Gulman is a man. Gary Gulman is a comedian. Gary Gulman is 6’6″. Gary Gulman used to teach kids. Gary Gulman is Jewish. *single blink* It’s biologically impossible but I’m mostly sure Gary Gulman manifested from my wishes, prayers and dreams of my childhood. What isn’t a dream is the day Gary Gulman followed me on Twitter, affording me the opportunity to ask if he’d participate in a Single Blink Q&A.  So that’s happening right now (p.s. you’re welcome!)

What you need to know: Everything bolded are my questions, everything italicized are Gary Gulman’s responses, (everything bolded in parentheses is my running commentary after his answers register in my brain) and I apparently like using the word “fondness.”

HERE! WE! GO!

SINGLE BLINK’S Q&A WITH GARY GULMAN

Single Blink (SB): Hi Gary Gulman! Are you cool with me calling you by your first and last name always? There are few people I do this with and I think you should feel honoured. (We use the “u” in words such as “honour” and “rumour” and “glamour,” I hope that didn’t throw you off.)

Gary Gulman (GG): You may! (YESSSSSSS! *Macaulay Culkin arm pump*)

SB: You used to teach. Was it a gradual transition into stand-up or an instant switch – what compels you to continue?

GG: I had many jobs between college and the time I became a full time standup.  I started out as and auditor for what is now Price Waterhouse/Coopers then I waited tables at various Boston restaurants, I was a bouncer/doorman at a bar, I was an auditor at TJX Companies, a Starbucks barista and then a substitute at Peabody Veterans Memorial High School in Massachusetts. (What-da-what? He’s a protector, can probs make a mean brew, has balance and can probs do your taxes with no issue. These are the qualities, my friends.)

SB: Was there a point in your stand-up comedy career when you realized you were a bonafide babe, or a “tenderoni” if you will? I mean, what is the man-to-woman ratio at the average Gary Gulman Laugh-Time Jamboree? I feel like it’s the complete opposite of Alaska’s. Or maybe men know there’ll be an abundance of ladies and flood to your shows to enjoy the funny but have their pick of the womens. I mean, AM-I-RIGHT???

GG: I haven’t noticed a huge difference in the number of males vs. females at my shows.  It couldn’t be that disparate if I didn’t notice right? (Maybe so, but maybe the spotlights are too bright for him to take notice. Maybe that’s the right answer.)

SB: I know you were tall from a young age (he’s 6’6″, folks), but were you always as confident as you are now? Did you have any self esteem issues as a young Gary Gulman?

GG: I have had self-esteem issues and I continue to.  I was raised with older brothers who were very critical and judgmental so it was a tough crowd growing up. (Not that any of his responses weren’t, but this hit me as being so genuine and earnest. Self-esteem is struggle worth fighting through).

SB: Who were/are your biggest influences in comedy (dead or alive)?

GG: Chris Elliott, David Brenner, Paul Reiser, George Carlin, Woody Allen (CHRIS ELLIOTT. Period. Another favourite of mine so this list makes me happy.)

SB: I know you have a fondness for 80s music, I mean, who doesn’t? I still listen to the majority of my music on vinyl. What are the last 5 songs played on your iPod/MP3 player/iTunes/equivalent technology?

GG: Bob Dylan: Just like Tom Thumb’s blues;It’s Alright Ma;Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie;Ludacris:Stand Up; Isley Brothers: Fight the Power (The eclecticity is ALMOST too much to bear.)

SB: Do you have a musician/band new music alert for us – who do you really dig? What gets Gary Gulman?

GG: Azealia Banks 212! (If you know me, you know I’m peaking right now. Track is a modern-day classic, tbh tbh tbh.)

SB: I believe my fondness for your comedy bloomed when I realized the passion/frequency you discuss food. The content in Gary Gulman: Boyish Man never fails to make me laugh and I’ve heard the jokes dozens of times. Discussing food items is personal passion of mine, so my question is: are you scheduled to perform in Toronto any time in 2013? (I’ve submitted your name to JFL42, so don’t worry, I’m pulling my weight trying to get you gigs.)

GG: I will not be in Toronto any time soon but I am at Montreal JFL in July (First of all, this year’s Just For Laughs, or JFL, is called “The Ethnic Show.” Sooooo…I’m just over here Googling Quebec tourism. Totes unrelated.)

SB: And obviously I need to know: if you had to choose one dessert to have for the rest of your life (you can have any meals you want but your only option for dessert is this one thing FOR-EV-ER), what would it be?

GG: Carrot Cake (do you think it’s WITH icing or without?!)

SB: This is a two-parter because I’ve been dying to know – 1) At which point in your life did you finally come to terms with Joe Manganiello basically stealing your look? 2) Is there any beef between the two of you?

GG: I did see a pic and I am flattered by the comparison.  We’re cool, now. (Phew!)

SB: In the made-for-tv Hallmark movie of your life, who would you cast to play you at the age you are now? Please show your work.

GG: How about Vince Vaughan?  He’s tall and he is entertaining, I’m not much of a party guy but he can play reflective. 

SB: Do you have any shows/appearances/things of note we should be looking out for? Give us some first-hand scoop!

GG: I’m taping an episode of John Oliver’s New York StandUp for Comedy Central in a few weeks and then I was in a movie with Toni Collette called Lucky Them that is in Post Production as they say. (JOHN OLIVER!!!!!! TONI COLLETTE!!!!! My eyes are currently peeled for premieres and release dates. Priorities.)

SB: Thank you SO much for doing this, Gary Gulman. As a former stylist and avid viewer of your vids online (but mostly as a hot-blooded woman) I would like to give you a friendly style suggestion: plain white t-shirts (round or V-neck) with medium or dark washed, straight-legged denim jean will always be your best friends. Please, for the love of all things good in this world, believe me on this. Your female audience will also thank you.

GG: What shoes go with that? (Don’t worry, I sent him some options offline. I think he’s set.)

Well, there you have it. My first celebrity Q&A and I have to say I’m on Cloud Infinity. Here’s a little stand-up for ya – the Discman section gets me every time.

You can follow Gary Gulman on Twitter – @GaryGulman or check out his site for more upcoming shows

‘Cuz I’m A Creep

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GUESS WHAT, GUYS?!!?!!!

I’m turning into the biggest, sketchiest, pervy creep of Creepville! There is not a man whose path I cross where I am not literally licking my chops to figure out which sport he plays, which area of town he’s from, what size pants he’s wearing, how well we’d match horizontally!

Take last night for instance: sitting on the train going home, perpendicular to a gentleman. Now, if I could just say this was a “good-looking gentleman,” there would be no issue. But no, lemme break it on down to Hunkytown.

HIM:

White & dark purple checkered collared shirt, rolled up just enough to look chill but not enough to look “done.”

Charcoal-coloured jeans, not skinny but definitely hung of all the right spots.

His sneakers were the same colour as his jeans with white soles. Laces. Non-brand name.

His eyelashes would probably allow him to take flight if he blinked too quickly.

His hair? Run-your-hands-through-it perfection. I’m sure he somehow imports Timotei.

I feel like I’m in a ‘Man Matrix,’ seeing ALL these hotties in binary code.

*single blink* Good God, it must be Spring because the fevaaaaah is here.

Eight Days A Week

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If I had more time in my life, I would keep you guys posted on so much more.  This is just a life recap to catch you up on what’s coming next for Single Blink and  what I’ve been going through. Trust me, I’ve been going through some thangs!

I am not Oprah but I have so many favourite things and I decided I’m just going to sprinkle your lives with them over the course of the summer. I have a bunch of Q&As with the boys who make my world go ’round – I really hope you enjoy them.

What else can I tell ya?  Oh yeah, I recently realized I’m in love. It’s not a love I’ll pursue because I’m too tired but hey, seems like my heart still works. These are positive steps!

Other things: I won one year of free brunch at SCHOOL in Liberty Village (Toronto) and it was simply too miserable outside when I wanted to hibernate all winter. I believe I’m going to dust off the ol’ brunch card and head there this weekend to gorge.

Funny story about crushes gone wrong: I have an admirer. He’s made himself known to his co-workers who have told me several times of his interest. This guy even sent a co-worker in with a saved photo on a phone to remind me of who he was and ask for my number. I politely declined. Well……what a mistake that was! Let’s just say it’s been an interesting few weeks of this admirer periodically stopping by my office but never admitting to what he’s asking his co-workers to do. He found me on Facebook, but not to add me, just to send me a digital ‘poke.’  Oh yeah, and there was this time, back at my office, when he told his co-worker to remind me that he looks like Puff Daddy.

First of all, he does not. Second of all, WHY would you think this would further entice me?  Does he think I was sitting here waiting for that one thing, that one integral nugget of information, that would make me break down and melt?  If so, telling someone you resemble P. Diddy is the road less travelled for a dyam reason. In the latest chapter of this thrilling saga, he has enlisted another co-worker to dig up some intel on me.  It was very important for him to know if I enjoyed lychee-based/flavoured beverages. *single blink* 

For some reason, this level of effort leaves me feeling very cold and weary. Maybe I can’t be pleased ever in life. Maybe I should just paint Homer Simpson’s face on my body pillow and call it a life. So with THAT, I leave you with a dear friend’s handiwork; a collage of sorts to help you visualize this entire hilarious nightmare. Today I present to you:

P. LYCHEE

Stay tuned for what happens next because this admirer is not done by a long shot!

If You’re Happy And You Know It

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Jason Collins is gay. This was the big announcement of Monday, April 29, 2013. This was a landmark moment in the world of men’s professional sports. And while I do not want to diminish the significance of what he did (because it’s a big, f*ckin’ deal), it is still a big, F*CKIN’ deal. In 2013. On Earth. Does this not seem preposterous to anyone other than me? Just by statistics alone, there are SO many gay athletes playing sports right now and he’s the only one in one of the major four male professional leagues where this is known??? *single blink* Come on, world. We need to do better than this.  This vicious cycle won’t end because not everyone will be accepting of Jason Collins. HE hasn’t changed but someone else’s perception of him changed. That changed perception causes fear. That fear becomes a festering petri dish of hate…and that hate will amount to unnecessary bullying and violence, somewhere. We know this. We’re not new to this. People were frothing at the mouth to see the first homophobic response to this news so we could attack/agree with whomever said it. It’s sickening. Humans make me ill.

I felt this version of the song was an easy-to-follow metaphor of what I expect are the different emotional stages of coming out (and if not, it’s the stages I go through when someone is described as “brave” for just being honest about who they are):

When you come out = ”If You’re Happy And You Know It…”

When you get hit upside the head with public reaction = ”If You’re Sad And You Know It…”

When idiots try to dictate your life = ”If You’re Mad And You Know It…” (cut short obviously, because who really has the time)

When you’ve had enough = ”If You’re Sleepy And You Know It…”

When you wake up the next day and the day after that and the diggy-dog day after that = you’re right back to “If You’re Happy And You Know It…” because you can’t with these basic bitches. So now is your time to own it.

As humans we are forced to live alongside each other whether we want to or not.  Those unable to handle it end up doing unspeakable things to the people around them.  Right now your own beliefs do not matter to me so stop reading or unfollow/unfriend/un-like or whatever because I will cut ANYONE who expresses anything negative to me about this subject.  So the question of questions is:

WHAT IS ACTUALLY YOUR PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE BEING GAY?

Is it because it makes you uncomfortable? So does a wedgie yet you cope.

Is it unnatural? Who cares – it doesn’t concern you.

Are you under the impression that all gays carry AIDS or HIV? Well, you’re just stupid and I’ll thin you from this herd of people I associate with.

Is it against your religion, is it some form of sin? Everyone sins, including you and yet you’re still able to live your life by asking forgiveness. Why don’t we let the big guy upstairs make the decision on who didn’t live the life He apparently set out for them. I mean, if that’s what the argument really is, then judge not lest ye be judged, bitch.

Are you afraid of the gays and their advances? THEY DON’T WANT YOU!!! (You should be so lucky.)

Do you think accepting gay people in your life will, in fact, turn you into a gay? Well, m’dears, it’s in you to give. If you’re gay, you’re gay. If you’re not, you’re not.  If you’re idiot drunk girls trying to get attention from a group of oil workers at your local top 40-playing club, well then, you’re just messing up your own lipstick with one another for no goddamn reason.

Are you fighting your own homosexual desires and you know the gays have a special power that illuminates a rainbow across your forehead for the world to see as they spit COTDAMN GLITTER WHILE RIDING A STAMPEDE OF OF BEDAZZLED UNICORNS ACROSS YOUR FARCE OF A LIFE?????!?!?!?!?!! IS THAT THE PROBLEM? DID I GET TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR TRUE FEARS?

Tha f*ck outta here.

Give me any question and I’ll Dikembe Mutombo it back in your face so hard it will reverse the earth’s gravitational pull.  If. you. cannot. live. your. damn. life. due to the race, gender, cultural background, sexual orientation, etc. of someone then be in your sad, little worlds because that’s how I view what you’ve chosen to spend energy on.

Just let me say my piece and hopefully free my mind of the attack it’s having on itself.

Gay people are just people. Gay/Same-sex marriage is just marriage. Boyfriends having boyfriends/Girlfriends having girlfriends is simply known as a relationship. People having to explain this to other people BLOWS MY MIND OUT OF MY EARHOLES.

All I know is I’m standing on the highest soapbox in the universe because I look down on you with a shameful, slow-shaking head of disgust. I pity you and would never wish your brain and ugly, hateful thoughts on my worst enemy. I am happier than you and I always will be because there’s no one in this world I’m preventing myself from being friends with or learning from or loving due to a small mind and sheltered world view.

I am a single, straight, black Canadian woman with abysmal gas and razor sharp wit. I have a love of porn and Richie Havens music and not necessarily at the same time……..but maybe!!! I have a killer smile even though my teeth are jacked and I watch more cartoons than all the children of the world combined. These things, plus so much more, make me who I am. But do any of these things make you less of who you are? Is your straightness ending wars? Is your security in your heterosexuality feeding the hungry? How are you better or more worthy of the most basic human rights? You’re not.

So the next time someone says, “By the way, I’m gay,” your only response should be a single blink followed by, “Actually, you’re Stanley. We just met, like…two minutes ago – do you like sushi ‘cuz I’m starving?”

Are my instructions clear? Now, go get a life and get the direct f*ck out of everyone else’s.

Tenderoni

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Now that I’m an Essential Woman, I think we need to have some grown-up conversations. I began this blog as my own outlet to vent about my frustration with dating/men/sex/etc. and while this remains true, I was overwhelmed with how many of you related so let’s have some ACTUAL talks.

Comment!

Email me!

Anything!

I feel like I’m riding solo when I know you’re out there. I want to hear (and share if you’re about it) your experiences too.  In saying that, let’s get down to the tippy-top of all Ts*:

When was the last time you came across a legit tenderoni IRL? *single blink*

Where are the tenderonis?

Right?!?!!  I saw one in my office last week and my period started immediately. The sight of this ‘roni LITERALLY burst my ovaries!  This is not good, Toronto. So this is my PSA to my city (and the cities you’re in if you’re realizing this is a real problem):

The summer is coming, I’m daily turning into the finest wine and I’m not seeing ‘ronis on a regular basis. I’m not about that life. At all. You’ve been warned.

*”the T” means “the Truth” 

WTFF: Arianne Young on “Careers”

In today’s edition of “What The F*ck Fridays:”

Saidah, Sook-Yin, Patti, Maya………..me??!?!?!!?  *single blink* If you didn’t know it then well, you better know it now…I am an Essential Woman.

The Essential Women’s Guide: 53 – Arianne from The Essential Women’s Guide on Vimeo.

Photo: Simone Maurice, Crew neck: North Star, Featherbone Earring: Gardé Del Avante, Straight-laced collar necklace: Bizou, Essentials: Arianne Young

In other news: I still can’t watch myself on a screen and I did babble and don’t feel I answered the question;  BUT I did listen to it and I didn’t turn into dust! Be gentle, guys. I’m essential but still still a fresh(wo)man at this.

I was so honoured when Simone approached me to a part of this growing library of positive, strong women. I know so many women who inspire me daily so I think you should do this too. It’s super fun – you choose one card from a full deck and simply answer the question: “If I could give women one piece of advice on <insert topic on card>, it would be…” and speak from your heart. Contact Simone on Twitter at @TEWG_Vlog so I can share your words too!

Dr. Maya Angelou on “Life”

You know I’m not only here for ALL of this, I was 10 minutes early and waiting for you to arrive. Let’s go.

Dr. Maya Angelou on “Life” (drink this in/eat this up. It’s all nourishment for your soul):

“…because you know that you’re somebody.”
~Dr. Maya Angelou

Once you’ve listened to this, press play again and again and again. I’ve probably listened to this clip about 45 times and I keep discovering something else inherently helpful for my own life. This woman IS the absolute truth.

Maya Everlasting.

Patti Smith on “Relationships”

Patti Smith on “Relationships:”

Sense of humour, folks! I’ve been saying this forever and I truly agree.

Sidenote: this ENTITY known as Patti Smith has influenced my style choices before I even knew what style was. Always been in awe of her look because it’s not typical, she’s not uber-femme and you can’t put anything about her in a tiny box.

Liiiiiiike, let’s talk about this. Sex appeal for days with zero effort.

Just chillin’ and here for it in lotus stance. I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

Do you have any favourite videos from The Essential Women’s Guide site? I want to know which ones!!!

Saidah Baba Talibah on “Sex”

Saidah Baba Talibah on “Sex:”

Sook-Yin Lee on “Friendship:”

During this past blog hiatus, I needed to lift my spirits and was introduced to the wonderful world of The Essential Women’s Guide.  WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW ABOUT THINGS?!?!?!  *single blink*  You must keep a gal informed when things like this come into this world.  This week I’ll share some of the videos with you and I encourage all of you, men & women alike, to check them all out.

Sook-Yin Lee on “Friendship:”

It’s good to be back, friends!