If You’re Happy And You Know It

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Jason Collins is gay. This was the big announcement of Monday, April 29, 2013. This was a landmark moment in the world of men’s professional sports. And while I do not want to diminish the significance of what he did (because it’s a big, f*ckin’ deal), it is still a big, F*CKIN’ deal. In 2013. On Earth. Does this not seem preposterous to anyone other than me? Just by statistics alone, there are SO many gay athletes playing sports right now and he’s the only one in one of the major four male professional leagues where this is known??? *single blink* Come on, world. We need to do better than this.  This vicious cycle won’t end because not everyone will be accepting of Jason Collins. HE hasn’t changed but someone else’s perception of him changed. That changed perception causes fear. That fear becomes a festering petri dish of hate…and that hate will amount to unnecessary bullying and violence, somewhere. We know this. We’re not new to this. People were frothing at the mouth to see the first homophobic response to this news so we could attack/agree with whomever said it. It’s sickening. Humans make me ill.

I felt this version of the song was an easy-to-follow metaphor of what I expect are the different emotional stages of coming out (and if not, it’s the stages I go through when someone is described as “brave” for just being honest about who they are):

When you come out = “If You’re Happy And You Know It…”

When you get hit upside the head with public reaction = “If You’re Sad And You Know It…”

When idiots try to dictate your life = “If You’re Mad And You Know It…” (cut short obviously, because who really has the time)

When you’ve had enough = “If You’re Sleepy And You Know It…”

When you wake up the next day and the day after that and the diggy-dog day after that = you’re right back to “If You’re Happy And You Know It…” because you can’t with these basic bitches. So now is your time to own it.

As humans we are forced to live alongside each other whether we want to or not.  Those unable to handle it end up doing unspeakable things to the people around them.  Right now your own beliefs do not matter to me so stop reading or unfollow/unfriend/un-like or whatever because I will cut ANYONE who expresses anything negative to me about this subject.  So the question of questions is:

WHAT IS ACTUALLY YOUR PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE BEING GAY?

Is it because it makes you uncomfortable? So does a wedgie yet you cope.

Is it unnatural? Who cares – it doesn’t concern you.

Are you under the impression that all gays carry AIDS or HIV? Well, you’re just stupid and I’ll thin you from this herd of people I associate with.

Is it against your religion, is it some form of sin? Everyone sins, including you and yet you’re still able to live your life by asking forgiveness. Why don’t we let the big guy upstairs make the decision on who didn’t live the life He apparently set out for them. I mean, if that’s what the argument really is, then judge not lest ye be judged, bitch.

Are you afraid of the gays and their advances? THEY DON’T WANT YOU!!! (You should be so lucky.)

Do you think accepting gay people in your life will, in fact, turn you into a gay? Well, m’dears, it’s in you to give. If you’re gay, you’re gay. If you’re not, you’re not.  If you’re idiot drunk girls trying to get attention from a group of oil workers at your local top 40-playing club, well then, you’re just messing up your own lipstick with one another for no goddamn reason.

Are you fighting your own homosexual desires and you know the gays have a special power that illuminates a rainbow across your forehead for the world to see as they spit COTDAMN GLITTER WHILE RIDING A STAMPEDE OF OF BEDAZZLED UNICORNS ACROSS YOUR FARCE OF A LIFE?????!?!?!?!?!! IS THAT THE PROBLEM? DID I GET TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR TRUE FEARS?

Tha f*ck outta here.

Give me any question and I’ll Dikembe Mutombo it back in your face so hard it will reverse the earth’s gravitational pull.  If. you. cannot. live. your. damn. life. due to the race, gender, cultural background, sexual orientation, etc. of someone then be in your sad, little worlds because that’s how I view what you’ve chosen to spend energy on.

Just let me say my piece and hopefully free my mind of the attack it’s having on itself.

Gay people are just people. Gay/Same-sex marriage is just marriage. Boyfriends having boyfriends/Girlfriends having girlfriends is simply known as a relationship. People having to explain this to other people BLOWS MY MIND OUT OF MY EARHOLES.

All I know is I’m standing on the highest soapbox in the universe because I look down on you with a shameful, slow-shaking head of disgust. I pity you and would never wish your brain and ugly, hateful thoughts on my worst enemy. I am happier than you and I always will be because there’s no one in this world I’m preventing myself from being friends with or learning from or loving due to a small mind and sheltered world view.

I am a single, straight, black Canadian woman with abysmal gas and razor sharp wit. I have a love of porn and Richie Havens music and not necessarily at the same time……..but maybe!!! I have a killer smile even though my teeth are jacked and I watch more cartoons than all the children of the world combined. These things, plus so much more, make me who I am. But do any of these things make you less of who you are? Is your straightness ending wars? Is your security in your heterosexuality feeding the hungry? How are you better or more worthy of the most basic human rights? You’re not.

So the next time someone says, “By the way, I’m gay,” your only response should be a single blink followed by, “Actually, you’re Stanley. We just met, like…two minutes ago – do you like sushi ‘cuz I’m starving?”

Are my instructions clear? Now, go get a life and get the direct f*ck out of everyone else’s.

Kanye mic drop

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Tenderoni

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Now that I’m an Essential Woman, I think we need to have some grown-up conversations. I began this blog as my own outlet to vent about my frustration with dating/men/sex/etc. and while this remains true, I was overwhelmed with how many of you related so let’s have some ACTUAL talks.

Comment!

Email me!

Anything!

I feel like I’m riding solo when I know you’re out there. I want to hear (and share if you’re about it) your experiences too.  In saying that, let’s get down to the tippy-top of all Ts*:

When was the last time you came across a legit tenderoni IRL? *single blink*

Lick lips 2

Where are the tenderonis?

Right?!?!!  I saw one in my office last week and my period started immediately. The sight of this ‘roni LITERALLY burst my ovaries!  This is not good, Toronto. So this is my PSA to my city (and the cities you’re in if you’re realizing this is a real problem):

The summer is coming, I’m daily turning into the finest wine and I’m not seeing ‘ronis on a regular basis. I’m not about that life. At all. You’ve been warned.

*”the T” means “the Truth” 

WTFF: Arianne Young on “Careers”

In today’s edition of “What The F*ck Fridays:”

Saidah, Sook-Yin, Patti, Maya………..me??!?!?!!?  *single blink* If you didn’t know it then well, you better know it now…I am an Essential Woman.

The Essential Women’s Guide: 53 – Arianne from The Essential Women’s Guide on Vimeo.

Photo: Simone Maurice

Photo: Simone Maurice, Crew neck: North Star, Featherbone Earring: Gardé Del Avante, Straight-laced collar necklace: Bizou, Essentials: Arianne Young

In other news: I still can’t watch myself on a screen and I did babble and don’t feel I answered the question;  BUT I did listen to it and I didn’t turn into dust! Be gentle, guys. I’m essential but still still a fresh(wo)man at this.

I was so honoured when Simone approached me to a part of this growing library of positive, strong women. I know so many women who inspire me daily so I think you should do this too. It’s super fun – you choose one card from a full deck and simply answer the question: “If I could give women one piece of advice on <insert topic on card>, it would be…” and speak from your heart. Contact Simone on Twitter at @TEWG_Vlog so I can share your words too!

Dr. Maya Angelou on “Life”

You know I’m not only here for ALL of this, I was 10 minutes early and waiting for you to arrive. Let’s go.

Dr. Maya Angelou (1)

Dr. Maya Angelou on “Life” (drink this in/eat this up. It’s all nourishment for your soul):

“…because you know that you’re somebody.”
~Dr. Maya Angelou

Once you’ve listened to this, press play again and again and again. I’ve probably listened to this clip about 45 times and I keep discovering something else inherently helpful for my own life. This woman IS the absolute truth.

Dr. Maya Angelou (2)

Maya Everlasting.

Patti Smith on “Relationships”

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Patti Smith on “Relationships:”

Sense of humour, folks! I’ve been saying this forever and I truly agree.

Sidenote: this ENTITY known as Patti Smith has influenced my style choices before I even knew what style was. Always been in awe of her look because it’s not typical, she’s not uber-femme and you can’t put anything about her in a tiny box.

Patti Smith (1)

Liiiiiiike, let’s talk about this. Sex appeal for days with zero effort.

Patti Smith (2)

Just chillin’ and here for it in lotus stance. I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

Do you have any favourite videos from The Essential Women’s Guide site? I want to know which ones!!!

Sook-Yin Lee on “Friendship:”

During this past blog hiatus, I needed to lift my spirits and was introduced to the wonderful world of The Essential Women’s Guide.  WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW ABOUT THINGS?!?!?!  *single blink*  You must keep a gal informed when things like this come into this world.  This week I’ll share some of the videos with you and I encourage all of you, men & women alike, to check them all out.

Sook-Yin Lee on “Friendship:”

It’s good to be back, friends!

Embraceable You

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I put a lot of stock in someone who knows how to give a hug. I’ve been looking through old journals and I seem to always pay special attention to the hug I received that day, especially when they came from the opposite sex.

I think a lot can be determined by how a man gives hugs. Have you ever been on a date with someone and either at the beginning or end of the date, they hug you but their arms are loose or they do those rapid-fire back pats? *single blink* No? Just me? WELL, I hate that!  If you’re not into me don’t give me a hug that could only be described as “condescending.”

I haven’t had a memorable hug in a long time, not until recently, which is why I think this is top of mind. So fellas, if you’re going to hug a lady (friend or otherwise), do it with some intent.

Good hug.

Good hug.

Hug Bad

Bad Hug

This message brought to you by the Single Blink Board of Embracing.

The Best Man

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There is no perfect man. I do feel, however, there’s the right one for all of us.

*single blink*

Now that I’ve pitifully prefaced this post with what I should be saying, let’s talk on the real-real-real-REAL-real-REAL-REALLY-real tip.  I loves me a lot of celebrity men: from Steve Buscemi to Jeremy Renner to Sean Hanlon-era Ryan Gosling to Mr. Damon Wayans, Jr. BUT…if I had to choose ONE man who isn’t the perfect one, but the BEST one for me, I’d have to choose (from H-to-T) Chris O’Dowd.  This choice is based strictly on how I perceive him in the public eye. I don’t know him. He could be the worst person alive but from the minimal online interaction I’ve had with him and watching his interviews and the roles he chooses to play and what he chooses to wear and how he chooses to breathe and…   Well, based on that, I need me a Toronto Chris O’Dowd.

If you haven’t read this article by Jada Yuan posted on Vulture (but originally published in New York Magazine), please do (click here!)

My favourite quote describes the type of relationship he has with his wife, Dawn Porter and this is EXACTLY all I need:

“They’ve taken to saying the words hashtag marriage to each other whenever they worry they’re becoming boring. “I’ll go, ‘Hey baby, how are you doing?’ And she’ll go, ‘I’m pretty sleepy.’ And I’ll go, ‘I’m sleepy, too.’ And then she’ll say, ‘hashtag marriage’ and we’ll fall asleep.”

……………………….

Liiiiiiiiiike, c’mon! That’s so wonderful and right. The reason why this man’s EVERYTHING resonates with me is I honestly believe that how he presents himself is as close to who he is without the cameras and lights. He has these rapid fire quips to keep you on your toes, he’s charmingly self-deprecating or outright confident but always with a wink to let you know he’s in on his own joke. He just wants to know the craic all of the time and that’s just grand.

Photo: Peter Hapak/New York Magazine

Photo: Peter Hapak/New York Magazine

That’s all I’ve got. I’m going to go back to my archives and read everything else I have on this man. And go see The Sapphires if you haven’t already. I was lucky enough to catch the first screening at TIFF last year and it was my favourite movie of 2012. Music, comedy & Chris O’Dowd – you cannot go wrong here.

Who is your ‘best’ celebrity man? Not ‘perfect’ and not ‘favourite’ but ‘BEST!’

Something’s Missing

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I had a pity party this Easter weekend – I was incredibly workout-sore and ultra sick and knew I wasn’t going to be hanging with the family so I took to the Bravo channel’s “Criminal Minds” marathon.  Let’s be serious, Mandy Patinkin and Thomas Gibson for 72 hours is exactly what my prescription outlined. Y’all can take your Spencers and Morgans and get outta here!  *single blink* But I digress…

I was hungry but didn’t feel like cooking. I was lazy and let the dishes stay where they were until really early Sunday morning. I washed a few pots and utensils and made a delicious 2AM meal.  I was using an IKEA teaspoon to put some rice in my bowl and didn’t even realize I was crying into the rice cooker!  Shocked, I put the bowl down and took a couple steps away from the counter to figure out what kind of non-postpartum was happening to me. I felt…

Wrong

It didn’t take me long to pinpoint the feelings of despair. It may sound old-fashioned but despite what you may think/know about me, I’m incredibly old-fashioned in many ways when it comes to how I see myself in a relationship. You rarely hear it these days because it’s not the world we live in anymore or women feel it makes them sound less independent or strong: but I know I’m supposed to be a wife and mother.  I don’t mean “exclusively” or that my life is nothing and I don’t have goals I’m working toward. I simply mean what I say. When I was younger I remember having a dream and seeing my son (I don’t know how I knew he was mine, but I just knew) sitting on the piano bench in my grandparent’s family room. Just sitting there, smiling me.  It was one of the most vivid dreams I ever had. I can’t deny I never thought about my wedding, but more than that, I thought about the marriage, the bond so few of us are lucky enough to find. I come from a broken home and while I had a great upbringing with a father who raised me and a mother I could see whenever I wanted; I didn’t fear the idea of marriage like a lot of latchkey kids whose parents are no longer together. DIGRESSING AGAIN.

Basically, in the moment where I was pathetically teaspooning my single serving of rice into a plastic bowl, I was really missing something I’ve never had. I thought about how often I wish I was serving dinner to my husband and kids at our dinner table. It broke my heart in that very instant. I realize I take care of myself even more when I’m looking after someone. I keep a tidier home, I want to entertain more, I live for tucking people in and making sure they’re okay.  When it’s just me, I let things go for really no reason. I am tickled with the idea of having a family who will exhaust me to a point of no return and I can’t wait for that to happen. It’s in me to be maternal – I’ve always had it and I believe I always will. Ironically, I have friends, a sibling, nieces and nephews, parents and grandparents whom I neglect and push away more often than not to remain alone. I love them all to pieces in completely different ways. It’s a strange, confusing fight I have in my mind, something I constantly battle with. It’s hard to explain why, but I know why I do this. I know it has to do with pride and sometimes shame but in some twisted capacity. If I ever find the words, it may be a future post.

These are not the rambling thoughts of someone who thinks a man or a baby will complete them or who doesn’t see the obvious. There’s a ton I need to work on within myself before I’ll be ready to start my own family. It was just a split-second reaction to something that creeps into my mind every so often. My heart doesn’t have an empty space; it’s so full, it’s overflowing and seeking something large enough to catch the run-off. Being single and childless has it’s amazing upside and advantages, but when it’s been the majority of your existence, well…… *shrugs*  It’s just never been favourite thing.  These longings of mine come from a place that understands I’ve got a lot to offer the right person and really hope I gets that opportunity in this lifetime.