Why’d You Lie?

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#8 – DON’T lie.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you lie, we will find out when we meet for that date we scheduled. Remember? Our date we just planned out based on all the alleged honest and genuine things we both said in our profiles. Oh wait… *single blink* What is the point of lying? To attract someone you don’t think would give you the time of day if you told the truth? THEN THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF YOU SO MOVE ON! These are some hard truths I’m laying down so keep on reading.

Even the smallest white lie will lead to your detriment, especially when it comes to online dating profiles, so why bother? We’re all expecting the truth from the person who’s aroused our interests. If those interests are false and you don’t actually know anything about South African folklore, then what are either of us doing here at this very moment? Well, I can tell you what I’M doing: LEAVING. Speaking from personal experience, I’ve chatted/met men who were a foot shorter than they said, fathers who’ve used pics of their sons, men who were 10 years older OR younger and the list goes on and on. One of the most disheartening trends I’ve discovered online are men of a visible minority selecting “Caucasian” as their ethnicity. The reason they do this is the majority of advanced searches allow you to filter profiles by every option you could imagine (I prefer casting a larger net, but that’s just me and I’m still alone so…like….ANYWAY…). These filters will remove all unselected ethnicities, regardless of what’s showing in your photo. The filter is based on the selections you’ve made about yourself in your profile. You could be blacker than the blackest man’s black cape but your face will still generate in the “Caucasian” results. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?!  It doesn’t matter how you slice it, the logic doesn’t exist!  And this lying thing goes both ways, I can only imagine the parallel lines being drawn on the ladies side.

Lying, in general, is not a good look. The majority of people I like to associate with learned this from birth, the others are oxygen thieves and I can’t EVEN with them anymore. CANNOT EVEN! You may read these posts and think: “So why would I ever use an online dating site?” or “This is exactly why I don’t use an online dating site.”  Let me break you off a little bit o’dis: The men I’ve met in real life have lied just as fancily and freely as my online Lotharios about their profession, marital status, fatherhood, prison record and buying me a drink (they didn’t). This is not just an online epidemic!

Breakfast Club - Claire

Friends, can we all just promise we will simply tell the truth? My profile states I’m an “analytical, sarcastic, intelligent, independent insomniac…” FACTS! It’s a wonder why I’m not making a list (of men’s names) and checking it NICE!

Have a great weekend, Blinkers.

Celebrity

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#9 – DON’T post photos of celebrities claiming it’s you or photos WITH celebrities and using only their face in your cropped thumbnail.

As I said on Monday, I have a slightly higher pop-culture reference point than the average person. My brain is where Nick at Nite goes to die and I’m happy with this.

I’ve seen photos from obscure to A-list:

  • Max Hodges (resident TMZer)
  • Chris Powell (Personal Trainer)
  • George Stroumboulopoulos (I EFFIN’ WISH!)
  • Will Smith
  • Adrien Brody

Are you Adrien Brody or aren’t you?! 

There’s not much to say here. Don’t do it. I’m the opposite of everything NIKE stands for and I’m okay with that too. Post photos of you and not someone who is not you claiming it’s you. If you look like a celebrity and you feel the need to mention it, it’s your prerogative but don’t use that celebrity’s picture.

DISCLAIMER: On few, and I mean VERY few occasions, I’ve called someone out on their photo and they were actually who they had in their image. We had a good laugh. But by few occasions, I mean two.

The odds will never be in your favour. *single blink*

Take A Picture

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As my good friend says: “let’s talk about it.”

What is the “it,” you ask? Well, let’s talk about my Top 10 Don’ts for a successful online dating profile. This list is not for those exploring the intimate encounter side of things. For those unfamiliar with online dating services, every site has a list of options in terms of what you’re looking for in your life: pen pals, short term or long term dating, marriage, a little fun, intimate encounters, etc. The terminology is different depending on the site but they all have relatively the same options going on. Anything you read here and in posts to come  are geared solely toward people who are genuinely using the site to meet someone in hopes of it turning into something more. (This is not to say a situation you thought would be a fling doesn’t have the potential to blossom, but that wasn’t the initial intention…yadda yadda yadda…keep reading.) While you could apply my points below to any dating site user, the reasons behind them don’t hold water if you’re just aiming for a little frisky late-night fun. Got it? Excellent.

Alright, I’m going to start at #10:

DON’T post photos of any of the following:

  • Your kids
  • Anyone else’s kids
  • Your grillz
  • You in a bathroom mirror
  • You flexing in a bathroom mirror
  • Your car or motorcycle without you in the shot
  • Your blow-out (in a bathroom mirror)
  • You and your ex with their face blurred out
  • Groups of people who are the same sex as you and you have not indicated who you are

Let me give you the exact rundown of why each of these will result in a solid, minute-long *single blink*.

Your kids/Anyone else’s kids – The internet is a bizarro place where many feel this unwritten/unspoken need to share their innermost thoughts not realizing that now everyone can see it. Take this blog for instance. I’m an open person and I know the consequences and risks involved and I make that decision. In saying that, it’s MY choice. I wouldn’t post a photo of friends or family here or anywhere unless they say it’s okay with them. Children cannot defend themselves and don’t know that hundreds upon thousands of people on a dating site (don’t even get me started on Facebook) are now looking at your photos. It’s even easier for predators, sexual or otherwise, to see where you’re from and see your kids and the rest is an episode of 48 Hours: Hard Evidence on TLC. We are putting ourselves out there to meet people and this is not to say that there are only bad people with bad intentions looking on the site you’re using, but we’ve ALL received those explicit messages. They have fetishes we aren’t into and participate in acts we would never be involved in. Let’s protect the wee ones. You can mention you’re a parent or just click the handy-dandy option of “Has kids” and leave it at that. Once you establish what your relationship is going to be with the person you meet, at your discretion, share information/photos about your children. But this is a personal pet peeve of mine – let’s keep children safe they didn’t ask to be on a dating site.

Your grills – WHY DO YOU HAVE GRILLZ and why do I need to see them?

N.E.V.E.R.

Bathroom (selfies, gelled/blown out hair, flexing, etc.) – I’m the queen of self portraits in the bathroom. There is good light and mirrors aplenty. The difference between my bathroom photo and yours is you would never know I was in a bathroom. Most of us live in a world of smartphones: iPhones has a reverse photo option where you can have the screen pointing at yourself so you can capture your beautiful smile and have it be in frame. I am a ride-or-die BlackBerry chick, so I use my bathroom mirror to make sure my face is in the frame and then take the photo with a plain wall or door behind me. You cannot see my shower curtain or my toilet or my sink. You can’t even see the phone I’m holding to take the photo! When I can see your entire Kitchen Stuff Plus bathroom setup, it’s time to use a lifeline and call a friend. Get it together! **Sidenote: keep your shirts on, stop flexing and just pay attention to giving good face – your smile and eyes will get us before your regrettable barbed wire tattoo ever will.

One of my online “bathroom” shots. Note: you can’t see my phone, toilet, sink, shower curtain, toiletries. I could be ANYWHERE in the house. Practice taking your self portraits using the mirror to help you instead.

Car/Motorcycle/Vehicle (Things) – This person may restore vintage cars for fun or a living. This person may go to Port Dover on the Friday the 13th every year. This person may be nicknamed Team Xtreme and ride/drive every land and snow vehicle on the planet. But if your only photo(s) posted are of your vehicle and/or pet and/or latest Instagrammed landscape from your most recent trip…don’t bother. By all means include it if you love to travel or really feel these things speak volumes about who you are, but they should not be the ONLY photos available.

Your Ex – Speaking from the point of view of a woman seeking a man, I’ve seen many photos of men in the company of women. Sometimes they indicate it’s a family member, sometimes they don’t say anything. If your best photo happens to be with your ex, crop them out completely at the very least. If a club photographer captures you at your besty-best-best surrounded by ladies, legs and sparkles then keep that one for your own archives. Again, you can post what you like but I can tell you it’s not a good look. People use these because they depict their lifestyle, they want to show they’re social and have friends and other positive qualities and I get that. They may also want to attract others who live the same way but again, it’s all in how it’s presented. A slideshow of club pics or blurred out after blurred out face just isn’t a good way to portray yourself for the very first time. If I was out in real life and saw a girl with her arm draped around a man’s shoulder whom I was attracted to…I wouldn’t approach them. Could you imagine???

Oh hey, excuse me, strangers. Since this isn’t Plenty of Fish and you don’t have captions dancing around below your necks, could you just let me know if you’re just friends or family or if you’re exes hanging out. You see, I’m super attracted to the guy half of your equation. You guys seem friendly but how friendly are you? You totes don’t have to answer right now, I’ll just leave my name and number right here and if you are available, feel free to reach out anytime. I hope you are both having a great night and sorry for any inconvenience.”  *single blink*

No. That’s not going to happen. They look like they’re having a great night and they will continue to do so without interruption. If I was in a bar/club/restaurant/concert environment and saw a man I was attracted to with his arms around provocatively dressed women all night, that would be a deterrent. In my mind, he seems like he’s having a grand ol’ time with the women he has and I’m not in this world to compete. I don’t want my first impression to be of you with another woman.

Circle of friends – Another huge pet peeeve is the photo of a million mans. Stop this. You cannot post a photo of a group of men and NOT indicate which one of those men is you! 9 times out of 10, you’re attracted to the person who isn’t actually the person you’re about to message. Do you know how many photos of groomsmen or sports teams I’ve come across? Sometimes it’s easy to tell if they have other photos of themselves to view and you can clearly see that he’s the only 6’5″ ginger-headed rabbi (you get the idea). But this is going out to the people who do not post proper photos AT ALL therefore we never know. If you have one or more photos on your profile and they’re all of groups of you and your friends and you never say you’re the one in the pinstriped suit or the second man from the left, then go edit immediately.

WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I hope this gives you some things to look out for in profiles you seek and/or maybe your own. 🙂

Something Good

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Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must’ve done something hella good. I was invited to chat about THIS blog and my Top 10 don’ts for online dating profiles on Global’s The Morning Show last Friday (you can see me in all of my nervous glory HERE). While I still can’t watch myself on TV, I’ve received the most encouraging feedback from friends, family and strangers alike. To answer the most asked questions: I haven’t heard if they’ll invite me back and I have no plans on doing television…but man, it was really cool!

My 15 minutes… (but technically only 8 minutes *single blink*)

As you can see, we only got through one of the 10 points so I figured what better way to run down the rest of the list than in a post. So without further adieu, here (in no particular order) are:

SINGLE BLINK’S LIST OF DON’TS FOR AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE

  1. Do NOT wait to be contacted, instigate conversation.
  2. Do NOT send basic messages. Your initial message should be multi-syllabic: “Hey” or “Hi” will not get people to respond.
  3. Do NOT post less than two photos: 1) an unobstructed view of your face & 2) a 3/4 to full body photo. You do not want to fall into any Bonos (wearing sunglasses ALWAYS) or Hat Tricks (all photos are taken while they’re wearing hats). You also don’t want photos where the subject matter looks like a dot in the frame.
  4. Do NOT say you don’t what to write and then say if there’s anything we want to know, “just ask.” We require something to begin a conversation, a story, a common interest, anything. It’s no different than in real-life.
  5. (For the men) Do NOT suspect every woman is a “gold-digger.” The fear/venomous denial by putting “Yes” or “Ask Me” beside the “Profession” field is ridiculous. Maybe we relate to your work and that’s something in common we can discuss. To normal humans, it’s not about figuring out how much money you make – I’m a grown woman; I can pay my own mortgage. Thanks for coming out.
  6. Do NOT continually message someone who has not messaged you back.
  7. Do NOT and I repeat, DO NOT, copy and paste messages to several profiles. They are so easy to detect because you don’t ask any specific questions about what you read in our profile and you’re only reiterating what we can read in your profile. Stop it.
  8. Do NOT lie about anything: height, weight, age, etc…we’ll find out.
  9. Do NOT post photos of celebrities claiming it’s you (I have a slightly higher pop-culture reference point than the average bear so using Max Hodges or Chris Powell is not a good move.)
  10. Last but not least, Do NOT post photos of:
  • Your kids
  • Anyone else’s kids
  • Your grillz
  • You in a bathroom mirror
  • You flexing in a bathroom mirror
  • Your car or motorcycle without you in the shot
  • Your blow-out (in a bathroom mirror)
  • You and your ex with their face blurred out
  • Groups of people who are the same sex as you and you have not indicated who you are (9 times out of 10, you’ll be attracted to someone who is not them).

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I Remember

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(There wasn’t a moment my cheeks weren’t covered in tears writing this. Please excuse any inconsistencies in tenses, grammar, spelling, etc. It’s just a story I wanted to share).

Many years ago, in a crowded night at the Bovine Sex Club, my best friend and I were approached by a man. He told us he’d heard about us. You see, in my former life, we used to manage local Toronto bands. As you know, I love music (hence every post having a soundtrack), and it was something we fell into after befriending many indie acts around the city.

What you need to know about this particular man, is we had heard about him too. Actually, we knew exactly who he was before he introduced himself and we had no idea why he was talking to us. This man’s name was Haydain. Haydain Neale. You may not be familiar with this name but you may be familiar with his band, his music. He was the frontman of jacksoul, a Canadian band I listened to since they first came out in ’96. I remember seeing this man on television, hearing this man on the radio and loving everything about the music he did. It didn’t feel or sound mainstream and that was the attraction. This was soul music, it fed me. Throughout the years, I saw interviews with Haydain – always with a smile on his face. Always positive. Always with an incredible sense of humour. I remember saying, “I’m going to meet that man.” I came very close on June 5, 2004. A co-worker gifted me tickets to a James Brown concert at the Molson Amp; jacksoul was the opening act and I had no idea. I was four rows back from the stage and I swore at one point we made eye contact but that could’ve been wishful thinking.

But the day came that evening in the Bovine. We asked how he’d heard about us and with that smile of his he told us how “word got around.” He and his wife, Michaela, started their own studio (Megawatt Studios) and were hoping to get some Toronto talent in to record. Unlike many “industry” folk we’d come across, he wasn’t trying to scam us or take advantage of our naiveté. He saw two young (black) Canadians with drive and passion doing their own thing. We weren’t a stereotype, the same way he wasn’t. At least that’s how I felt when we spoke.

Haydain and Michaela invited us to check out their brand-new studio space. No sales pitches, no pressure to bring our bands in to record. We sat around chatting about what we were doing, where we saw ourselves going.  I left that meeting feeling pumped, feeling like we could do anything we set our minds to. Something we’ve done must be right if an award-winning musician heard about our company without us ever contacting him. Michaela and I emailed back and forth for awhile but life happened, we fell out of touch and my management company dissolved.

On November 22, 2009, I was keying allocations; distributing boxes to retail stores across North America as I did every day. I remember singing along to “Can’t Stop” on the radio. I remember the DJ’s voice when the song concluded  telling me Haydain succumbed to his battle with lung cancer. I felt cold. I hadn’t heard. I calmly walked to the washroom, walked into a stall and cried. This man, who was still recovering from a life-threatening accident years prior, this man whose band was getting ready to release their latest album in December, was gone.

Not a single day goes by when I don’t think about meeting him; the way he and his wife welcomed us in. The way he seemed to live his life with laughter and the way that chance encounter boosted my confidence when I was trying to figure out what the hell we were doing. Do you understand how special a human being you have to be to affect someone you barely know; that you’ve met twice? He exuded a certain kind of magic. He was the essence of kindness, joy and love.

Today I remember Haydain Neale and his family he left too soon…the same way I remembered him yesterday. The same way I’ll remember him tomorrow.

Haydain Neale
September 3, 1970 – November 22, 2009

Grounds For Divorce

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Probably one of my favourite messages I’ve ever received and it came in last night:

“After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you

know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories… you will always have a
special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,

U

p.s. – You can keep the beach house in Florida as long as I can have the dog and
my CD’s back.”

I would NEVER give up the music. *single blink* Know this, future ex-husbands.

(P.S. Guy Garvey is perfection!)

Good Morning!

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The Morning Show

Catch me and all my Single Blink-Realness on Global’s The Morning Show THIS Friday, November 23rd between 8:15-8:30am (date and time is subject to change but I’ll keep you posted if it does). I’ll be chatting about my blog and giving my list of “DON’Ts” in order to have a successful online dating profile.

I’m nervous as heck and have no idea if my patented *single blink* will translate through the airwaves if I’m asked to demonstrate. I’m so honoured for this invitation because this blog is something I’m really proud of, and all of this before Single Blink is even a year old.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS!

Lovefool

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I learned a radical lesson about myself years ago: the long and short of it is, physical attraction just isn’t enough for a gal like me. I thought I could be that person once upon a time but I really can’t be into you, if the formula doesn’t make sense.

So there was this man I crushed on. Truth be told I still have a mini crush on him and I’m proud to say it’s a healthy crush from afar now. (Sidebar: I really think it’s great to have crushes. They really are fun when you keep it light. This story is about me not keeping it light.) He was my dream man who exists in my real world, not the celebrity world. Do you understand how difficult it was to go through life knowing I actually knew him? Bananas. He was the man I compared all men to and this dude didn’t even know my made-up feelings for him existed (the first of many problems with my rational mind).

This crush was serious. Like, dreaming a little dream of-his M-on-mine-as-he-used-his-T-to-F-my-lights-out-while-his-Hs-roamed-the-plains-of-my-34Ds-before–I hit-him-with-a-F-before-he-even-thought-to-put-his-P-in-my-V-and-kept-his-damn D-out-of-my-B-and-cuddled-the-rest-of-the-night kind of serious.**

**LEGEND:
M – mouth
T – tongue
F – french
Hs – hands
F – fellatio
P – penis/peen
V – vagina
D – dick
B – bum/butt

My crush and I had a legitimate moment years ago and this is where I had my revelation, folks. A lot of us put stock in physical attraction. We see someone, we’re instantly lusting after them based what we see (IRL and online) and we build all these fantasies in a split-second about the possibilities with that person. But let me tell you something, when I stood face to face with my crush, my heart was beating a mile a minute. And would you believe he kissed me and…AND…nothing. No butterflies, no stars, no sparkles, no nothing. I was shocked. So I obviously tried again because something HAD to be wrong! *puts out hand to begin counting off reasons why I thought I was suffering from selective insanity* 1) He was gorgeous, 2) he had a career, 3)he was my dream man!  The problem, my dears, is I didn’t know this man. A connection between us didn’t exist because the man in my head simply went to the make-believe costume shop and bought a crush costume to trick me. Do you know how sobering it was to lock pouters with the person you’ve loved in your mind for years and there’s zero loin reaction!?!?!?  I felt broken. He could see something was up and I STRAIGHT-UP (now tell me, is it gonna be you and me forevah… Oh, oh, oh… AHHHH I DIGRESSED)  told him the deal because this opportunity would never knock again. I told him I felt nothing which was crazy because it was something I wanted to happen for so long. He sat me down so we could talk it out. 4-5 hours flew by and I found out SO much about this guy. Facts. Cold-hard truths. Things that made me forget about my fantasy. Something began to tingle… *single blink* 

It was the wee hours of the morning and he said he had a confession about HIS crush on me. I didn’t buy it. Hear this: he told me he’s been crushing on ME since the first time he saw me. This reeked of “things you tell a girl to get in her pants.” He recalled events we both attended (some of which I didn’t know he was there). He even remembered details about specific outfits I wore because my face probably read as: Yeah, right. I couldn’t believe it. A crush never crushes back – it seems mathematically impossible.

We called it a night (we did not sleep together), shared a cab and he absentmindedly held my hand as we were driven in silence. My whole body was humming from my fingertips to my tippy-toes. I turned to him and asked if we could try it one more time and he smiled that smile and gave me the simplest of kisses and FIREWORKS! EXPLOSIONS! ROUNDHOUSE KICKS!

Scientific evidence it finally happened. FINALLY!

As we all know, I’m single. It didn’t work out, obviously. But every failed attempt at a relationship is a learning experience, right? I didn’t know I was wired so rigidly that I couldn’t be one of those girls who sees a dude to be my conquest for a night. I can’t do it. This is a great personal discovery. It’s happened where situations ultimately turned into a one-night stand but not because I wanted it to; I legitimately thought I’d see them again. Seriously! In my baffling naiveté of staggering consistency, I find a bit of solace knowing my intentions are always good.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me let’s-not-discuss-my-number, shame on me.

Tighten Up

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I need another week!!! JJs. Let’s go do this:

Butt play. Real talks for a real Monday morning.

Men, stay away unless you’re instructed otherwise. Do you know how often we have to thwart of anal-bound advances? I will never understand why men just go for it before they’ve even established what their partner is about. If you ever think to yourself, “I wonder if she’d be into this,” then she isn’t. Trust. If your girl is into it, there will be absolutely NO question – she will make it happen before you can *single blink*. 

On that note…it’s GREAT to post again. How I’ve missed it!

One Week

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Hi Friends! I officially begin a new job today and I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve been unemployed for three months and was really down on myself. I didn’t want to go back into the same career I was in, it was no longer challenging. The perfect opportunity presented itself and I jumped on it. Patience is not my strong suit so I kept myself occupied with plates of bacon and Teletoon. On one sweet Wednesday evening two weeks ago, I received the call that has changed my life for the better.  In saying this, I need one week off from blogging. I have massive training and I want to devote my time to learning everything I can as quickly as I can.

So keep blinking…but only once. 🙂