Wifey

Please press play: 

An excerpt from a POF message I received yesterday:

“…real beautiful looks like you fit the wifey type but does ya personality add up to be the same as ya looks ?”

There was a certain bravado emanating from the whole message, plus if I could share his photo with you, you’d see something with this graphic effect:

My only response, because I HAD to respond, could be summed up like this:

…because obviously, I’m totally interested and this chemistry we’ve got going on is everything I never knew I wanted. *single blink* 

Into The Void

Please press play: 

Guys, I should be happy. Over the moon actually, but for some reason, I’m finding zero solace in this new information about my online dating life. Let me explain (this won’t take long at all).

The majority of messages I’m receiving online are not to get to know me more but to let me know I shouldn’t be on the site because “there’s no way I have trouble dating.”

The majority of non-verbal feedback I’m receiving from IRL fellas is they aren’t interested in me for one reason or another. Like I said, a conversation never occurs because they don’t speak to me on the most part.

*single blink*

So what kind of fresh hell is this? I’m too much for online but not much enough for real-life? Where the hell am I supposed to find the happy medium? *licks tip of pen and begins letters to prison inmates*

Dear Big Daddy…

Highway To Hell

Please press play: 

I hope y’all got caught up and if not, I’m sorry you’ll have to endure these Mondays. Just ignore Mondays for the next few weeks but read the other days. Thank you!

Get to know Dave Annable (“Henry”). You’re welcome.

It starts off on Hallowe’en night in 1929, the man who appeared from the smoke is alive and in The Drake. And we find out the little girl who’s been trailing Jane is HIS daughter. What the what?! His name is Peter, he basically made a blanketed threat to his wife saying “In heaven, she’ll be truly happy” and then his left eye started jumpin’ jumpin’ like Destiny’s Child. His wife finds their daughter under the bed and she’s bleeding from above the neck. Sooooooo everyone’s been haunted forever it seems.

Henry’s heroic turn at saving his two-faced boss has landed him in the spotlight. This will obviously be bad for Jane considering the interviewer told all of NY that he’s the most eligible bachelor after Derek Jeter.

Brian is one of the tenants at The Drake. He’s a playwright and he had kissy-kissy times with the girl in the apartment next door (Alexis). She’s been teasing him through the window while he worked and he finally allowed her to kiss him. LORD KNOWS WHY! Now Brian’s wife, who was basically eaten by The Drake’s elevator two episodes ago, is getting her belly rubbed by a doctor in the building and Brian walked in on it.  He was cool but it looked hella suspicious. Lou (his wife) is trying to set the doctor up with the scandalous next door neighbour but I have a feeling things are not what it seems as they NEVER are on this show. Please also note that Lou is becoming a serious drug addict – I almost thought she was going to Whitney in the bathtub.

My crush of Terry O’Quinn knows no bounds, and I really hope he’s the devil in this show. I actually don’t want him to ever get caught with what he’s doing but he just received a text message saying he’s going to pay for everything he’s done. The person who sent him this text tried to take out Olivia (his wife played by Vanessa Williams) with an SUV on the street. Lawd – someone’s got his number literally and figuratively. I don’t know who would try to best the devil, but you must be hella evil to do this.

EEEEEK! Smoke man just got in the elevator with Jane and Henry (she’s dressed like a Tippi Hedren from “The Birds” and Henry’s a sheriff). We’re now getting somewhere because Jane’s necklace she loves so much, was her grandmother’s. It’s the same necklace, the dying mother gave the little girl back in 1929! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Also this doorman, Erik, works my last nerve. There’s nothing right about him and Gavin (Terry O’Quinn) is now asking him to stick close to his wife because she’s the most “valuable thing” he owns.

After a spilled drink on her costume, Jane heads back to her place to change into something new. The little girl who’s been haunting her let her know the man got out. The man is Peter Cramer. The same man she met in the elevator. The same man who was in the elevator in 1929. The same man who is behind her with a hatchet!!!!!!!!!! (Only 26 minutes in and I’m losing my mind!)

What the? Olivia took some  party goers to 5F, apparently that’s where this Peter Kramer dude lived and killed his wife. I guess it’s a Hallowe’en tradition, when she turned around she was sprayed in the face by some dude in a mask but I have a sneaky, EFFING suspicion that person was Erik the doorman.

Peter Kramer has Jane in his clutches. She fought him and was able to get out of the apartment at the same time all the power went out in The Drake. She ran into someone in the hallway and borrowed his phone to call the police (I’m also very surprised she didn’t hesitate to do so), but as she made the call, Peter axed the f*ck out of the guy whose phone she borrowed! So yeah…he’s dead and bleeding all out onto the carpets. When did ghosts kill people in their wake?! Don’t they have a focus and only go after them? These rules have all gone to hell.  Now we have the temptress Alexis still at the party with Brian (and she stole the doctor’s phone for some reason – maybe for blackmail???), Olivia’s been gassed and knocked out, Lou and the doctor are stuck in the elevator because of the power outage, Henry is being harassed by a PR gal who has been stalking him since his appearance on TV and Jane is running away from a ghost with an hatchet.  Who knows what happened to the poor asian woman Olivia told to go into 5F but she is not my concern!!!

This crazy man is calling Gavin saying he has his wife but let me tell you, it sounds EXACTLY like Erik but Erik walked up to him while he was on the phone. Could it be a recorded message? And now we know why Alexis stole the doctor’s phone, she just sent a text to Louise’s phone saying “MEET UPSTAIRS. WANT U NOW.” So the temptress sent Brian upstairs (he took the stairs obviously, right) and now he’s going to find her phone and see the message. B!tch!

I have no idea how Jane got into the bellies of this hotel and why these are the places she felt to run but here we are. The ghost, still fully acting like an alive human, is chasing her and opening doors and holding hatchets. He manifested out of smoke, you’re telling me he can’t pass through a damn wall? Something is not right about this. I mean, other than the fact that we’re talking about devil incarnates, ghosts and demons mixed with modern day life.

So somehow Erik has been strangled and Gavin found him in time to save him but the mask is in Gavin’s safe. I just said this two lines ago but SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT, GUYS?! Erik is this masked man and somehow he’s supernatural and is able to be in two places at once. I’m sure of this! Only 15 minutes left and I know I’m going to be screaming like a banshee when I’m left with more questions!

Back from commercial and Gavin finds Olivia on their balcony, she awakes after a forehead kiss. Oh Terry O’Quinn, you sly devil (I love you.) Olivia doesn’t remember anything, obviously.  We’re back in the elevator with Lou and the doctor, he discovered she’s hooked on drugs as they have a sit down. The doctor tried to kiss her!!!!!!  She pushed him away though and was said she loves her husband but Brian is going to head back down to the party and take his cue from the text message he saw and he’s going to full-out, full-on sleep with Alexis. This was ALWAYS her plan. AAAAAAAAAAH!

Okay, Peter Kramer has found Jane and his eye is still jumping. He hatchets the wall and birds fly out of the hole and attack him. This happened to Jane in the second episode! Why is his eye vibrating always? It’s one of the grossest effects I’ve seen on network television. Yuck.

Jane is with the police now giving her statement and she can’t give a description since she’d be describing a ghost. Lou and the doctor exit the elevator now that the power is back up and Brian decks the doctor and storms off, Alexis’ plan is working perfectly. Gavin is talking to his wife’s kidnapper and convincing him to return the box that was stolen from his safe. I’m assuming whatever was stolen has to do with his power. The hotel swallowed all of the evidence – the hatchet and the dead body. I don’t even understand what is going to happen from here but everyone’s lives are messed. Mark my words, every last person is about to have a bigger problem.

Phew! That was a good one. Back to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

Sympathy For The Devil

Please press play & turn your volume up – let’s jam!!!: 

Alright, until the end of this show’s season, Mondays are dedicated to my reviews of the new show 666 Park Avenue. Guys, I am OBSESSED with this frickin’ show. Have you seen it?!?!?!?!?!?  It’s only four episodes in, if you live in Canada you can watch all four full episodes on the CityTv site. Okay – here’s the show synopsis as per IMDB:

If you could make one wish, what would it be? And what would you do to get it? At 666 Park Avenue, all of your dreams and burning desires can come true: wealth, sex, love, power, even revenge. But just be careful what you wish for, because the price you pay… could be your soul. Welcome to The Drake, the premiere apartment building on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Owned by the mysterious Gavin Doran (Terry O’Quinn – Lost) and his sexy wife Olivia (Vanessa Williams – Desperate Housewives), The Drake is home to dozens of residents who are unaware they’re living in the dark embrace of supernatural forces. They think their dreams are all coming true, only to find they’ve been lured into making, what feels like, a deal with the Devil. When a young Mid-western couple – Jane Van Veen (Rachael Taylor – Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy) and Henry Martin (Dave Annable – Brothers & Sisters) – is hired to manage The Drake, they soon discover that evil, obsession, and manipulation has a home.

This is Jane & Henry – they are beautiful and at the the center of this madness. Get to know them.

Now, a bunch of things have happened with some secondary characters and which you will find out but I’m going to start these reviews with Episode #5 because that’s how I do and I hope someone out there tunes in so we can have some discussions because DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DAMN, the show is hot! Here’s some things you need to pay attention to:

The fineness that is Terry O’Quinn. He is an older gentleman but ladies and gents, he has a sexiness that will not quit. He plays Gavin Doran (the owner of The Drake) and is he evil? Is he Satan? What’s his deal? How does he make these things happen?

Ms. Vanessa Williams plays his wife, Olivia. Oh yessir, yes ma’am – we’ve got an older interracial, wealthy couple doing the damn thing on network tv, so you know I’m ’bout it-’bout it. I’m basically pretending I’m always Olivia and you’ll see why when you see her clothing and the way she side-eyes like the Creator of suspicion. Love her to bits.

Rachael Taylor, plays Jane Van Der Veen & Dave Annable plays her  boyfriend, Henry. He’s so beautiful and a totally stand-up guy and just wants to get into politics. There’s a lot going on there and I will not spoil it in case you do actually tune in. Anyways, Gavin is totally testing them for some reason but there’s nothing but supernatural, make-you-jump-then-laugh-at-yourself bidness going on all over The Drake. Rachael is not working but she has all these degrees in historical architecture and she really takes a shine to restoring The Drake. She finds a secret room, things go bump in the night and you’ll legitimately get a little fright from time to time. But trust me, it’s totally worth.

Now, Jane has found this suitcase in the hidden room (that was OBVIOUSLY blocked for a reason) and lord knows why the hell she kept this evil thing in her home but now the black smoke that came out of it has manifested itself into some man in a suit that’s standing at the end of her bed and sh!t’s about to get really real. Why do these crazy white folk always disturb the undead and get surprised when evil overtakes them? *single blink* Stop. Searching. For. Answers. And. Run. Away. Oh, Hollywood…you make me happy!

Episode #5  will air on Sunday, October 28, 2012, that’s this coming Sunday so catch the hell up because Monday, I’m taking y’all to school.  Make it a build-up to your Hallowe’en weekend!

EEEEEEK! I’m so excited for you guys to be a part of this. And if you aren’t – sucks to be you.

(Why) Don’t You Want Me

Please press play: 

Oh, that’s right. Because I want kids someday. SMH. Read on…

RECEIVED ON POF TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2012

“You are awesome. I am forty – that’s nearly a decade (oh god) older than you (which is obviously no problem for me – in fact, it is quite spectacular but on your end a decade) and I don’t want kids so no fit. But you caught my eye. Then, of course, checked you out and you are just awesome. Every funky detail.Not only did I want to meet you but I actually felt a jolt of joy in seeing the joy you possess in your photos and I like everything about your profile so I thought I would drop you a line anyway. Not to flirt (but I imagine you must be great at flirting and bantering) but just to tell you – well, as I said, you come across like awesome sauce. 

Per your profile – a roadtrip with a purpose is a trip to go see your parents. All roadtrips should be just because. hell, everything shoud be. 

Love the skynyrd vest.

Anyway awesome sauce (that’s your new name), never stop smiling (even at funerals – it’s that good of a smile), never wear long skirts – even in winter (it would be wrong with those legs), and don’t ever lose that joy that radiates from you. 
Good luck.”

While I completely agree I would not be suitable for someone who doesn’t see children in his future…COME ON!!! Imagine, me…little ol’ date-and-love-challenged me, receiving this message from a boy without the “no kids” part. Whatta concept!!! Can’t I just have that? This dude is handsome, can string a sentence together and can see the “joy that radiates from” me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s his loss. I got it.

I’m over it.

*single blink*

**IMPORTANT REMINDER**Tomorrow, I’ll be attending 25Dates.com’s RED, HOT & BLUE charity speed-dating event. The official hashtag is #RedHotBlue and you can follow me on Twitter (@bettykiss) ‘cuz I’ll be tweeting the whole thing!

The Reflex

Please press play: 

MOM, STOP READING. THANKS.

.Waiting for mommy to log out.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Friends, we’re going hardcore. I have some questions for you.

Wikipedia defines fellatio as an act of oral stimulation of a male’s penis by a sexual partner. It’s just us…so let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about the fine art of fellatio. Do you do this? Do you like it? Do you…hate it? I am the last to say it ain’t hard work but how does every straight woman/gay male NOT enjoy this?

I’m shocked at the amount of peeps who say they either don’t do it or they do but they hate it. I want to slap them twice in the face for being so nuts. I mean, you have to seriously be at nut capacity if you’re willing to bypass having more in your life (and mouth). Do you have a weak gag reflex? Is that it?

Obviously this is too much information (do you expect less from me?) but I HEEEEEEEEELLA love it. I absolutely love it. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a G.R. I know a lot of it is a power trip; knowing that whatever it is that I’m doing is making him make those sounds. Get guttural, man!!!  Basically, if I can make a man convulse I will literally stop and pat myself on the back before I call any emergency services to help him out. Real talk. I deserve my own dyam* props.

Okay, when you’re with someone for the first time you don’t know what his situation is: what did he eat today? Asparagus? Cabbage?  Does he smoke? Should I have offered him a pineapple juice before we got bizzay ‘cuz I’m not about no jizz saltines. *single blink*

OH YEAH! That brings me to another thing: spit or swallow? Why do you spit? It’s already in there. I think it would make me more sick to have to spit it out again. That would activate so many involuntary gags. EWWWWW!  And then where to spit it? On him? In your hand? Run to the bathroom like a bat out of hell? I mean, if a man goes down on you (this one’s for the ladies) and the second you’ve climaxed he jumps up and you hear him gargling in the bathroom, wouldn’t you feel ways? I would!

This post is full of questions but I’m SURRIOUSLY curious. I just thought in these hard times of so much negativity and devastation, we could all find solace in sucking some peen. So tell me folks, to blow or not to blow – that is my question!

*Dyam is the patois version of “Damn.”

The Call

Please press play (Note: Basically every vowel sung in this song has been changed to the letter “A”): 

Boo·ty call (noun): ˈbü-tēˈkȯl – A clandestine or casual meeting to indulge sexual urges, devoid of any meaningful social engagement. Typically occurring between the hours of 12-4am, subsequent to one party becoming inebriated or failing to secure relations with a more appealing partner(s).

Listen, I had an entire post written and ready for post. It was witty, it had so many quotables, it would’ve hit you deep in your core. Even though I repeatedly save it, it disappeared like the men in my life. And also like the relationships of my past, it could not be recovered. SIGH! I wasn’t feeling this post anyway, for obvious reasons, and I’m damn well not going to write it again. So here is the Cliff Notes version of all you need to know:

  • 1st date = chemistry like whoa (yes!)
  • 2nd date= he makes me breakfast with several strips of bacon (dreamweaver!)
  • 3rd date = immediately platonic (wha???)
  • 4th date = never happens, my calls/messages are ignored
  • All communication to make “plans” from here on out are received from a drunken him after the midnight hour

I hate booty calls. I always have. I tried to convince myself that I could adjust to this casual way of going about life and I can’t. So to all you ladies and gents who live and die by the call de booty, more power to you. To everyone else, stop showing up at my home. Stop texting me at 2am. Your late-calling P is not worthy of my bed-rested V.

What I wrote before was really good, guys. I think you really would’ve loved it. I’m devastated I have to leave you with this lacklusterness.  But I’m angry I had to turn peen away and I’m angry that peen doesn’t want me in the daytime too. I’M ASKING FOR TOO MUCH IN THIS LIFE!  Anyway, I’ll make up for it, I promise. This doesn’t even deserve a blink.

I Love A Man In Uniform

Please press play: 

I’m very excited to announce I’ll be covering 25Dates.com‘s RED, HOT & BLUE charity speed-dating event on Thursday, October 25th. Let me break down what makes this speed-dating event a little more special: other than this being a fundraising event for an amazing charity, these 20 lucky ladies will be going on 20 mini-dates with…wait for it….WAIT FOR IT…..TORONTO FIREFIGHTERS AND POLICE OFFICERS!!! Oh yes, 20 dates with 20 men trained to protect…and serve. Unfortunately, it’s against union rules for the gents to be in uniform but the union doesn’t rule my mindgrapes, do they? This is such a step up from 911 Wednesdays at Crocodile Rock and do not pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. *single blink* 

The proceeds from the event are going to The Hospital for Sick Children (SickKids) in Toronto. “We’re always looking to give back to charities that would be complimented by one of our events,” says Ragna Stamm’ler, the Founder and President of 25Dates.com. She also says after having her own child, she feels for children and the parents of sick children more than ever. This is the fourth fundraiser of its kind and judging from previous events, women can expect a fun night with a lot of good chemistry.

I am a veteran of speed-dating, obviously, and have been to several 25Dates.com events so let me explain how a typical night will play out:

All participants are given match cards at the beginning and they have THREE MINUTES to ask their best questions and discover as much as they can about each other in the allotted time. At the three minute mark, a bell will sound, each person will secretly write a “yes” or a “no” on the match card and the men will move to the next table while the women stay where they are. At the end of the night, the match cards are collected and the results are emailed to each participant two days later. After that, it’s up to the individuals to connect with their matches (if any) and take the next steps. Easy, breezy, dating-speedzy. It’s really surprisingly harmless and if you go in with a good attitude and no expectation, you cannot have a bad night.

If your dating life is anything like mine then you’re tired of the online dating scene. You also don’t have it in you, physically or financially, to “put yourself out there” every night of the week. Maybe this is a great option for you. You can meet several men in one night, which means one shower, one makeup application and one stellar outfit! And no other speed-dating service offers the same deal as 25Dates.com; if you don’t make a match at your event, you can sign up for a future event absolutely free! So I take your side-eye and I dash it in the garbage like that gross ball of hardened lotion that always appears on the tip of the nozzle and has no purpose in life. Where’s the risk? Oh, and did I mention that Ragna met her husband at a 25Dates.com event? I implore you to read her story – it simply proves you can find love in unexpected places and ways IF you’re open to it.

While I don’t get to participate in this sold-out event (the world would damn near end if that happened), I will get to be a fly on the wall and report back to you on all the fun goings-ons of the night! And you best believe my outfit will be turnt up, I might get some firefighter leftovers.

IMAGINE?!?!?

RED, HOT & BLUE takes place Thurs. Oct. 25th at Fionn MacCool’s. My one week countdown begins today. Stay tuned to my tweets (@Bettykiss) over the next week and I’ll let you know the official hashtag for the night and you can follow my play-by-play at the event.

Fame!

Please press play: 

STORYTIME TUESDAY

“FAME: AS TOLD IN A SERIES OF BLANCHE DEVEREAUX GIFS”

On most Saturday nights, I turn to myself in the mirror and say:

But one Saturday out of every month, I get dolled up to work the door at an LGBT-friendly dance party because:

JJs.* While these men don’t want me, they make me feel like a queen. It does wonders for my self-esteem! So this past weekend I worked, danced and posed for some photos before I high-tailed it to the Bovine Sex Club.  My favourite band was playing a 2AM show and I didn’t want to miss it. I was in my fur, a purple titmiddles™-exposing dress and my new hair. I was feeling good, I was feeling right and tight.

I arrived at the bar just before the band took the stage, so I shimmied my way through the crowd when I found myself chest-to-titmiddles™ with a strapping man. Neither of us could move any further, so he took a step back and said, “After you.” I almost heard a “m’lady” but it was all in my head. I flashed my smile, thanked him and swooned on by. Please understand this scenario with the same man happened thrice more that night. THRICE!

I do, Dorothy. I do.

I figured this was my night. This was a sign. I’m going to make my move. I mean, it’s been so long since I’ve had a real-life encounter with a beautiful man. A beautiful man with manners and style. A beautiful man with manners, style and a chest that would not quit!!!

The band finished their set and I scoured the scene for Chester McMannerson (that’s just the name we’ll go with) when a mohawked man approached me. I didn’t even notice him as I sipped my cider until he backed up and asked: “Do you ever have a hard time hiding when you’re famous?”

Well, he got my attention because what the hell did he just ask me? So I say, “Excuse me?” He repeated himself: “Do you ever have a hard time hiding when you’re famous?” I chuckled, took a more calculated sip of my drink and shook my head. So he continued because my body language was obviously telling him to. *single blink* 

Mohawk: “Everyone is recognizing me and I just want to have a good time.”

Me: “At least people know who you are? But I’m not one of them.” *cider sip, look away*

Mohawk: “I’m the bassist in <insert Canadian band name here>. Can you help me hide?”

Me: “Computer says no.”

Mohawk: “Huh?”

Me:

Somehow I escaped to an unoccupied wall near the back and saw Chester behind the bar. He totally worked there!!! Alright, this was perfect. I would chug the rest of my drink and order another and be charmingly cute and everything would come up Milhouse. I wouldn’t be like a million other girls in this bar who probably hit on him all the time. I’d be different and he’d see that. And…and…where’d he go?!  Sigh.

I didn’t realize I was standing directly across from the washrooms, the male traffic was out of hand and I felt right at home. Again, someone I didn’t notice the first time passed me by, backed up and began a conversation. The difference was this dude was super cute and didn’t give me a creepy vibe at all. So…why not, right? I gave him my patented smile and engaged him in conversation. My body said: “I’m interested in what you’re saying” but my eyes said:

“I will lick you up and to completion!”

Oh HELLS naw!!! Mohawk was back? For reals? The new boy gave me a look like “who is that?” I leaned in and told him that he played in <insert band name here> and he was so very tired of people recognizing him when he just wanted to remain incognito. I ended this statement with the hardest eye roll I’ve ever done (I still haven’t found my contact lens). I felt a tap on my shoulder:

New boy dove in to save the day and told Mohawk it was cool he played in a band and liked some of his songs. Mohawk responded with: “Do you like the song “F*ck Right Off?”  New boy was not impressed, words were exchanged and new boy wished me luck AND WALKED AWAY. I took off for new boy when Mohawk grabbed my arm and asked if that was my man. I shook his hand off and read him the riot act. He responded: “So…you don’t have a man? That’s a shame – you’re black and beautiful.”

The rest of the night does not make a difference because Chester never showed his face again and new boy never resurfaced. What I can tell you is this comedy of errors will result in a very definite future for yours truly:

*JJs = Just Jokes