Cupids, Draw Back Your Bows

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Three online profiles were submitted from the contest that ended two weeks ago. The first was posted all last week. After weeding through the one-liners, the blatant racism and copy-&-pasters – here are the three (I know, only three) that are leftover. You guys can vote for me to ‘pass’ or ‘pursue.’

Bachelor #1: He’s 49, 5’11”, looking for a relationship, from Toronto, has kids and does not want any more children.

His message – “Hi, How are you ? I was just browsing through out of curiosity earlier today and i noticed your picture. Very beautiful pictures. I was wondering if you would be interested in communicating with me and possibly get to know each other ? I would be very interested in learning more about you. Hope to hear from you :-)”

Notable mention: all of his kids are over 18 (does not specify how many children)

Bachelor #2: He’s 37, 5’11”, looking for a relationship, from London UK, no children but wants them

His message – “With the looks of a Goddess, you deserve roses and kisses…xXx I would really like to get to know someone as yourself
I am Iooking forward to hearing from you. Bless-up, you are truly extremely stunning & beautiful to look at … xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”

Notable mention: he’s in a black patent Adidas coverall on roller-skates with the Ghana colours striped across his face peeking out from behind his dreads. Photo description: “When I dance on my skates, I travel to many dimention and back again where I can see all the you Goddesses.”

Bachelor #3:  He’s 25, 5’6″, looking for a relationship, from Toronto and has no children

His message – “hey adorable how are you doing ? my name is Matt and you have nice pics and i would love to know more about you what kind music do you listen to ? Rose are red violet are blue your eyes are pretty as the sunlight from the sky surround your overall beauty !”

Notable mention: his poetry skills are amazing *single blink*

You can tell me to ‘pursue’ any or all of them or ‘pass’ on any or all and wait for next week’s batch. Please ask questions about the ones listed above and I will fill in any blanks so you can make an informed decision.  Leave your votes in the comments!

"Help me if you will." ~ Sam Cooke


Home For The Rest

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I’m working on some goodies for next week.  But this week can seriously suck my left nut – my mindgrapes are bone-dry, I’m tired, I can barely go on. So any time this weekend decides to start is fine with me. Until then Friday…


…all day, erryday.

Come Together

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First of all…I’ve been paying close attention to my blog statistics because they interest me so. The fact that someone in Saudi Arabia, Morocco, Australia, Belgium, Egypt, etc. are reading these words (and I don’t have any friends I know of in any of these places) is so exciting.  I’m putting a call out to anyone who doesn’t know me from Canada and around the world. I want you to say “Hello” in the comments section because I wanna know who you are. Let’s be pen pals, okay?

Feeling the love from around the world!

Secondly, there seems to be some consistency in which posts are being read every single day.  I’ve discovered “I Heart Cartoon Men,” “Inappropriate Love Part 1,” and “Inappropriate Love  Part 2” are read multiple times DAILY even though I posted them in early February. This warms my heart. Not only because you’re reading the blog, but you also have sick, sick minds like me. We are all supposed to know each other.  In saying this, I believe I should do an “I Heart Cartoon Men Part 2” and an “Inappropriate Love Part 3” because these boys keep getting younger/older and I’m still a cradle-robber/child-bride.  *single blink*

If it’s cool with you, I’ll regale you with many more of my ridiculous celebrity crushes in the next few weeks. Also, I once did a post on my “Fantasy First Date with Steve Buscemi.” Was that cool? Did you like that? Should I do a series of Fantasy First Dates? Gimme all of your opinions dans la comments boîte below (that means “comments box” in a french I just decided works for me).

My Body’s a Zombie For You

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This message was received by a very dear friend of mine. Just read it. JUST…….read it.

A legit OKCupid message to my friend.

*single blink with a side of CALL 9-1-1!!!*

P.S. Ryan Gosling can sing to me any morning, afternoon or night. Swooooooon! Check out ALL of his band’s stuff: Dead Man’s Bones

You Can Dance If You Want To

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And now the conclusion of STORYTIME TUESDAYS!

BM had just returned for the weekend and our routine was that I would meet him at his place after I finished work (I already had a key). He had on his pajama bottoms and I was in his pajama shirt when we retired to the living room after dinner (yes, he fed me often EVEN after traveling all day) to listen to some music.

SIDEBAR – Here are the three steps to win my heart:

  1. Humour – he took care of that from date #1.
  2. Food – CHECK!
  3. Music – if we jive on this, I’m picking out the China patterns in my brains.

Now, I can’t remember how we got on the subject of high school but we were retelling memorable moments during those years. Obviously, he had his health issues to deal with on top of the usual problems had by the average teen. He explained he was involved with everything and never felt he missed out.  I told him how I went to prom but felt pretty invisible when I was there because I was never asked to dance. He called my date an expletive and we laughed. I told him I would agree with him IF I had a date for prom but alas, not I. He immediately jumped up and ran out of the living room. For reasons I’ll keep to myself, he only jumped like that when he had to go to the bathroom.  I remained on the sectional, lying upside down with my eyes closed humming along with the music. Then I heard, “May I have this dance?”

*single blink*

When I opened my eyes, he stood in the doorway wearing a top hat and a bow tie (still no shirt). I started laughing hysterically until I realized he was totally serious. (Please note: until that very night, I had never slow-danced with anyone). I turned right-side up, stood and said, “Are you serious?” He hit a button and Billie Holiday’s voice came flooding in through the surround sound. He pulled a flower from behind his back and handed it to me and then spun me around once and then we started dancing. As a grown woman, I felt like a complete tool because it seemed so simple but I had no clue what I was doing. My brain was going a mile a minute:

Where do my hands go?

Do I actually lift my feet or just shift weight from side-to-side?

Don’t couples slowly spin when they’re doing this thing? How does that mess happen?

As though my thoughts were coming through the speakers, he just said in my ear, “I’ve got you.”  SWOOOOOOOOOON! Do men really say things like that?! Yeah, they do! I completely blocked it like a trauma. I read my journal so this story would be as accurate as possible and came across this tidbit. Hot damn he was so hot. Damn.

This was the first/last time I’ve ever slow danced in my life.

I wanna dance with somebody!

Our relationship obviously didn’t last and I won’t go into the details as to why we stopped seeing each other. The purpose of this particular story is to show it doesn’t matter how people meet, you still go through the same ups and downs as any other relationship. You will have amazing memories and painful arguments and confusing conflicts that have no bearing on the way you met. Please think twice before you judge someone who uses other methods for meeting people. For whatever our reasons may be, this is an avenue we’re more comfortable with and shouldn’t be mocked because we don’t find dates as easy as others do. You don’t need to participate but you don’t need to put us down. That’s my little piece and I hope you enjoyed m’stories.

We’ll Get There Fast And Then We’ll Take It Slow

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“Hey 🙂 

would you consider moving to Germany? I am a professor with a life time position so I don’t want to move…. but I’m sure you would like it here 🙂 Please reply, in a second message a lot more can be discussed;) 

Ciao, Joerg”

A day later, his profile no longer existed. *single blink*

I was SO ready!

Don’t Mess With My Man

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Here is a life fact: I am an awesome poet. *single blink* Anyhow, RUDE…I came across a stack of odes I wrote to my different celebrity crushes. I thought I should share them with you. So please, put your fingertips together and snap for:

An Ode To The Man Of April



M is for his mulleted hair
A is for his unique flair
C is for his creative mind
G is for being so gentle and kind
Y is for the yawning, I never do when he’s on
is for victory when the bad guys are bombed
E is for everyone who never doubts his skill
R is for Richard Dean Anderson, his looks could kill

You’re welcome.

Last Chance For Romance (but not really…)

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Tomorrow is your last chance to send in the online profiles you wrote for me.  I will post each profile to my online dating page for one full week – any messages of substance, I will let y’all know and you can vote for me to pursue or not. I won’t be able to share their photos but I will share as much information as I can – the majority wins.

Here are the guidelines for the last time:

  • include a description of me (not necessarily a physical description since I have photos up, but something about my personality, what I do, etc.)
  • a summary of the type of person I should be looking for
  • a description of a fun first date idea
  • Keep it simple. The point is to capture the reader’s interest right off the bat
Send ALL profiles to by TOMORROW (Friday, April 20th) because…

Eat Steak

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A continuation from last week’s STORYTIME TUESDAY.

I was positively smitten with BM after our first date. He travelled a lot for work but we kept the embers ablaze with texts, emails and *le gasp* phone calls (I abhor talking on the phone and yet it’s all I wanted to do with him). He would tell me about his next great idea that caught the eyes of his superiors and I’d pat him on the back. I’d tell him about the amount of food I crammed back that afternoon and he’d textually stroke my belly. It was a great partnership, equal give and take in my book.

We hadn’t been out that many times but we had built a strong connection through all the ways we stayed in touch. Because he was away so much, every time we hung out meant that much more and we didn’t take it for granted. I actually loved the whole arrangement. I did me while he was away – I hung out with friends, worked, whatever…and throughout the day I’d get an email or two.  Maybe a text, and always a phone call before bed.  One of the weeks he was in town he asked to make me dinner… In his home!!! He’d mentioned, on many occasions, how much he enjoyed cooking. Other than rotten-tomatoed nachos, I’ve never had someone want to prepare a meal for me. For some reason it made me nervous.  You see, I’m a human garbage dump. I eat almost everything. What if he made something, the one thing in this world, that made me barf real chunks all over his table and chairs? *single blink* He told me to trust him, so I did.

Let me paint a picture of how this evening went down:

I arrived at his home and he asked what I’d like to drink as he led me to his living room. He told me to have a seat and brought in two drinks and sat beside me. We made a toast to the night ahead and then he said he was going to start dinner. I got up and asked what he needed me to do and he looked at me as though I morphed into Gary Busey and made a poem out of the letters of his name. He disappeared into the kitchen and just as I slinked back down onto the sofa,  he returned with another drink (for me) and picked up a remote control. He pressed a button and a movie screen emerged from the ceiling. He told me he knew I’d missed Saturday Night Live and other shows from the previous weekend and had created a folder with my name on his high-tech tv system with all of them queued for me to watch. He flashed his movie star smile and went back to the kitchen closing the french doors behind him. There was a moment when he was at the stove (his back to me) when I saw him taste the sauce he was making. He shook his head as though to say, “Nope, this isn’t gonna cut it for what I’m trying to do here,” and my heart grew three sizes that day.

I was caught up in one of the shows when I noticed the kitchen lights had dimmed. He opened the door and asked me to join him at the table that was set with schmancy silverware, cloth napkins and candles lit everywhere. He wouldn’t take a bite of anything until I had tasted it first. It started with a tomato and bocconcini salad followed by shredded brussel sprouts w/ bacon. The main course was a pasta in a homemade cream sauce (not Alfredo) with steak. And guys, he gave me the big steak. Can I get a swoon-swoon!!! He rounded it off with chocolate mousse for dessert. He genuinely found pleasure in seeing me enjoy the entire meal. This….is how you wine and dine a chick. IT WAS THE MOST ROMANTIC MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

Oh wait…no it wasn’t. That mo’ will be explained next week…

It doesn't take much to wine and dine a b!tch!
To be continued...