I Could Never Be Your Woman

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Some time in late January of 1981, my parents did stuff that spawned me nine months later. When I came out…GOOD LORD, I was black just like them. Cut to two thousand-f*cking-twelve and what I’m about to share with you is full disclosure. You know I’m all up in the online dating world. There are certain times when I’m feeling completely haunted and decide to hear one of these horrible people out – I lead them into a conversation I know will end badly but I just want to see what they’ll say. Call it curiosity, call it boredom.

Here’s my Plenty of Fish “about me” write-up:

“Hello boys! I’m excitable, talkative, sometimes crazy..but you know, in that cute way. Um…what else can I say that has not been said? Nothing. I’m on this site for one reason and one reason only, to discover/be discovered by a man who makes this site unnecessary in my life. Unfortunately with crazy work hours and my own business on the side, I have little time to be as social as I think I need to be to meet someone new. I want you to watch cartoons with me, I want to sleep-in with you, I want to eat copious amounts of bacon with syrup as a snack WITHOUT judgement, you let me wear your dress shirts around the house because it’s better and sexier than any nightgown I may own. 

If you’re someone with a fetish or simply looking for sex, I’m not your girl but I wish you luck. I don’t look down on you for it, it’s just not what I’m about. I do not discriminate against race, so don’t even bring that up either (it’s a turn-off). I’m just a girl looking for a guy to know. A guy to hold hands with, to makeout with and watch sports with.  *WARNING* Don’t be alarmed when you fall for me immediately, it’s no one’s fault”

Now on to the string of messages that made me laugh, then cry, then scream:

                HIM – hi ever been with a white male
  ME – Yup.
  ME – Hahaha I’m assuming you didn’t get through my entire profile to the part of “race.”
  HIM- nice. did u like or
  ME – Did I like? Like what? Men are men.
  HIM – no i did not get to that part in your profile. i have heard diferent things about men
  ME – I see. I guess you could school me more than I could school you. 🙂
  HIM – i do not understand your schooling lesson
  ME –  The point is there isn’t one. I don’t know the differences you speak of but you’re telling me you’ve heard things. So, I’m assuming you can tell me more about the differences in different men than I can.
  HIM – i heard black guys have very large dicks
  ME – I’ve never been with a black man. I have no idea if that’s true.
  HIM -i c. have u only been with white males
  ME – No, not at all., I’ve just never been with a black man. I don’t attract them on the most part. I grew up in a multicultural neighbourhood and school, so I never really noticed any differences. Never been a thing I thought about. Of course, until I begun online dating and that’s the only thing I hear about…haha. But what can you do? Men are going to be curious.
  HIM – k. so which race would say is the best
ME – What about this are you not getting? I don’t live my life or base any potential relationships based on a race I find better than the other. I am black. That would be slightly ironic, wouldn’t it? I think men who are witty and passionate and tall and ambitious and have a great appetite are who I’m drawn to the most. The colour of their skin does not ever play a factor. Ever.

Good luck on your search – knowing that you didn’t read my profile is kind of disheartening. That’s the whole point of the site. And if you did, you’d understand why this whole conversation has left me disappointed. Take care, you’re a super cute guy. I’m sure you don’t me to wish you luck.
The ‘race war’ conversations I’ve been in lately have been far too frequent. Hell, the fact that ‘race wars’ are still a thing is beyond shocking! What it comes down to (I sound like a broken record – AND I DON’T MEAN BECAUSE VINYL IS BLACK) is this guy didn’t write me because he’s interested in me, the person. This man, this Jacques Cousteau of race relations, wanted to deep dive into the things he’s heard about “the others.” Obviously as a black, I can clear up any and all questions he might have about all blacks and any other race because each race is the same unto their own, right?! GUYS, there are people in this world who walk around with this man’s mentality! They think one race has to be better or worse than another just because. Liiiiiiiiiiike, think about that for a second. Even if you’ve never experienced any form of racism in your life, but you have a brain cell, this needs to blow that single cell right from your skull. This guy’s black so he’s hung like three loads of last night’s coloured laundry and well, that makes him better than the whites. Must. *single blink* HOW IS THIS LOGICAL THOUGHT?!
Last time I checked I had a beautiful glass container in my bathroom full of cotton balls I didn’t pick m’damn self in a field. This signifies that times have changed. World, be better.

Try A Little Tenderness

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My body has a defect. Not my two front IKEA-built teeth nor the starting-from-behind-the-neck butt crack. My whole life is an elaborate ruse. Please let me explain:

About six years ago, I decided to get a labret piercing because I thought they were adorable. I still do…on me. For many years I wore a spike because I’m rebel, see! I was super duper edgy. Then eventually I smartened up and settled on a cute, little stud that only shows itself at the cutest times during the cutest hours of the day. It’s the only piercing I’ve never thought of removing.  So I think I’ve established how much I enjoy this thing.  Let’s get on with the tale:

I understand the mega-treat it must be to have an opportunity to kiss me in your lifetime (sarcasm). I mean I have a visible upper and lower lip (for the antithesis please Google search ‘Dana Carvey’ or ‘Reba McEntire.’ I also think they’re the same person, but that conspiracy theory is for another day *single blink*).  So I went on a date with this guy, he was aight, yadda yadda yadda, the date ended with a kiss. I don’t know why I did, I knew I wasn’t going to see him again but hell, I didn’t hate him. I figured it would be harmless.

Captain Kirk knows the deal!

I use the term “kiss” very loosely because his excitement got the best of him and he basically Dyson’d my lower lip into his mouth which consequently pulled the piercing from where it lived on my face through the back of my lip. Punctuation was not going to interrupt that description – trust, the run-on sentence was not lost on this gal.  I’ve been pierced so I know how a sleek, sterile needle feels puncturing my skin. However, I will never be able to fully explain the pain of the actual PIERCING ripping through the other side of my mouth.  Needless to say, I punched him in the centre of his chest (unintentional reaction), stuck my hand in his mouth to retrieve the stud and said I think I should go home as I felt my fingers getting sticky from the blood pouring out of my mouth.

Kissing is probably my favourite thing to do with a boy who’s trying to court me (I read A LOT of romance novels). Simply stated, I’d rather find out sooner than later if you can or can’t kiss me to the standard I’ve set.  I don’t have time to waste – you’re in or you’re out, dude. Over the years, there have been some who’ve passed with broad stripes and bright stars, while others have fallen victim to being repeat stud-sucking offenders. (If you haven’t figured it out, the extenda-hole in my lip is the defect because of Dyson).  I’ve changed to a larger stud but don’t want to go any bigger because the others are ugly.  Due to vanity, I now have to ‘Cirque du Soleil’ my lip IF it ever gets to that point of the date because men these days kiss like they’ve been practicing on a wall since the age of 10.

Future Boyfriend, heed my typed-written warnings and please tek time** and try a little tenderness.

**Tek time – patois for “Take your time” (use it in a sentence today)

A Whole New World

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A new fantastic point of view.  A new site, a new list of possibilities.  Join me on my journey through… *whispers*

…ELIGON 

During a girl’s night in, a friend of mine told me about Eligon. I’d never heard of it and I consider myself a veteran of the internet dating world. Obviously my next steps were to sign right up and try it out. It’s a paid site but you can use it free for 30 days, so what’s there to lose.  A description of Eligon by Eligon:

Eligon is an exclusive online dating community for busy professionals seeking like minded partners. Our advanced Compatibility Formula, matching process, and screening techniques ensure Eligon is a safe, comfortable and enjoyable online dating environment. Based in Toronto, Ontario, Eligon is an exclusive online dating community connecting busy professionals all across Canada.

Exclusivity

  • Eligon was created exclusively for professionals and executives to connect with those of a similar mindset and value system. Prospective members must first apply by filling out a quick Professional Background questionnaire, and are then only accepted when information is screened and verified.
Privacy
  • Privacy is of the utmost importance at Eligon. Profiles are not available to the general public and are only seen by compatible, screened and validated Eligon members.
Compatibility
  • Our logic-based compatibility formula increases your likelihood of finding a match and avoids wasted time spent with those who are too dissimilar.
Comfort
  • Members enjoy an exclusive area that is tailored for comfort and luxuriously free from the eyesores of advertising.

Great! This sounds perfect, right? (No it doesn’t). There will be ample options available! (There will be no options). Am I typing this while double-fisting two low-calorie fudgesicles? (You bet I am!) So I’ll carry on live-blogging my first go-round with my eyes at monitor level and wrists in a carpal-tunnelled state of readiness. Eligon…show me whatchu got!

Here is my “About Me:”

“Why hello! I’m a 30 year old single gal residing in the east end of Toronto. I’ve recently become a home-owner and am mighty proud of it! I work right downtown in the children’s toy/entertainment industry; I also have my own styling/image consulting business on the side. I’m a carnivorous young lady who has yet to be swept off her feet. A steak dinner works wonders on a chick like me. While I may be young to some or not-so-young to others – the fact remains that I’m hopelessly optimistic there are decent men in this city who just don’t know I exist. So here I am – it’s your move :)”

Breezy, confident, showing some grown-woman actions, I’m hoping this site for professionals will not get as intimidated as the other sites I’ve tried. Here’s the catch – during the trial, you receive a certain amount of credits. Every time you click on someone’s profile to see more about them, you lose a credit. So they stress to make sure you’re not just browsing to browse; make each click count. Veddy, veddy smart, Eligon.  But looky here – Ari’s got a message! His name is Gary and his message is titled, “first law of attraction.”  I’m checking out his profile first so I don’t jump to any conclusions. At first glance, I would best describe him as being a lil bit “Lovely Bones” in nature. Here are some profile highlights:

About Him

“Driven and proactive. West coast personna. Social consciousness. Personnable by nature. Tie my left shoe first.”

West. Coast. Personna…seriously? Okay, first, that’s spelled wrong. Everything else is your prerogative. But the left shoe thing is borderline dealbreaker – compromise for the right shoe or no dice!

His Ideal Day Would Include

“Roll out of bed (next to my queen), put on my gym clothes, make a few bucks at the office, play a quick round, fireside dinner with my special someone, down a nightcap in some trendy yet unknown lounge, end it with a nice massage.”

Have you spotted a red flag yet? I mentioned I was a vet of online dating, didn’t I? 9 times out of 10 – ANY use of the word “queen” in a message instigated by the man is, no doubt, him wanting to engage me in a black girl fantasy. While most women would be loved to be thought of as royalty, trust me – this is not to be taken as a compliment. It’s what he deems acceptable because he’s read a lot of books. Maybe he’s that one exception…maybe.  More importantly, you can do ANYTHING on your ideal day and this is it?  Imagination/creativity is at it’s low and surprisingly, that’s more of a turn-off than anything else.

His Favourites Books & Movies Are

“I’m currently reading The Help- a story of a young white girl and 2 black maids in 1960’s Mississippi.”

I’ll leave this alone.

Alright – credit used. Thank goodness I didn’t waste it. *single blink*   Now to see his message to me (drumroll please):

“I’m thinking a nice bottle of cab sauv goes well with your filet mignon…”

At this moment, I’m gripping the bridge of my nose between my thumb and index finger and shutting down the site because my time I’ve spent here has already been far too long. I did mention steak in my description, his response is my own doing so I can’t fault him for innuendo. He could very well want to  “wine and zine” me – but in reading the rest of his profile I did not post here, he may as well said his P would go well with my V.  In regards to possible conclusions, just consider me someone who did not jump enough. The accuracy of which I can analyze a profile scares me sometimes but thank Jeebus I have this down to a science.  Good luck, King Gary…and godspeed.

Stood Up

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I’ve known him for 15 years (and yes, he has a nickname, but I’m unable to share it!) We were high school friends and I had an undeniable crush on him way back when.  In the years since school ended, we lost touch.  Once we found each other again, we flirted with the possibility of dating but the time was never right.  But last year seemed as though we were finally on the same page to see if there was potential.  He invited me to my first Toronto FC game…ever. It was a completely last minute invitation and I was going to turn this opportunity yes!  We agreed to meet at the gate since he had our tickets. I work relatively close to the stadium so I decided to walk there to waste some time.  But first I stopped off at the Winners to make sure I had game-day attire, there was no time to go home and change. I still arrived an hour early so I had a seat by the gate, sent him a text to let him know where I was and judged watched the passersby.

Two hours later…

The game had begun and I was still sitting at the gate.  You may ask yourself (not a Talking Heads reference), “Why didn’t you call him?” That answer would be, “I did.” He was on his way, he said. He would see me soon, he would. I had already been sitting outside long enough to know what’s up.  This ain’t my first time at the “stood-up rodeo.”  I get up, swipe the dust from the butt of my jeans and pull out the ol’ BlackBerry on my walk to the streetcar. My acrylic nail found the redial button and lo and behold, he answers because he hasn’t died tragically on the way to the stadium.

THE CONVERSATION (paraphrased):

Me: “Hey… so…..?”
Him: “Where are you?”
Me: “I was waiting for you at the gate, where are you?”
Him: “I’m in my seat.”

Now, let me interject right here with a multiple choice question. Do you believe I: A) Set fire to the damn rain? B) Sucker-punched anyone in my general vicinity? C) Turned green and ran amok in torn pants or D) All of the above?

Me: “What?”
Him: “I’m sitting in my seat.”
Me: “Of course you are.” <insert the Claire Huxtable snake neck here> “Did it occur to you to call or message me since you knew I was waiting here for you? Did you not notice that you had TWO tickets when you entered the stadium and you still had ONE when you sat down in the seat? Did you notice that the seat beside you is empty because the person supposed to fill it is not with you? DON’T ANSWER ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS. Also, don’t speak to me again.” Then I hung up.

I’m sure there are plenty of reasons why he didn’t contact me  liiiiiiiiiiiiike his phone died. Oh wait, I was talking to him on it.  Ok then, he lost my number. That reason doesn’t work either.  Ummmmm, maybe he thought he was with me already and then forgot that he wasn’t (I was once told I was forgettable so, so…..there’s that). Why am I trying to figure out WHY he didn’t contact me when he sent me a text message once I hung up on his rass.* His reason was and I quote: “I didn’t see you.” *single blink* The boy didn’t see me. He didn’t see me outside the gates because he was inside with his ticket. He didn’t see me so he decided not to contact me upon his arrival since he knew I was there from an hour prior.  HE DIDN’T BLOODCLOT SEE ME EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

The moral of this story is………………………   The end.

*Rass – patois for “ass,” “behind” or “bum-bum”

(Untitled) How Does It Feel?

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WHAAAAAAAAAT?!!?!!??! *faints*

I’ve really been pushing the idea for people to get a swoon in daily. The type of swooning I’m proposing is best described as entering a state of hysterical rapture or ecstasy.

I challenge you to a Once-A-Day Swoon contest. You must find a reason to swoon everyday – it could be from clothing, men/women, food, etc. The only rule is that it has to happen to you that day. It can’t be a memory of something that happened in the past or something you think might happen in the future. You have to find your swoon-worthy situation throughout the course of your day. And unlike finding the perfect man – finding a reason to swoon is crazy fun.

I’ve never been….ahem…pinterested…in this online bulletin board but hell, I can make a virtual swoon wall to look at whenever I’m feeling low. Obviously, my chosen theme will forever be “Mens.” I will post the individuals worthy of the swoon title throughout the week because I’ll nevah, EVAH, run out of photos that send me to a state of hysterical rapture or ecstasy.  Who knows, one day, you might even make the cut.

You can find my wall of objectification right here. Men, you so fine!

P.S. If dis ya D’Angelo video didn’t make you find your Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, then you and I are done here. *single blink* Have a swoon-filled weekend.

This Charming Man

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I had this date recently with a real cool cat. You must understand this is very rare for me and I was quite happy about it.  I received a text the Sunday after St. Patrick’s Day asking if he might see me because the weather was amazing and it would be nice to take a cute girl (THAT’S ME!) for ice cream.  I was knee deep in laundry and house-cleaning but I’m not dumb nor dead…I was accepting this invitation!  He let me know where to meet him and off I went to prettify my face and subway to a fun evening out.  He decided gelato would be a better idea and gave me his recommendations. Once we decided on our desired treat, he ushered me to make my order. When the cashier asked me if there was anything else to add to the order, I turned to him and he kind of…leaned back and looked as though he was super-duper interested in something happening on the other side of the counter. *single blink* I realized at that moment I wasn’t being treated to a delicious cold dessert by a charming man.

Now let me clear this up before anyone gets upset – I’m not sayin I’m a gold digger…I’m just saying pay for my damn ice cream…

Read the rest of this post on Gail Vaz-Oxlade’s Other Voices here.

The beautiful Toronto skyline

Alright, it’s Childish baby…

HA-HAW! Fooled you! You thought I was done with this noise?!?!!?  Think again. Among the Donald Glover-Community-Derrick Comedy-Childish Gambino fans – I hope to send this pic as far as it can go.  Here’s the deal:  Donald Glover has fractured his foot – the right foot? The left foot? NOBODY KNOWS! They won’t give me his medical records. *single blink*

What I do know is that if he and I were more than fantasy BFFs, I would break out my best Sharpie and sign the HELLS out of his cast and wish him the fastest recovery ever because someone (ME) has been counting down to something (his show) since the day I heard he was coming to Toronto.

Copy and paste the photo, share the photo, RT the photo and hashtag #DonaldsCast and send your well-wishes to your boy.

Shoot @DonaldGlover a message for his cast - #DonaldsCast (Character Design by Create-a-topia)

End Of The Road

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As we all know because it was in ARIANNE’S HEADLINE NEWS, the Childish Gambino show on March 24th has been postponed until July 31st!  CG fractured his foot last weekend and doctor’s orders are that he stays off it to avoid any surgery. I was heartbroken but then discovered the silver lining – I HAVE MORE TIME!  This will be the end of the Childish Gambino-centric posts but rest assured he will pop up in posts throughout m’bloggin’ life.  Thank you for helping me out and I’ll continue my quest on my own time and if something comes from it – you’ll be the first to know.

Now, I’ve been chirping A LOT about why this dude’s music resonates with me: the trials, tribulations and everything in-between are parallels to my own experiences.  BUT you know me, sometimes it comes down to the songs that make my body pump. No hidden meanings or high moral code.  He has some raw and rowdy tracks that make the butt you didn’t know you had bounce up and down.  One of these tracks is “You See Me,” it’s riddled with quotables that I use on the daily and some of it just make me laugh. He’s still consistent with his jabs to haters but they are so clever and witty and in sync with the vibe of this song you don’t even realize it.

One of my favourite lines:

She got an ugly friend, Roll solo.
Can I stay at your place? No hobo.
Not my fault, man, these ladies love me,
She’s an overachiever ’cause all she do is succeed.

*single blink* If I need to explain the weight and hilarity of that fourth line – you and I cannot remain friends (just kidding, but you’re on the chopping block. DM me for explanation of the line if you’re really stuck).

My life is one big batch of reference and I don’t know if I have one original thought in my head because everything I do/say comes from something I’ve seen/heard. AND CHILDISH DOES THIS IN SPADES. Calling out mega-babes Olivia Munn and Rosie Jones, shining a light on “Tron,” Tumblr mentions and just laying out racial stereotypes LIKE WHOA (this song revolves around his attraction to smart Asian ladies). His rap style in this and other tracks will receive obvious comparisons to Lil Wayne but I can’t penalize him for it. The flow is sick, the song is hard and the beat is dirty.

*GIRL CRUSH ALERT* Olivia Munn is super funny, super sexy and the type of girl I want to be BFFs with. NERDS UNITE!

Enjoy it! Turn the bass up and face your mirrors rear first to watch what happens. Yeah, I know you didn’t know you could drop it like it was actually hot – it’s amazing.  Have a great weekend!

For all the “You See Me” lyrics, click here.

I’m Gonna Call Him My Best Friend

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Below is the blurriest photo imaginable. But there is no denying that Childish Gambino has been around someone from my family, THEREFORE he has almost met me.  Also, please pay the specialest (new word I’m testing out) attention to the shadowy indentation in his chest… *single blink*  The Young family genetics have swirled around his world, so guys come on, he and I are basically best friends. It’s time to put us both out of our miseries and just get us to meet on SATURDAY, MARCH 24th.

I’ve been emailing CG’s press agent, the lovely Daniel Weiner (dweiner@bwr-la.com) with my posts. Still no bites but I shall continue on this quest.  The organizations I’ve researched have told me that Childish Gambino does not have any official affiliation with them.  Now I’m asking his “people” for the opportunity to do either or both of these things:

1) Ask Mr. Glover three questions that I can post. I think this would be a great conclusion to this entire campaign.

2) Ask him to sign 3 of his albums (which I already have) to auction from my blog with 100% of the proceeds going to a Toronto organization that helps kids pursue their love of the arts.

Whether I’m able to get my three albums signed at the show or if they can provide them to me – at this point, either would be great but that’s the plan.  So, if you wanna help a girl out (I’m begging you!!!) – please email Daniel Weiner at dweiner@bwr-la.com and let him know that this Toronto thang needs to happen.

A shirtless Childish Gambino and my cousin, Jeff.