Now It’s Time For A Breakdown

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I’ve cracked open a book a few weeks ago called “The New You: Change Your Life In A Month” by Anita Naik. I admittedly bought it awhile ago because it’s hot pink and the image of a Vargas-esque pin-up is on the cover.  But now that I’ve been out of work, eating like a pig (a happy pig) and my lack of a romantic life has taken a turn for the same-as-it-always-is – why not get some reading done while I’m Nikki Newmaning* on my balcony.  *single blink*

*Nikki Newmaning – drinking hard liquors from pretty tumblers with manicured nails and closed eyes (tears not required)

This book breaks things down into four parts: Body, Career, Finance and Relationships. So OBVIOUSLY, I jumped to relationships section and began devouring everything that was said so I could point, laugh and judge all the people who buy into it. But then I got to a part where it asks you to look at your relationship history and see if there’s similarities in the men you’ve dated. Then sh!t got really, really real. When I think of types, I generally think about physical attributes – they’re tall, they’re white, they’re funny, they’re packin’…etc.  But rarely do I think about all the other characteristics that draw me toward a dude, I have but it’s not at the forefront of my mindgrapes.  “Yeah, he’s damaged,” then I laugh it off because who isn’t? Am-I-right? Now, it’s time to really look ALL the aspects because physically, they’re all different – but when we get down to the core of ’em…ugh, they are all the EFFING same.

May I get you one too, you know, before we move on?

I figured so many people have been messaging me about similar issues, why don’t we do this together? Here are the five examples they provide and a description:

1.  IF YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR MEN WHO ‘NEED’ YOU: You’re suffering from Florence Nightingale syndrome and have a deep need to ‘fix’ other people’s lives. This is usually rooted in childhood – look back and identify what it is that makes you want to rescue others over yourself. (I’M GUILTY)

2.  IF YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ATTACHED: If you’ve had a host of married or attached lovers, the chances are you get an ego boost knowing you can tempt them away from their wife or partner. If you want a relationship that works with real intimacy, choose men who are not looking for thrills on the side. This means raising your standards and opting for guys who are available and looking for love. (SUCH AN OFFENDER!)

3.  IF YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR THE BAD GUY: You’re stuck in a teenage mindset where the ‘bad’ guy is always more exciting, sexy and thrilling to be with. Could it be that you’re dating ‘bad’ boys because it’s a way to find your bad side? Break the habit by thinking about what these guys are not bringing to your relationship table.

4.  IF YOU ALWAYS GO FOR THE PERSON WHO PLACES YOU ON A PEDESTAL: This is a low self-esteem issue. If you always choose men who think you’re perfect, it’s akin to having your own cheerleading squad on hand 24 hours a day. The only problem is your time on that pedestal is limited, as you know, and once you fall off you either have to move on or face the real you.

5.  IF YOU ALWAYS GO FOR THE VIOLENT PERSON: Finding yourself with a violent person can often be bad luck, as most violent men are very good at hiding their violent traits in the beginning. However, if you always end up with violent men you need to stop telling yourself you can help them, or stop taking the blame and seek professional help as soon as possible.

There are plenty of other “types” of course, but I mean, the nail was hit on the head twice for me in just these five descriptions (#1 & #2).  GUH!!!  So gross. Well, the next step was to examine what I got out of these relationships and look back in my life to figure out why I’m drawn to/attract these dudes. I sat with it and wrote down the past five guys who made an impact in my life and it was mind-blowing! I strongly suggest doing this because once you pinpoint it, you will see those red flags EVERYWHERE and in all your relationships with your existing friends and potential partners. I also realized I’ve totally pushed men away who were NOT these types. Maybe because I felt I didn’t know my role with them. If they weren’t broken, what the hell am I supposed to do with them? Just be their girl? CRAZY TALK!

I’m not saying I’m cured and will only make sound decisions going forward – I’m the first to tell you I don’t trust my man-deciding skills. At all. Like, AT ALL-at all. If I could only date by friends setting me up with their friends, I would be the happiest fat camper at all-you-can-eat summer camp. For reals. And so begins my road to recognizing the signs and not allowing my everything to disintegrate when something doesn’t work out.

What about you, guys – do any of these five types describe the ones you fall for on a regular basis? Do you know why this is? Do you even care? TELL ME!

Don’t worry, I AM listening.

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I’m The King Of Wishful Thinking

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A Poem by Raphael de la Ghetto

Sometimes you hate them.

Sometimes they remember your name before anyone else’s.

Sometimes they smile at you.

Other times you finally smile back.

Sometimes you like them without understanding why.

Sometimes you compromise.

Sometimes you’re hopeful.

Sometimes you think it could be love.

At times they buy you wine, at better times they drink it with you.

You laugh. You watch. You kiss.

You sometimes pinch yourself.

You wait. You wonder. You know.

Sometimes they find someone else.

Every time it isn’t you.

But maybe someday, you’ll find someone else too.

I

Help Me Girl

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DISCLAIMER: These suggestions are for those hoping for more than just someone to bang their brains successfully out of their ears. If you just want sex, then continue with your half-naked photos and avoidable spelling mistakes. You’ll do just fine!

I probably change my dating profiles more often than the average bear, because I can and because I get bored OFTEN. But I think Plenty Of Fish needs to pay me for the amount of help I give the men on their site. You see, every once in a while, my updates include tips to men on how to improve their own profiles.  This time it seemed to resonate even more with the lads.  I have been receiving non-stop messages  asking me to review their current profiles and break down how to improve them. I’ve received a ridiculous amount of “thank yous” in the past 24 hours for something I assumed would be common sense for anyone venturing into the world of internet dating.  While only men can see my profile, this works both ways – ladies, step your game up too. Here’s what’s on my profile now:

“Gentlemen…..oh gentlemen of Plenty of fish. Let me just explain something to you about online dating and the trap almost ALL of you seem to be falling in.
If you are utilizing a dating website to broaden your horizons (dating IS a numbers game), then you cannot begin all of your profiles with, “I don’t really know what to say” or “I don’t want to give everything away in a profile” OR “Let’s save something for the date.” And here is why:

You’ve all had a plethora of years to live life and establish yourselves as human beings. You’ve had more life experiences than you could ever share with another person IN an actual lifetime. If the information you decide to share on your online dating profile is the only info you have and there’s a legitimate fear you won’t have anything to discuss on a first date, then dudes, there’s a MUCH larger issue here. 

I mean, what if you hit it off with the lady? That means you’ll have to go on another date and you’ve already told her everything on your first date. Do you note my sarcasm? Do you now see how ludicrous your concerns are about sharing too much information? It’s a site. It’s basically window-shopping for dates – we browse, we stop when we find something that pleases our eyes, we go in and take a look around to see if it’s as good up close as it is from the window…then we either take it to the register or put it back on the rack. 

If writing isn’t your strong suit, lead with that. Be honest. That’s more charming and genuine than thinking your photos alone are going to sway the vote one way or another. Just breezily note what you’re looking for, what kind of dude you are and I don’t know…a hobby you’re super into. That’s it. It’s SO easy. Just a tip from someone who is reading A LOT of the same thing. It’s not cute, it’s not original. Be yourself, trust me…that speaks volumes!

(Please note: this also goes for “Profession.” If you state “have one” or “it’s legal” or “yes” beside that field, just stop it. Why is there secrecy around what you do? If someone is going to judge you for being white-collar, blue-collar or no collar at all…then you shouldn’t want that chick anyway.) 

Good luck, fellas!”

So if you’ve been thinking about joining a free or paid dating site, just take the damn time to put in a bit of effort. If you’re not serious about it, then you can’t be discouraged when you’re not getting the replies or attention you desire. And if you’re too uncomfortable divulging general information, then don’t online date. I mean, seriously, if you’re in the Witness Protection Program or something else super-secretive then…get offline. They’re definitely coming to get you. Watch yourself!

*single blink*

 

Cuts Like A Knife

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I FINALLY saw my brand-new cousin-slash-goddaughter yesterday and she’s as cute as the cutest cute thing around. Just a bundle of absolute innocence and baby smell. And farts. (Proof that she is, in fact, related to me).

CUT TO: my 7 year old cousin who showed up in the evening. A gorgeous little girl but as rude as a carton of milk one day past expiration. She visits me in the kitchen to which I assume I’m getting a hug and a nuzzle but instead I get:

The Rudeness: “Are you getting married?”

Me: “No? Am I supposed to be?”

T.R.: “How old are you?”

Me: “30. Why?”

T.R.: *rolls eyes* “Well then…WHEN?”

Me: “Is there some sort of time limit I’m unaware of?”

T.R.: “I need to be a flower girl, I’m not getting any younger. And neither are you. Hurry up.”

*single blink*

AND. NEITHER. AM. I?!??!!?!  Hurry up?!??!!!   She’s 7!  SHE IS 7!!! How was she able to press the heart-sized bruise currently surrounding my heart? Well, that called for an adult beverage as soon as I got home. Kids say the darndest things, my freshly Nair’d ass crack!

Anyway, this is just a warning to you single girls and guys who are doing it for themselves but still have some emotions left to deal with. Stay strong! The pain of lost loves/no love is so fresh and so clean BUT we can make it through! Even when angel-faced cuddle demons say the words that legitimize our forever fears. I’m here for you so let’s get through this…….together.

(but seriously, she’s 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Sour Girl

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A brief glimpse of my dating life since 1999 (only the most pertinent are listed):

  1. Quest (phone)
  2. Lavalife (phone)
  3. Lavalife (online)
  4. blinddate.excite.com
  5. Yahoo personals (online)
  6. Match.com (online)
  7. Plenty Of Fish (online)
  8. eHarmony (online)
  9. Interracial Dating (online)
  10. Uniform Dating (online)
  11. Eligon (online)
  12. OK Cupid (online)
  13. eVow (online)
  14. 25 Dates (speed dating)
  15. Meet Market Adventure (singles events)
  16. Lifemates (matchmaker)
  17. Venus and Mars Matchmaking (matchmaker)
  18. It’s Just Lunch (matchmaker)
  19. Single In The City (singles events)
  20. Bars, clubs, work, car conventions, school, fake proms, concerts, solo walks, ice cream parlours, other f*cking countries!!!

*single blink*

THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO END UP UNDER THE RIGHT PERSON’S NOSE. Mark it on your calendars, friends. As of today, Monday, August 27, 2012…I. Am. Done. This is not because I believe the “stop looking and it will happen” sh!t the world of people in relationships like to spew to those of us who aren’t. It’s because I actually don’t care anymore. I have toys, batteries and a libido that cannot be tamed. In four years, I’ll have saved up enough money to the buy the seeds I need to give me my family so eff it. Eff it all.

Today’s post brought to you by: FRANKLY, I DON’T GIVE AN ACTUAL DAMN.

My sunny disposition MAY return tomorrow but don’t hold me to that.

He Will Give Me A Taste I Will Feel In My Cheeks

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From a 19 year old suitor on OK Cupid:

“Just wanted to say I find you very attractive. If I got to know you, I would invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull you close and whisper in your ear “I have a swanson tv dinner in the freezer with your name on it” and then I would proceed to fill a wine glass with welch’s grape juice.”

I only have one thing to say to this: SOMEONE’S BEEN READING MY DIARY!!! Let’s do this thing!  I mean, ahem… *single blink*

Don’t Ever Let It End

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CHAD KROEGER & AVRIL LAVIGNE ARE ENGAGED

I will admit, my initial reaction to this news was unending laughter just due to the ridiculousness that flowed through my head based on my judgy-judgingness. The more time I’ve had to think about it (not that my opinion on their upcoming nuptials makes a difference to them or anyone else), I have to wish them well. I wish them SO well! I’m not a fan of either of their music but that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t matured since her “I’m-angry-and-need-my-hair-in-my-face-at-all-times” years and that he isn’t a stand-up, genuine dude who absolutely loves the hell out of her. I’m sure there are many politicians, police cops (yeah, I said it), lawyers, etc. who are hated because of what they do in their day-to-day choice of career. But that’s just their job, it’s not who they are.

So Chad and Avril, congratulations on finding each other.  Sincerely. I can’t hate on love!

Let’s Get Married

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I’m sometimes SO touched by an online message that I want all of my loved ones to be a part of what I’m sure will be the beginning of a long and joyous union.

“Nice guns by the way, legs too.  My name is D***********.  I hope you have a great rest of your day.”

*single blink*

Down With The Sickness

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Real talk? Good.

There’s an epidemic that’s getting increasingly worse in my city (and yours!) Single guys and gals are consistently coming up short in the relationship department due to, what seems like, lack of options. In the past few weeks, I’ve had conversations with my single friends and the ones in relationships. The most glaring similarity in both arguments is: the grass is glowing emerald and jade jewel-tones from the other side of our opposing raggedy-ass fences. Why? Because the ones wanting committed relationships seem to be dating ones who don’t. They proceed to date each other for days/weeks/months/however-long-it-takes-to-develop-feelings-for-someone THEN find out neither is on the same page thus damaging those wanting the exclusive status and creating more non-committers once they suffer immense heartbreak. This is the cycle. This is the poison. This is what I’ve dubbed “The Ruining.” Everyone….stop it.

We’ve all had our own trials and tribulations with dating – some have it super easy, dating someone new every dyam night of the week. Sometimes two in the same day! (Full disclosure: I’ve done this ONCE in my life and it was the worst. I would never schedule two dates on the same day ever again. I was an idiot.) These people love this lifestyle and more power to ’em. They don’t want to be tied down and they shouldn’t have to be. They. Enjoy. Being. Single. And for that, they should continue to do what suits them. Then there’s the category I fall into – the late-bloomer, the went-to-prom-aloner, the didn’t-have-a dating-life-until-I-was-in-my-20ser (I’m 30 now), the practiced-kissing-on-my-wall-and-hand-because-there-was-NO-ONEr!!! I HATE being single. I’ve been single the majority of my life. I know how to be independent. I AM a sister doing it for myself. I like my own company. I know myself.  Yadda-yadda-yadda, I want the same P in my V, repeatedly, for years to come so stop telling me to enjoy my singlehood. I’ve BEEN enjoying it, if you hate your coupled situation so much why don’t you go back to single status. No one is forcing you to be with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Oh. I thought so. Because the idea of going back into the world o’dating is the worst form of torture this generation has ever seen. As annoying as your partner may be, you’d prefer to keep your head in his nook instead of snuggling with the boyfriend pillow your mom got you as a housewarming gift.

MY STORY

Here’s my situation in a nutshell: I have been on a lot of dates. A LOT. I would say I’ve had one boyfriend (I thought I had one about two years ago – remember STORYTIME TUESDAY guy? Yeah, he instigated “the talk” mere weeks into us dating and I think I was called his “girlfriend” for two weeks before he ended it. Over the phone. From Boston. Without warning. *single blink* I’m chalking that one up to a double black cat crossing in my life a.k.a. a glitch in the Matrix. It wasn’t supposed to happen though it clearly did.) As many dates as I’ve been on, I can honestly say I’ve had “types” of relationships. While I may have been exclusive with them, they were not exclusively dating me. Here are my usual scenarios (and this goes for men met IRL and online – I do not discriminate).

SCENARIO 1 – Booty calls aplenty. My company is good for one thing and one thing only. Because I’m perpetually single, these woodworkian gentlemen hunt me down, friend me up (after disappearing for months/years on end) and expect me to drop trou and present. No.

SCENARIO 2 – Guy appears to be super into me. Several months later, I misread signals such as his caring, his family introductions, consistent sleepovers, animal attraction, gifts, dinners, lazy Sundays together for “this could be more than friendship.”  I make the mistake of voicing this. Guy disappears.

He scurred!

There are so many amazing and available single people in our city and yours too, I’m sure. In order to eradicate this contagion, I implore everyone to take these thoughts into consideration:

  1. Don’t be so scared of not wanting to hear a certain response that you opt to suspend disbelief. It helps no one.
  2. You are going to feel whatever it is you’re going to feel for someone whenever you’re going to feel them. It may be upon first sight, it may not happen for weeks. FEEL THEM! Fall hard. Yeah, if it doesn’t work out it will be hella painful but at least you were in the moment. Fully.
  3. Rejection. Means. Nothing. What is the worst possible outcome that could come from being rejected? Oh. I know. You still won’t have his/her number like you didn’t have before you approached them. They still don’t know you. Who cares what they think of you if they aren’t interested. It is THEIR loss. Go for it 100% of the time.
  4. If you meet someone you click with, do not let workable obstacles dictate your relationship. Be it distance, cultural differences, fashion sense, varying comfort with communication devices, food preferences, etc. If that person means something to you, do not let these things hinder the forward momentum of a potential relationship. Talk them out, see what each is willing to compromise, exhaust all options and only after this is done…make your decision. The person you want to be with may not be in the location or packaged the way you thought they’d be. This is a huge world. The love you deserve may be on the other side of the world and they’re just here for a visit. You owe it to yourself to give potential goodness a chance.
  5. THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT: to you trick-daddies and sucka DJs (male AND female) who prey on the good because you mistake kindness for weakness or passive-aggressiveness……….stop it. Leave them alone. There is a superficial, swinging crowd of individuals for you to choose from. Corrupt each other. Your insensitivity is poisonous and some of us remain in that cynical vortex of no return. To the lucky few (yours truly included), we wallow for a minute but bounce back with high hopes for our romantic tomorrows.

Boys and girls, remember…when we want to have the *dreaded* talk, stop immediately thinking this:

“MARRIAGE! NOW!”

If you actually listen to our words, you’ll see we’re just looking for a little of this:

“I don’t want to couch-cuddle with anyone else.”

Hello, I Love You

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Brett Lawrie, (3rd Baseman for the Toronto Blue Jays) has been on a 15-day disabled list due to a strained oblique muscle he might have suffered chasing a foul ball on July 18th. But can we all agree, that in my mind it was strained under sexier reasons? Thanks! His absence has left a noticeable hole in the lineup, the 1-2-3 punch of Lawrie, Colby ‘the Colblooded’ Rasmus and Jose ‘the Body’ Bautista is what I’ve been living for the past few months.

Now, I wrestled with writing this: Do I research this man I crush on daily so I can write something factual AND funny?  The answer: NO!  This post WILL straddle the line between ridiculous and super ridiculous because that’s what I do and it’s Friday. There’s been buzz about his return happening as early as next Tuesday, so without further adieu, here is:

MY FANTASY FIRST DATE WITH THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS’ 3RD BASEMAN, BRETT LAWRIE (upon his return from the disabled list)

BRETT LAWRIE

I would be sitting behind home plate. All game I would be peeping a certain bampsy with my peepers doing his thing on the field (THE CERTAIN BAMPSY BELONGS TO BRETT LAWRIE!!! *single blink*)

Doing his thing. (Photo by Chris Suppa – The Score)

It’s the 9th inning and Brett is on deck. Colby just smashed a double into right field, the Jays are tied WITH two outs. It’s all up to him and the entire SkyDome knows it. (Yeah, I said it. It will ALWAYS be the SkyDome to me.) It’s a full count and with a mighty swing he catches a piece of the pitch and it skyrockets into foul territory. Everyone watches this one soar behind home plate, everyone ‘cept me and the ball hits me square in m’drink hand. All of the soda goes everywhere and I’m pretty sure I heard a crack upon contact. The crowd in my close proximity gasp and groan while everyone else in the stadium erupts as Brett hits a ball deep to left for a home run! I didn’t notice Brett scanning the crowd as he rounded 2nd – did he have a sixth sense he had hurt a potential love? Nobody knows!

It’s a home run for Brett Lawrie, but something’s obviously on his mind… (My injury?)

Colby and Brett cross home plate. The Jays win!

Brett & Colby celebrated at home plate!

Excitement is something I would feel if my hand wasn’t expanding to the size of an adult’s baseball mitt. The game is over, the stadium medics arrive, my beverage is gone…this situation is NOT the one. I advise them I’m fine and I’d rather not have any attention but they insist I must be checked out. I’m led down to the parking garage where an ambulance is waiting. Oh brother, what a scene! I’m telling them I just need some ice when I hear, “You should probably listen to ’em, they know what they’re doin’.”

My head snaps around like someone yelled “Free cake!” and there is Brett, still in uniform, moseying toward the ambulance (he looks like he’d mosey, doesn’t he? Or amble. Prowl? Whatever he’s doing, it’s hot!) I’m pretty sure my body was saying ‘yes please’ while my eyes said ‘psychopath’ but he continued moving forward.

Brett: “Doesn’t look too good.” His eyes elevator down to my Nutty Professored fingers.

Me: “…………..”

Brett: “They told me that foul ball hit someone but I didn’t realize it was someone so……..” He doesn’t finish his sentence. “Hello, I’m Brett.”

* cue Sophie B. Hawkins “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” *

Me: “…………..” Brilliant. I’m effing brilliant. I’m also trying to keep my back as close to the ambulance as possible since my back was emblazoned with “LAWRIE” and the number 13.

I look to one of the medics wide-eyed and mouth agape, nothing is coming out. Immediately he tells the driver (and Brett) I’ve gone into shock and they need to get me to a hospital quickly. Brett orders them both to get in the vehicle and then lifts me up “An Officer and  a Gentleman” style into the back of the ambulance and calls to the front that he’ll ride in the back with me.

GUYS!!!!!! (This post is strictly for me obviously, but I’m bloody getting excited!)

Okay, so my hand is getting Andre the Giant-sized but I don’t even notice the pain because Brett-Brett (thats what I’m calling him now) is holding it in his paw and icing it with the other. We ride in silence though I’m positive he could hear how hard my heart was beating inside my chest. There’s so much traffic, we’re at a standstill and I send a silent ‘thanks’ to the man upstairs (I’m not religious but I needed to thank somebody). Somehow, we begin chatting. A little small talk, he won’t divulge why he’s still in his uniform OR how he knew where to find the injured person he hit.  Then we’re talking about where we grew up, our cray siblings, our favourite foods. I make fun of him because he was a year old when “Blossom” hit the airwaves and I was 10. Laughter and merriment ensue. They ensue so good.

All too quickly, I feel we’ve come to a stop. We’re here. We have arrived. Desperately, I wrack my brain for something witty to say. This can’t be the end. The back doors open and Brett assists me to the ground. A nurse has met us outside, takes one look at my hand and steers me toward the entrance.

Brett: “Hold on a sec!”  The nurse stops, I turn around. “Is there any way I can make this up to you?”

“You don’t think you’ve done enough,” I say with a smirk holding up my mitt-shaped hand.

Brett: “I’m not going to live this one down, am I?”

Me: “I’m willing to let you try. I mean this date has been so successful, maybe you can give me a concussion on the next one.”

Brett: “I’d never intentionally hurt you, but I might take your breath away.”

I chuckle, the nurse does not look amused.

Me: “Well, um… I gave him all of my information so give me a call some time.” I say this with an upward inflection at the end, of course. The medic who drove us to the hospital gives me a wink and a nod to Brett.

Brett: “Sounds good.” He turns to head back to the van and yells over his shoulder, “You like candy, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah I do,” I call out as the nurse leads me toward the doors. I steal another look back, my eyes landing on his balcony and add, “I think you have all the candy I need.”

Hubba Bubba.

*No bampsies were harmed in the writing of this post. Just ogled. Only ogled.

To read about my first fantasy first date with Steve Buscemi – please click here!