If you want me you can’t watch me…on your video phone

Mom, I suggest you stop reading here. There are some things in life you cannot un-see.

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Aight, you were warned. 3…..

2…..

1…..

P-E-E-N! Wonderful, wonderful peen! Ladies, have you noticed an influx of peen-centric photos coming to your cellular devices and email inboxes in recent years?  No pun intended. There’s an increased number of men wanting their junk out and into the world. If I was a vindictive chick I could’ve destroyed many lives but that’s simply not my style.  I am a lady who enjoys lady-things like lace gloves, white kittens in baskets……..and PEEN!

And then there’s Skype. In the 8 months I was on a POF hiatus, things have drastically changed in the online world. At first, it was exchanging email addresses. Then it moved to text messages or BBMs. I get if you’re in a relationship and you want FaceTime with your significant other, that’s a completely different animal. But now I get a “hey, wanna Skype” to “make sure you really are the girl in the photos.” REALLY?!  My photos are bathroom self-portraits, why the hell would I post those if I was trying to fool somebody.  Let’s just say, I fell for that line ONE TIME and was greeted by Little Jack Corn. NEVER AGAIN, MI SAY!  As I stated above for my mother (mom, you best not be reading this!!!), there are some things you just….can’t….un-see.  *single blink*

Ladies & gents, a word of warning – make sure you trust the guy/girl you’re sending your sausage and beans too. At the very least, don’t include your face. That’s a recipe for danger soup and I’m mad hungry.

P.S. Tomorrow begins my CAMPAIGN TO MEET DONALD GLOVER. He’s performing Saturday, March 24th and my goal is to meet him. Everything shall be explained in detail tomorrow and I will need ALL of your help. I’m serious, every friend will play a role so I hope you have some fun with this!

808s & Heartbreak

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**DISCLAIMER: If you’re honestly able to watch this video and not feel an emotion then you are the worst kind of Borg. This song/video rip my insides apart.**

February is coming to a close and what better way to end the month of love than with my ESSENTIAL PLAYLIST OF HEARTBREAK!

To give you a little back-up,  I’ve only had one boyfriend in my life, shocking I know! *single blink* It was THE roughest period of my life because I didn’t know who I was when that relationship ended. I lived for him. I was on Cloud 9 when he succeeded and suffered when he failed. I thought the only way to be a good girlfriend was to throw everything I was into his life because if he was happy, WE were happy. When it was finally over, I wasn’t gutted because I no longer had a boyfriend. No, no…we were the best of friends years prior to dating and knowing THAT was gone…whoooo boy, shattered everything I knew. Yes, I liked music before him but with him music was better.  I loved to eat before him, but eating with him was an adventure. I enjoyed to travel before him, but other countries and road trips were simply MORE with him. Yeah…it was that kind of love for me.

I use music in every situation of my life and I didn’t have a go-to collection of songs on an iPod to guide me through while I was in such bitter despair. I didn’t have a home anymore (he and I lived together) so my best friend and her family took me in without me even asking. This is the point when I stopped eating. I…….stopped eating. For those who don’t know, me not eating is like me….NOT EATING! I have always been a comfortable size 10 and I went down to a freakish size 0. Rest assured I wasn’t intentionally starving myself but I just didn’t have an appetite so I forgot to eat…every day…until I became a shadow. Once I got a side of beef into my trap a little over a month later, I vowed never to let anyone affect me to that point again. And that’s when my ESSENTIAL PLAYLIST OF HEARTBREAK was created and since then, with every spiral toward the darkness, I flip it on and go to town.

The key to my ESSENTIAL PLAYLIST OF HEARTBREAK is in choosing every song imaginable that will make me cry Niagara Falls from my eyeballs.  When my heart is torn out from potential relationships gone awry or opportunities in life that simply didn’t pan out; I don’t want to be consoled, I don’t want advice. I want to cry. I want to retreat from the world for a little while and cry heavy, juicy tears followed by thunderous, shoulder-bouncing sobs for as long as I can. The type of cries that get caught at the back of your throat because you are aggressively going at this like an Olympic event. I’m crying out the heartache, break and attack I feel I will suffer if I don’t do anything at all. I’m singing at the top of my lungs through tears and allowing the music to lift me up from the depths to which I fell. Dramatic? Of course! But do you expect anything less from me? I’m not suggesting this is the way for you or anyone to get over your specific burden, but this is what does it for me. I love every kind of music for a multitude of reasons and when it comes to heartbreak, I look for the lyrics. These people are saying everything I want to say…..perfectly. Within a day or two, the sun is shining a little brighter and the playlist is removed until I need to call upon it’s healing powers once more. So in no particular order, here is my ESSENTIAL PLAYLIST OF HEARTBREAK:

  1. “Ex-Factor” – Lauryn Hill – I had to start off strong, I told you this was the ESSENTIAL playlist.
  2. “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” – Boyz II Men
  3. “Wheel” – John Mayer – the essential lyric is, “I believe that my life’s gonna see the love I give returned to me.” Damn.
  4. “Ain’t No Sunshine” – Bill Withers
  5. “Life’s What You Make It” – Talk Talk -I tend to pretend I’m the drummer in this video, he’s got swag.
  6. “Stardust” – Nat King Cole
  7. “Dirty Man” – Joss Stone
  8. “Cookie Jar” – Jack Johnson
  9. “Why’d You Lie” – Colin James – Be aware this video is the “sexy version.” I don’t know what that means.
  10. “In Repair” – John Mayer <–the first verse is me and my insomnia in song.
  11. “All Falls Down” – Kanye West ft. Syleena Johnson
  12. “That Day” – In-Flight Safety
  13. “Warning Sign” – Coldplay
  14. “I’m Not Supposed To Love You Anymore” – Bryan White
  15. “Blown Wide Open” – Big Wreck
  16. “Gone To Ground” – Stirling
  17. “You Don’t Love Me” – The Philosopher Kings
  18. “Soul Suckers” – Amos Lee
  19. “I Would Die For You” – Jann Arden
  20. “Petals” – Mariah Carey – I STRONGLY SUGGEST THIS BLOODY SONG. Good Lord! And when you know the story behind the song it hits you that much harder. 
  21. “Fugitive Motel” – Elbow
  22. “Optimistic” – Radiohead
  23. Stranger In Moscow” – Michael Jackson – One of my favourite videos of all time and also one of my favourite MJ songs.
  24. “Slow Dancing In A Burning Room” – John Mayer
Now that I’ve basically handed you my kryptonite, please don’t play these on a whim because my tear ducts will not disappoint you. I will cry real tears in your face. Thanks in advance! 🙂

Every Step You Take…I’ll Be Watching You

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A little known fact about yours truly: I’ve dabbled, JUST A LITTLE BIT, in stalking. I’m not ashamed. And yes, my mother is aware.

I was forced, forced I tells ya, to watch a man in several commercials over the holidays. Shall we give him a nickname?  Let’s go with Triple C for “Christmas Commercial Crush.” It was unbelievable how much work this dude was getting. Like CityPulse (or Darrin Rose), he was EVERYWHERE. When I saw his commercials, I’d tweet about them. This went on for weeks and I didn’t think anything of it. One day I received a reply from a stranger and his tweet gave me all the information I needed to plant the stalking seed in my brain and soul. My new “friend” let me know his name, confirmed his single status and encouraged me to go for it. WHAT ELSE DID I NEED? I was going to stalk Triple C!

I began tamely with a few tweets directly to my objet d’amour whenever his commercials aired. I would mention how talented he was, that he is exactly the type of guy I should know, how anyone who worked this much must be a stellar part of society. I also tweeted how lucky his co-stars were, how funny he must be in real-life and how cute he was. And then in fear like magic, Triple C replied! Like a complete boss, I shamelessly flirted with my commercial crush. The world could see my crazy and I didn’t care. Eventually I suggested it would be in his everyone’s best interest to follow me so I could take my nonsense off the main Twitter timeline and into a more romantic and classy Direct Message string.

Let me just go on record and say, Triple C was simply humouring me. He was not interested. At all.

Several messages over weeks and weeks broke him down and he agreed to meet me for a drink. Resistance is and will forever be futile; I’d won. He said he was flattered since this never happened to him before. He was being modest and I didn’t believe him because every woman on earth has the same taste in men as I do. I know this for a fact. *single blink* We chatted into the wee hours and it was a lovely evening. I’d anticipated he would be everything I imagined him to be and he was that AND more. We said our ‘goodnights’ and we both separated knowing MY our lives were changed for the better.

Stalking is not for everyone. It takes perseverance, a complete lack of self-control and a little help from your friends or Twitter strangers, in my situation. Though my days of stalking (online or otherwise) are over, here are some words of wisdom if you decide to embark on your own hot-boy/funny guy mission: make sure you have the cute to back it up.  Thanks mom and dad for my genetics, it prevents police involvement 9 times out of 10.

Forgetchu

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An impromptu Sunday post because I’ve received so many messages about missing nicknames from Friday’s list.  Here are the honourable mentions of men past:

Shia – self-explanatory. His face favoured the Labeouf (except WAY hotter) therefore I was a big, dirty goblet of chocolate pudding under his power. Dammit!

The Breadmaker – first date, he decided to whip up some bread. From scratch. Made with the flour he milled. Nothing else he ever does will ever be more impressive than this.

Dutty S.C. – no story here. When push comes to shove, we just attach “Dutty” somewhere and the nickname is born. My cousin and I coined this one and it has stuck all these years later.

So congratulations, boys. You registered enough to make an appearance post-post. Feel special.

Happy Sunday, y’all!

Know When To Fold ‘Em

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I’ve equated my dating life thus far to a never-ending game of Blackjack with an old, garage-saled deck of cards.  Let me explain!

  • This battered deck has seen better days, its box is held together by Scotch tape, a rubber band and a prayer.
  • That card with ‘Basic Playing Instructions’ – well, that’s gone. So I really have no clue how to play (the idea seems straight forward but obviously some skill and finesse is required).
  • I do not have the time for BJ lessons! *single blink*  Ahem. Moving on…
  • There are no face cards in this deck.

But wait?! There are NO face cards in this deck!!! How in the HELL am I supposed to win a hand when the Kings have all been replaced with Jokers?

Just an "A"ri hoping for a "K"ing

The answer’s simple: for those willing to stay at the table, make up your own rules. For those like me, trash the Jokers and buhn the games.

Good luck.

How You Remind Me

**If you haven’t noticed, I use song titles to name every post. I also associate a song to go with each post – I hope you take the time to press play. This is the only time I’ve strongly suggested you to bookmark this page (if you’re reading from your phone) and have a listen when you’re in an environment to do so.**

Have we all seen this? In her own words, you’re getting her wrong if you think she hates black people. That’s not at all what we would think after reading her tweet rant. *single blink* This gyal is lucky she and I aren’t size**

I could really go in on what she said but this is not what this forum is for.  How this relates to today’s post is that after all the discussions I had about the aforementioned oxygen thief, the interwebs decided to disturb my Gmail and let me know where I should find the man for me. I’ve received this message a million times but today (shaking my head)…TODAY….was not the day.

Really?!?! Did y’all read every last word of that ad? My eyes rolled so hard and for so long at the testimonial: “…Don’t be afraid!”  Don’t be afraid to date outside your race? (WARNING: PLEASE BE AWARE YOU WILL NOW BE ASSAULTED WITH A FLURRY OF QUESTION MARKS!) As much hate as I felt from that idiot’s tweets earlier; seeing the complete opposite makes me feel ABSOLUTELY NO BETTER. This site is dedicated for white males seeking black women. Why does this exist? Why in the bloodclot do I need the world to “remind” me of the colour of my skin every, damn day? You can’t just like me ‘cuz I’m cool?  You can’t like me because I can bowl strike after strike? Because I’m funny? BECAUSE I’M PRETTY?!  BECAUSE I EXIST?!?!?!?!?  Why do I need to know about this secret group of admirers? Do people honestly believe this makes things easier? The fact there’s a target market for this just reinforces we haven’t progressed as much as anyone thinks we have.  The f*ck????  World, be better…this entire attitude is SO yesterday. I’m the first person to scream from the rooftops that I’ve dated and continue to date outside my race because I love up a man, you see!  Red, white, purple or green – if you’re fine, you’ve got my attention. Why the hell am I going to limit myself to one meal when there’s a buffet of all the foods of the world???  All jokes aside, I know who I am and where I’m from, so stop distributing outdated Cliff notes to those who should be thinned from the herd.

If there was a way for me to hack into this site and upload a music player – it would only play this song on repeat (lyrics below). Please press play: 

“Curious White Boy” – Cree Summer aka Freddie from “A Different World” aka the voice of Elmira from “Tiny Toons”

Politically erect
Romanticizing ’bout ancestral innocence
Conscience easin’ curiosity pleasin’
Slum teasin’

Lab rat is crude ego food
Ain’t no afro nor halo
Can pick that cotton out your conscience

Inside the petting zoo (was it good for you?)
Can’t hide me in dark night places (‘Cause in the spaces)
Curious is the luxury (to be wrong)
White, wrong, still belong
All my jungle’d come out

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

Another housekeeper fantasy
Afrodite
Coffee-colored remedy for your hangover from history

I know your daddy and your brother too well
And his friends made me swear i wouldn’t tell

Inside the petting zoo (was it good for you?)
Can’t hide me in dark night places (‘Cause in the spaces)
Curious is the luxury (to be wrong)
White, wrong, still belong
All my jungle’d come out

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

What you so mad about
Always gotta scream and shout
Find a difference point it out
Spread your legs, shut your mouth
My virginity hanging from your family tree

Why you so angry?
They just crowned Mammie Miss America

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

**This is a West Indian saying – it basically means that we’re not on the same level and respect who you’re talking to.  When you come correct, we can have an actual discussion.  So the next time someone steps to you with attitude; trying to talk down to you…look them up and down and simply say, “You and I are not size.”

Rude Bwoy

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I am not a violent person…anymore (we don’t discuss that time in my past).  BUT I think anyone who knows me would not deny that I’m abrasive.  I will Brillo the hell out of you and feel absolutely no way.  My beigest**cousin bought me a bracelet for my 30th birthday engraved with the word “RUDE” and I wear it erryday. Truer words have never been spoken.  So how do you think I reacted when a man I was seeing decided it was his business…….to check…..MY BlackBerry…..OUT OF CURIOSITY?!

Nuff said.

I was so close to throwing ‘bows in his face until he eventually resembled Eric Stoltz AS Rocky Dennis!

Roy "Rocky" Dennis

Here’s how things unfolded: he invited himself over for our second date where he would make me dinner (nachos). At one point, I excused myself from the kitchen to empty my bladder elsewhere.  I returned to find dinner in the oven and him relaxing on my couch.  I joined him in front of the TV and I noticed that intoxicating red light going off on my phone. It was on vibrate so I never heard it ring.  I had a missed call from the man sitting beside me.  The conversation was as follows:

Me: Did you call me?

Him: Uh…yeah.

Me: Hahaha – why? You’re already here. 

(Okay, now EFFING wait for it!!!!!)

Him: Well, I wanted to see how you stored me in your phone.

Me: *single blink multiplied by a roundhouse kick* Pardon?

Him: I didn’t know your phone was locked so I called it to see how you saved my name. But it says “Idiot McTrustbreaker”** so no worries. *his arm goes around my shoulders as he relaxes into the couch*

NO WORRIES?!?!  I will stab somebody.  Word to the wise, girls and boys, never EVER touch anyone else’s phone, purse, wallet, etc. until your place in their life is established.  Do you know what isn’t an established place in my life? The 2nd date where he infiltrated m’damn space and expected a chick like me to be dinner-satisfied with a plate of nachos with too many tomatoes! Tomatoes he tried to feed me as he cut them up…like this was a movie scene where I’m swooning over him making me dinner. THEY WERE ROTTEN!

Anyhow, where are the boundaries? What else did he look at/in while I was out of the room? I don’t have a hidden box of human index fingers; one from each man who crossed my path. Why couldn’t he just ask me if this was a legitimate concern – isn’t that common sense?  I have zero to hide and my trust in him didn’t just fade, it was damn near eclipsed by my anger.  This may seem petty or materialistic but this wouldn’t have made it to a blog post if he seemed a little bit sorry. Who tries to unlock someone’s phone? What about that plan seemed like a good idea? Even if he didn’t understand why I was upset, he should’ve just said, “my bad” and kept his arm to himself.

Needless to say, I let another potential life partner get away.

**I call my cousin “beige” because that’s the exact tone of her skin
**name has been changed to protect his identity

The winner of the date is…

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Alright, the time has come – so let’s keep this short & sweet!  Here are the date options one more time:

# 1 – good evening lovely how u doing
just a bless ur page,hoping i can get 2 know u on a friend vibe, then if things good maybe we link
so hows ur weekend going,hope i hear bck fr u
bless

#2 – I feel like u took my heart and set it on fire and now my love forever burns for you

#3 – I came across your profile and you seem like a really sweet girl. I was thinking we could hang out have some wine and get to know each other better…I will also spoil you with a nice foot massage ;)

#4 – Hi sweetheart very nice to meet you. I’m Russian background. I love what I see. I would love to know you better. I think look beautiful

#5 – hi

After tallying the comments (posted and private), #5 was the resounding winner.  His simple approach seemed to resonate with most of you.

AND THE WINNER IS….

Not one f*ckin’ one. I saved all five of these initial messages to remind me of my moments of weakness where I pursued each and everyone of these shiny beacons of awesomeness. They ALL went silent.  Physically, none of these guys were my “type” but I figured I needed to get out of my own way and see what else this city has to offer.  I mean, if these guys wrote me, they were obviously interested in me…RIGHT?!  NO!  Not the case. It’s funny how my “online” dating life can mimic my “real” life.

Thanks for playing.

I Think I’m Gonna Marry You

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Which of these fine opening lines won me over and got me to accept a date?  All of these were the FIRST messages sent from each potential suitor. Don’t be jealous. I think who I chose will surprise you.  I will reveal on Monday, so leave your guesses in the comments!

# 1 – good evening lovely how u doing
just a bless ur page,hoping i can get 2 know u on a friend vibe, then if things good maybe we link
so hows ur weekend going,hope i hear bck fr u
bless

#2 – I feel like u took my heart and set it on fire and now my love forever burns for you

#3 – I came across your profile and you seem like a really sweet girl. I was thinking we could hang out have some wine and get to know each other better…I will also spoil you with a nice foot massage 😉

#4 – Hi sweetheart very nice to meet you. I’m Russian background. I love what I see. I would love to know you better. I think look beautiful

#5 – hi

*single blink*

Sigh.

Rock You!

Picture this: Bloor & Bathurst. Summer of 2010 (I think.)

I had agreed to meet up with a Plenty of Fish date and it just so happened to be on the day of a blackout.  Temperatures soared and not much was happening on the Bloor strip.  He was coming from Spadina and I was coming from Bathurst so we decided to walk on the same side of the street until we met in the middle.  When I hit Spadina, and I was still by my damn self, *single blink* I decided to give him a little ringy-ding on the ol’ Smartphone to see where he was.  Lo and behold he was at Bathurst.  Obviously this date was starting out as any girl would hope.

I’m black (did you know this?), so my skin is an instant conductor of heat. Put me in a non-breathable material, walking directly inna the sun, up and down the street, WITH a weave in my head and what do you get? You get a Suntot. Yes, from the Smoggies!  Needless to say, we agreed to meet in front of the only bar that seemed to be serving during this blackout/heat attack.  (Now, normally I would describe what he looked like and how I felt the first time we looked at each other and all of that first impression jazz.  You will realize why this makes NO difference by the conclusion of this fantastic tale.)

This is me when I'm overheated during the weave months.

Now,  here’s how it all went down:

  • We walk in together as he asks me if I’d like a drink (20 seconds)
  • Using my weave as a Sham-wow across my brow, I let him know a cold drink would be the best idea in the world.  (5 seconds)
  • I order a gin & tonic, he orders WHO THE HELL CARES (7 seconds)
  • Bartender turns around to make the drinks (2 seconds)
  • He huddles close to me and with the straightest of faces and the foulest of breaths says, “So…we should play rock, paper, scissors for first round, ya?” (5 seconds)
  • I chuckle and playfully touch him on the shoulder (1 second)
  • He huddles even closer to my face, eyes darting to the bartender who is still preparing the drinks, “Ya???” (0.5 seconds)
  • Bartender brings the drinks back to us and asks “together or separate?,” I glance at the drinks and at his hand already in “rock” position – ready to throw down (5-7 seconds)
  • I smile and say to him, “Don’t even worry about.”  Left a $10 bill on the bar and walked out (THE SPEED OF LIGHT)
Now, let me be perfectly clear. I never expect anyone to pay for anything I ever do. But seriously, dude…you can’t even suggest going dutch? He didn’t even have the audacity to chuckle a little bit after asking. I was actually going to offer to pay for the drinks which is the completely messed up part.  But the huddling, the closeness, the breath, my weave…Calgon, take me as far away as you can on your wings of glory. All in all, the entire situation that lasted less than 5 minutes just struck me the wrong way.  I didn’t even want to know any more about him. I’m sure he’s a sweet guy and I may have let my soulmate get away over a badly-timed RPS challenge. I’ve been to the Rock|Paper|Scissors Championships – I WILL END YOU. I just couldn’t shake the red alert that blared in my ears because I’ve been in this position before. Hundreds of dollars later, I’m broke and the man’s belly is full. Not on my watch. So I guess if you’re looking for a couple of free drinks, ask me out in a heatwave and then challenge me to a push-up contest.  I’ll probably leave you my credit card.
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