Pretty Woman

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“Pretty Woman” aka P-Dubs. A movie I can watch repeatedly, from any point and instantly be happy. How many times have I wished to find myself in the same situations as Vivian without living the life of a down-on-her-luck prostitute? SO MANY TIMES! With the exception of two situations:

1) When Jason Alexander tries to have his way with her. No.
And 2) The no-kissing on the lips rule.

Has this ridiculousness ever happened to you?!?!?!?!?! Like, they won’t kiss you but they want to do all other types of things to you? Have you. Ever been. P-Dubbed?! ‘Cuz it’s happened to me more times than I care to mention and I have no idea how I bring this upon myself. I hate it. I absolutely hate it.

pretty woman 2Why bother with the sweet lines, boys? Why even call this a date if you’re only looking for one thing and you want to keep your emotions as far away from me as you possibly can? If kissing (KISSING!!!) is too personal, TOO intimate, then don’t ask me out.

I have a question: who hurt you? Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t care and it would be worse for me to pretend like I damn well do. Take your beautiful mouths, set your mouth to “frown,” and head in the opposite direction of where I am. You see, unlike a lot of females who like to live in the land of imaginary, I’d rather know where I stood from the start than have to wade through a man’s issues swamp (Population: Him + one million problems all starting with the name “Jennifer”). Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that! *single blink*

Friends, I am positive I’ve reached my limit of trifling, whack-attack, immature, bugabooin’, non-take charge boys. This woman needs a grown-ass man. Fully grown. Nourished. Healthy. Strong. Broad. Ready.  THESE ARE THE QUALITIES!

Have a good weekend and stay tuned for my New Year’s contest comin’ atcha on Monday!!!

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As Days Go By

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So I read a profile the other day and didn’t hesitate to send a message to him. Here it is:

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Him:

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*single blink*  Ah yes, mild racism on Christmas Day via an online dating site. There is nothing I like more than dealing with this but not today.

Me: Screen Shot 2012-12-25 at 9.45.39 PM

Him:

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While I would’ve blocked this guy after his first reply, I was bored and thought this would make a great post just to show y’all who think this is no longer an issue…that it’s still, in fact, an issue.

Me:

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Him:

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Me:

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The rest of this conversation string went on and on because he needed to know the largest penis I’ve ever had. I said if I told him, it would come after him and force him to sit on it. While this conversation was happening, another lovely man reached out to call me a nerd but told me he could make me pretty. This philanthropist also implored I “quit speaking properly” because I’m black and should let my Africa show.

Racism isn’t just someone saying/typing “nigger” or whichever other paint-by-colour term goes with your race. Let’s be real – it’s a belief system that infects everything that rules your life. But let me tell you about MY belief system: your intent to make me feel anything less than worthy speaks volumes about how little you think of yourself. *triple snaps*

World, be better.

With that, I’m happy to announce the following after 12 years of online dating:

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applause

Hello, 2013. You. Look. Marvelous!!!

So Long, Farewell

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Merry Christmas Eve to some of you, Happy regular Monday to the others and Season’s Greetings to everyone in between. Let the good times continue with this really real message I received not too long ago:

Screen Shot 2012-12-23 at 11.16.32 PM*single blink*

BYE!

BYE!

I never make New Year’s resolutions but I damn well know my luck online (and off) must be better than this and I’m going to make it so. I don’t know how or by what divine intervention, but I will make better things happen. GODDAMMIT!

I Should Be So Lucky

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How I get THIS lucky is beyond my comprehension. Here is another man who did his post-grad in Woo-nomics:

“Hey there, would you be interested in joining me and one of my girlfriends for a fun time? Let me know.”

So I’m like…

ME? You choose me?!!!!

Me?!!!!!!!

*single blink* 

tha f*ck out of here.

Charmer

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I think my soul mate just found me. Read his sweet words in response to parts of my profile (I can only assume) and try not to fall in love too!

“Why would anyone send you more then hello when chances are 9 times outta ten there will be no responce. I think I speak for most men. After you reply then maybe something more substantial would be written but this is a numbers game at best. If you tired of lame greetings try messaging some people first. Oh wait youre female so you can’t do that. Nevermind.”

So I’m all…

swoon 2

swoooooooooooooooon!

Charmers…everywhere. *single blink*

Black Hole Sun

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Last week, I signed into POF for the first time in a few weeks and I promised the jokes would be mighty high. So let’s start off with a highlight:

*ahem*

Screen Shot 2012-12-16 at 10.52.28 PM

A real-life message to me.

*single blink*

For real-real-real-real-real-REAL-real-real-real??? That’s it?

May the odds be forever in your favour. Bye.

It’s Over

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We’ve come to the end of my Top Don’ts for online dating profiles. It’s over…finally! The last two DON’Ts can be combined: #2 – DON’T send basic/crazy messages and #1 – DON’T wait to be contacted, instigate conversation.

hi

It cannot be stated any more simply. Say more than “hi” or “yo” when you instigate conversation. Oh yeah….AND INSTIGATE CONVERSATION.  Do you know how many times I’ve begun conversations with someone and they’ve told me they’ve viewed my profile several times but never found it in them to write? Whatisthat? Whatdoesthatmean? Whydoyouexist? BYE! *single blink*

Friends, this online dating thing is not rocket science. As fun as this list was to compile, online dating has actually proven to be better for me than meeting someone in real life. I’ve met men I would never have met otherwise and some of them are still my friends after dates from years ago. While that’s not the happy ending I still dream about, it’s still a damn fine story and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

If you’re thinking about joining a dating site and you want some personal advice, don’t hesitate to message me. I have more knowledge than I ever knew. If you’re perfectly content dating the way you’ve always dated, then I wish you nothing but luck.

You Can Leave Your Hat On (Sometimes. Only!)

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#3 – DON’T post less than two photos. At MINIMUM, these photos should be:

  1. an unobstructed view of your face
  2. a 3/4 to full body photo

Beware of multiple photos in sunglasses and hats. Why, you ask? Let me break this down for you:

I do NOT fux with Bono’d* Bens,
I do NOT fux with Hat Tricked** Glens,
I would not, could not in a jam,
I would not, could not give a damn,
So heed my words, and find your zen,
And only fux with full-faced mens.

*Bonos – men who wear sunglasses FOREVER in photos.
**Hat Tricks – men who never seem to be without a hat (if this sounds superficial, it 100% is supposed to).

We all want to put our best foot, or face in this case, forward BUT don’t be sneaky. I let you see me, so you let me see you – it’s only fair. I have bad teeth and sometimes my right eye crosses because it’s my weak eye but it’s me so I deal. You’ll find out anyway, so here I am! Listen, beauty is subjective – what I find attractive, you may not. I melt for a man with cauliflower ears, that’s an attractive physical quality to me. If you’re in a hat that pins those ears back, well…shame on you! See the greatest hat trick of our modern day, Ne-Yo. It baffles me every time and it has NOTHING to do with his receding hairline. His entire sexssence (sex essence) vanishes when he’s sans hat. Trust me, Ne-Yo in a hat can get it all day long without uttering a single word. I’m attracted to Ne-Yo under false pretenses because he’ll never ALWAYS be in a hat, but if a hatless “Ne-Yo” is genuine and shoots me a great message…then looky here, the hat will be my bonus.

Ne-Yes

Ne-Yes

Ne-No

Ne-No *single blink*

Are there exceptions to my made-up rule, of course there are! If the photo does not have the brim blocking parts of his face, then he can leave his hat on always. But if you think you’re going to get more interest hiding your male pattern baldness or your sunken in soft spot, I’d suggest you come correct the first time.

More Than Words

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#4 – DON’T write you don’t what to write anywhere in your profile.

I swear if I read this on one more profile I will Hulk-Smash a b!tch. This is a continuation of yesterday’s “don’t” in essence… It all comes down to finding out a little bit about you so we can spark a conversation. Again, you don’t have to start off with the day you were born, breaking your mother’s vaginal crest. *single blink* It’s not that serious, ladies and gentlemen. It really isn’t.

A profile should consist of no less than the following (in the written portion):

  • What you’re hoping to find/finds you
  • Details about one or two things that truly interest you

THAT’S IT! Anything else is a bonus. We know how tall you are, your hair colour, YOUR PROFESSION (ahem!), your eye colour, what you’re using the site for (i.e. dating, relationship, intimate encounter, etc.), your age, your sign. We just need to feel like there’s a human behind this profile. Your spelling may not be the best, you’re not the most creative writer in the world…who cares! Just be honest and genuine and don’t make it seem like your profile is an afterthought. If you don’t care enough to put a little effort into writing one, then it’s a bad first impression. You probably won’t put any effort into getting to know me. The people who “don’t know what to write” are the people who instigate conversation with a “hey” or ” ‘sup.”  <– No.  If you were to approach someone in real life and opened with: “I have nothing to say to you so just ask me questions,” how would you react?  Obviously, I’m more blunt than most and I’d literally side-eye and sashay away. Why are you approaching me then, maaaaaaang?!

If your excuse is: “No one reads the profiles, they just look at the photos,” then this entire blog/list wouldn’t exist.

It’s about more than the words, people. Remember that. Just be genuine, be real, be you.

Tell me something I don't already know... It can literally be anything!

Tell me something I don’t already know… It can literally be anything!

9 to 5

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#5 – DON’T put “have one,” “yes” or “ask me” under your profession.

This is more of a pet peeve of mine than most anything else on online dating profiles, when men try to be mysterious and secretive about their professions and here’s why:

I’m not a GD golddigger nor a stalker. I’m not saying there aren’t people out there looking for lawyers, doctors and other executive type individuals who are assumed to have money for sugar daddy/mama status. If you’re uncomfortable sharing that information, just leave it blank and don’t try to be cute. It’s not original, this post proves that it’s happening by more people than you. *single blink*  Gentlemen, just so we’re clear: I pay my own mortgage, I buy my own wine and I travel by m’damn self…I don’t need you or your CEO paycheck to make it rain. Got it?

We get it, we get it. You want  to be mysterious.

We get it, we get it. You want to be mysterious.

Real talks? Listing a profession is another way to engage in conversation. We’re not asking you to list your company name and address. Whether it be something I relate to or something I’m curious about, it allows me to ask questions because I’m legitimately curious. You’re a tv producer? Awesome! Tell me all about it because I’m a television junkie. You’re a chef? Wicked! I love to eat, what would be THE meal you’d make to show a gal your kitchen skills? You’re an electrician and your profile says you went to school for Communications. I can totally relate because I’m doing something I never thought I’d be doing when I thought about the future. If you tell me your story, I’ll tell you mine. DO YOU SEE? Look at how this sparks conversation.

Stop being ridiculous. It’s not mysterious nor intriguing, it’s just annoying. We’re all adults. If you come across the golddigging monsters that live among us. just ignore, block or delete. It’s really not that hard.