What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Just a heads up about my February plans.

I’m doing  Single Blink’s 14 Day Countdown to Valentine’s; posting my love letters to things I adore. I hope you enjoy them!

Lots of lurve to you and yours…

P.S. I’m pretty sure I have my All Hallow’s Eve costume in order after re-living the video below.  You don’t know NOTHING ’bout lace-fronts like Tina knows. *side eye*

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I’m Down On Bended Knee…

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HEY LADIES…  Please stop wearing heels you cannot walk in to the club.  But also, don’t wear them ever.  *single blink*  Here are a plethora of reasons why:

  1. You look like this (please see Exhibit ‘A’ below).
  2. Multiply the bullet point above by a plethora.

Exhibit 'A'

Straighten up (literally), stay inside or wear a ballet flat so I can mock you aloud.  The day you can do this repeatedly in stilettos….

Model: Me (@bettykiss) | Photo: Sylvia Pereira (@sylvieonabun) | Makeup: Elle St. Aubyn (@ellestaubyn) | Hair: Sheryl (Head Turners) | Dress: Breeyn McCarney (@breeynmccarney)

…AND live to tell the tale, we can chat.  Until that time, leave it to the professionals.

Ladylike

For some Friday flirty-fab-flirtatious-fun times,  I took this quiz from Her Campus to see what it said about my flirting style and what guys think of it.  You ready? Here are my results:

The Forward Flirt

You are the type of girl that will very obviously flirt with a guy anywhere, anytime, around anyone. You’re one to walk straight up to a guy and introduce yourself or give him a naughty compliment. You’ll never leave your guy wondering what is on your mind.

Being forward about your feelings is an admirable quality, but be sure you do so in an appropriate and timely matter. A quiet coffee shop is not the right place to loudly announce how sexy your guy’s butt looks in his new jeans. Show him a bit of your softer side and watch him melt.

I can make men melt?  But wait…  Since when?  So I hit the streets like I said I would and asked some fellas these questions:

Do you like when a woman approaches you first?  Is the aggressiveness a turn-off?  Should the first move be made by the man?

Once I assured these random gentlemen they weren’t in any stranger-danger, the results were unsurprising.  The majority of single men said they really liked when women approached them because it showed confidence and they found that hot.  One guy said it felt good to be wanted and what better way than having an attractive lady show interest in him.  These answers were pretty much the same as any woman I’d suspect – we want to feel wanted, we like men who can step up to the plate, blah blah blah – the same. What I found most interesting were some of the explanations for NOT approaching women first.

I met a couple of hesitant single men last week at a rock show. I told them I was writing a blog and received the obligatory, “Oh…just a blog,” and they were all about giving me the what-the-what of a single guy’s thought process.   Shy Guy McSweetface, or Guy #1, said he loves when a woman bridges the chat gap first.  His example: if he was riding an empty subway train and a beautiful girl was sitting solo, he would NOT make the first move.  And I quote, “I only approach girls in an atmosphere where they’d want to be approached.”  *single blink*  I don’t know if I speak for the majority of single gals so I’ll just speak for me… That is EXACTLY the right time to talk to me!!!  The type of conversations left up to the Night of the Roxbury-types at the bar/club (which is what he meant by the appropriate atmosphere) is so unbecoming I can’t even begin to tell you… So I won’t…  We want nice dudes to strike up conversation at the coffee shop, in the supermarket or on an almost-empty train when we’re daydreaming about nice dudes who never approach us while we’re RIDING AN EMPTY TRAIN.

Needless to say, this was news to them.  And THAT was news to me.  I know we (men & women) do not speak the same language at the best of times but the varied viewpoints from the select males I’ve spoken to have been shocking.

I’m pretty sure women will man-up and make the first move more often than ever before as we continue to evolve. But for the love of God and the testes you were blessed with; if you see a cute girl in your everyday, the-sun-is-out-and-dance-beats-are-long-forgotten life and you wish to know her better, just……say…..hello.  We’ll take it from there.  We gotchu.

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The Final Countdown

A review…of a movie…from 2009…..  I have too much time on my hands.

TiMER (2009) – starring Emma Caulfield aka Anya motha-f*ckin’ Jenkins, the Vengeance Demon from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer!!!”  This is why the movie had to be seen. I love her and want to be her bestest best friend in the world!  I just digressed so hard, please read on.

In an alternate, present day Los Angeles, people get timers implanted in their wrists and it’s counting down to the moment you are supposed to meet your soulmate.  Here’s the deal: The timer (measuring years, months, days and seconds) will zero out.  Sometime during the next 24 hours, you will meet “the one.”  Once you lock eyes with him or her, the timer will beep and that’s how you know.  Simple enough, right? Oona (played by Caulfield) has a blank timer which means one of two things, her soulmate has died OR doesn’t have a timer implanted.  She’s almost 30 so obviously her life is over and this matters the most. *single blink*

This movie takes us through Oona’s ridiculous plan to date timer-less men she can convince to have this procedure.  She finally meets one dude without a timer who she really digs; hers remains blank.  Cue rom-com-plications! (See what I did there???!)

I won’t give you any spoilers in case this movie is of interest to you, but let’s really discuss this.  If this technology existed and you were single, would you invest in this product?  Think about it…  No more online profiles, matchmaking services or slumming it at a bar.  You would know the exact moment when you met the person you’re supposed to be with.  What if you hated the person standing in front of you once your timer beeped? On the flip-side, what if your timer remained blank forever? Would you only date men without a timer implant?  I mean, they’d probably leave you once it counted down to zero, right?  Imagine??!??!?!?!?!!?!

Straight cold-blooded.

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I’m The Only One

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Let me paint you a picture…

I’ve been asked out on a date by a very charismatic suitor.  And this ain’t just any date, my friends.  He is going to take…me…out, Franz Ferdinand styles.  I was promised the 4 Ds: Drinks, Dinner, Dessert and Dancing.  This date has me puuuumped uuuuup!  I know I can’t be out all night long but hell…as long as I stick to my itinerary I will make the most of the time we have together. Let’s go over the list:

  1. Leave the office promptly at 5:30PM EST; travel home (40 mins)
  2. Call date to confirm meeting place & time.  Leave voicemail.  Worry. (5-10 mins)
  3. Arrive home and select outfit for date – keep it colourful and fun!  Remember Ari, you’re a delight. (15 mins)
  4. MAKE A MAD DASH INTO THE SHOWER – SOAP/SCRUB/SHAVE EVERYTHING!!! (45-60 BLOODCLOT mins)
  5. Double-check all body parts are shiny and smooth (5 secs)
  6. Lotion, baby oil, wait, repeat – ashy always comes back.  (7 mins)
  7. Put on selected outfit. (5 mins)
  8. Remove outfit and change aggressively into something else. (2 mins)
  9. Jacket, cab fare, SCANDAL BAG, BREAK-OUT THE FRONT DOOR (0.5 secs)
I arrive at the destination, sit at the bar and receive a text message:  Something came up. Hope this got you in time. TTYL.

It’s my own fault, really.  But maaaaan, all I can do is curse him FOREVER for making me waste a good bathing.  I HATE THAT! Am I the only one? *single blink*

"Everything you done to me, already done to you."

Self Esteem

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I apologize for my rudeness yesterday but a post just wasn’t going to happen for several reasons I shan’t bore you with. I decided to pre-empt today’s regularly scheduled post to leave the jokes behind and get real.  Come along for the ride.

There’s one piece of advice I always give and wish I could follow: everyone must recognize their worth. If you don’t see it, you won’t attract the good people.  And if they do find you, they won’t hang around for long.  I’m not talking about Prince Charming or your own personal Dreamweavin’-Tia Carrere.  People don’t want to hang around a Debbie Downer – it’s scientific fact.

Last night I had my bi-monthly “Oh poor me” phase.  It’s THE worst. I’m completely incapable of figuring out my worth and my brain never fails to repeat this over and over again.  How is this possible? I’ve been in this body going on 31 years and the emotional roller coaster I’m constantly on is speeding me into the Tunnel Of Insanity without taking any safety precautions.  Again I say, rude. *single blink*

Here are some hidden truths you may or may not know about yours truly: I suffer from OCD, zero self-esteem, repetitive stress disorder in both hands which make the simplest of everyday tasks extremely difficult, insomnia, body dysmorphia? (oh yeah!) and a social anxiety disorder that makes leaving the confines of my home a daily nightmare.  These aren’t huge, OMG truths nor is this my 2012 Campaign for Sympathy.  It’s just me, I live with it, I deal.  Would you have known most of this stuff if I didn’t just lay it out?  Probs not because 90% of the time I’m David Copperfield circa the 90s…you can’t figure out m’tricks! I joke a lot to mask a lot but it’s always been there.

So for you ladies and gents, who choose to ignore what ails you or think you’re the only one who has issues…we all do.  Some people just carry it in cute little clutches as opposed to broken-down, second hand attaché cases (I’m trying to be more of the former).

Do NOT go through life regretting things you did or didn’t do.
ALWAYS go with your gut, no matter what!
NEVER let anyone tell you you’re something you’re not.
LIVE in the now and don’t worry about tomorrow.

It’s easier said than done…I know it.  I’m a work in progress, but trust – I’ll get the work done.  I hope you do too.

Red Light Special

Is this post’s title a reference to TLC’s illustrious sophomore album CrazySexyCool? You can bet Chilli’s sideburns it is!  I’m a slave to the red light.  I get a fevah waiting for it to go off.  It’s anxiousness, impatience, and addiction rolled into one and the second I see that fiery blink… Awwwww man, it’s ecstasy.

Why do message notifications on my phone elicit such strong feelings?  I really can’t answer that but it puts me in a state of euphoria every single time. I think the better question is: Who am I waiting to hear from?  Answer: NO-F*CKING-BODY!  I remain optimistic that eventually the blinking red light will mean a text-messaged sweet nothin’ from my heart’s desire instead of a Groupon for a 2.5 hour jam session with fellow downtown musicians. *single blink*

Mad props to my boo, my baby, my BlackBerry.   And to the single fellas – call me, beep me…if you want to reach me.

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How Will I Know?

The Scandal Bag.  Do you not have one?  EVERY single woman should have one on the ready in her closet, under her bed or in her bathroom cupboard.  A Scandal Bag is for unexpected fun times not a planned slumber party with your girls; you must carefully select each item and not over-pack. Being prepared for a who-knows-what-may-come evening does not make you a Slutbag Whoreface.  I know this because I’m not one and I have a Scandal Bag. No one needs to experience the walk of shame; that’s a life choice you make the moment you leave your home.  Depending on your evening, size of the purse you want to carry and going-out attire, your bag may differ.  But trust, I’ve been able to fit everything listed below in a clutch.  I’m trained – don’t make me tell you again.Here are some suggestions for you to begin assembling your own Scandal Bag:
A Panty – if I have to explain why, you don’t deserve the situation requiring a Scandal Bag.

Socks & Ballet Flats – the heels and bare leg won’t be cute in the A.M.

Toothbrush/Toothpaste – there’s no need for your mouth to be foul just ‘cuz you’re not home.

Deodorant – hopefully you worked up a right sweat!

$20 – this can cover cab fare, public transportation, a bite to eat on your way home. It’s just a safety net.

Condoms – don’t be a dummy.

Glasses, Contact Solution & Case – these items are near and dear to my own heart; I don’t go anywhere without them.

A Granola Bar – you WILL be hungry.

Small Hand Towel – drying your face on the dress you wore OR his dirty t-shirt you found on the bathroom floor ain’t a good look.

Eye Makeup Remover Wipes – self explanatory.

A Maxi Pad or Tampon – things happen.

Mobile Phone Charger – SO IMPORTANT!!!

Hair Elastic – your press and curl will NOT last the night.

Leggings – these are so necessary.  Putting these on under any party dress makes you feel more comfortable the morning after when you only have your waist-length bomber jacket.

So if you have a hot date or a night out with your friends RIFE with potential peen…unnu bettah mek shore unnu packa scandal bag! (ENGLISH TRANSLATION: Please ensure you properly pack a Scandal Bag!)

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And I will try…to fix you.

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed – it may lead to dealbreaker territory and I’d hate to see that happen to you.  Here’s a list of things I never knew offended me until…they offended me. *single blink*

Teva sandals/Mandals

Shaved off sideburns a.k.a. the Universal Soldier

Ed Hardy Apparel

Lip gloss (Wear balm or a Chapstick. I’m secretly jealous of your lips!)
Jeans with exaggerated stitching 
Jeggings for Men (It’s a style suggestion not life requirement.) 
Yellow or Colourfully-Mirrored Lensed Wraparound Sunglasses (Triathletes Only!)

Wearing a Bluetooth Headset Unironically 
Nail-biters

Wearing several polo shirts and popping every collar in the universe around your neck.

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