Louis, Louis!

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My date with Louis C.K. is finally here. Tonight. 10:30pm. Sure, I’ll have to share him with a room full of people but I know we’ll share a connection so strong. So…special that it won’t even matter.

Look at us…with matching brick wall backgrounds. DESTINY!

I don’t know what to wear. I’m super nervous. But I know once we’re both in the same room together, he’ll put me right at ease. I’ve been waiting many years for this moment and I’m so happy to have a matchmaker like JFL42 on my side.

Guys…tonight is gonna be magical.

(As I told a friend earlier this week, I think I’m becoming the “Comedy Lolita.” I have a type and I’m not strong enough to walk away. Comedians. COMEDIANS. I fall for ’em fast and I fall for ’em hard. I think they will be the end of me. Stop being so EFFING funny. And cute. And weird. *single blink*)

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Another One Bites The Dust

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I MADE IT TO A SECOND DATE LAST WEEK, FRIENDS!!  But on Saturday he disappeared into thin air. I’m not exaggerating. I literally have no idea where he is or where…he is. *single blink* He just stopped communicating so I surgically removed him and any trace of him from my phone. Obviously, this got me goin’ deep again. Maybe I need to redefine what I think success is in the world of dating.

My new words to live by:

And I’m fixin’ to Popeye the hell outta of my life. (toot! toot!)

**UPDATE** As soon as I scheduled this to post – he reappeared! Reappeared in text form at 1AM. I know it’s him because it’s just a series of numbers I don’t recognize in my phone because I deleted his rass as I said above (“rass” is patois for “ass,” “backside,” “butt,” “behind” – you get it now). His message was “We can.” You see, I was the last person to send a message on the weekend and received absolutely no response. Today I sent him a text simply saying I would prefer him to just let me know if we were or were not going to hang out as scheduled today (Wednesday), as we planned last week. I’m assuming that is what the “We can” is answering. Let me break this down for you:

This situation went from him sending me sweet-nothings about being on his mind all day long, pushing our second date up a day early, ‘good morning’ messages, ‘good night’ messages, looking so forward to date #3 to watch the premiere of a show that he exclaimed, “This is our first show together!”   Then radio silence. I like to give blokes the benefit of the doubt because you really don’t know what happens in someone’s life – lost a phone, unexpected travel, family or friend tragedy, whatever.  But since he somehow left this earth after that “our show” conversation, I wanted to cut him some slack. So we went from  the excitement of “our first show” to “We can.”  Computer says no, big poppa. My response, you’re wondering? Here it is: “It’s all good, <insert name here>. But thanks for getting back to me. Good luck with everything.”  He did not respond back and he will not. You can say I’m being unreasonable, you can say I’m being too hard on the dude, but trust me, I just let him off the hook. He lost interest for whatever his reasons may be and that’s fine but man up and don’t go from messaging always to ignoring me. I’m unemployed with nothing on my schedule and no kids and I STILL don’t have time to waste on oxygen thieves.

The wind is strong and taking me to new worlds and new civilizations, kids. I’m boldly going where I have NEVER gone before and you have to work hard as hell to earn a spot on my ship. Call me Captain Cutthroat, y’heard?

Switch!

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The return of STORYTIME TUESDAY, I present to you:

THE AUDIBLE

“An audible is often called by the quarterback when he doesn’t like the play call after getting a look at the defensive formation.”

A few weekends ago, my friends and I were discussing our days of old at My Apartment 2 (the club) in Mississauga. My best friend and I used to run that place – we never paid for anything, security wouldn’t allow anyone on top of the speakers except us to dance, we would be protected against any ridiculousness that may cross our paths. And at the end of the night, because we always shut the place down, wee never had to worry about how we’d get home. It’s not that we went home with strangers every week, but there were other regulars who were there all the time and somehow we’d get a ride back home to Brampton.

On a particular Thursday night, we met two gentlemen by the name of Rico and Vinnie. Now, I don’t need to go into a description of them because you guys already know. This is the only time I will accept your brains to stereotype these guys to their very core. They looked…EXACTLY…the way you’d think a Rico and a Vinnie would look. They were best friends, Rico was the obvious leader of the two. Vinnie was the sweetest boy you could ever meet, he was a bigger guy and he was a butcher at the Hurontario Knob Hill Farms. Like an actual butcher, as though it was his mob name: Vinnie da Butchah (imagine that with an Andrew Dice Clay voice.) Why I remember any of this is beyond my comprehension, but these are the Rico & Vinnie facts. *single blink* These dudes could not be made up by the best of storytellers so I’ll do my best to lay this story out.

We would see them every week – Rico was mine, Vinnie was my friend’s and we would only get together when the night was over. During the night, we all had an unspoken rule that we wouldn’t cockblock against others. That’s just the way it was. There are several Rico & Vinnie stories that came out of this four-way union, but this story is simply focused on one.

There were quite a few nights after we left the club where Rico and I would hang out the entire night, driving around until the sun came up. Talking about life, he gave me a glimpse into him occasionally though most of the time he was the largest caricature of a Rico you’d ever see. One evening, Rico and Vinnie took our relationships to the next level and the four of us hung out on a non-club night. They met us at my friend’s parent’s house, we took our Fruité down to the basement and sat on the couch to chat. So picture this:

My friend and I sitting side-by-side on the couch, Rico to one side of me and Vinnie to the other side of her. Rico tilts his head back to ask Vinnie, “Hey Vin, should we pull an audible?

We didn’t know what the hells they were talking about.  You see, I was not the sports-loving chick I am now back then; these words meant nothing to me. At least not in the context they meant it. I remember  looking at her as if to say, “WTF?” but I don’t think we audibly (see what I did there?) expressed we didn’t know what they were going on about. I remember them asking us if we were cool with it, by this time they had explained the football concept, and we basically shrugged and said, “Yeah, sure.”  I mean, what did we care? These guys were never going to be more than anything they were at that moment in time. At that point in my life, I was in my first year of kissing something other than the back of my hand, so I was game for WHATEVAH!  You should also note, the way we ended up AFTER the audible is how it should’ve been from the beginning. Vinnie was the nice, sweet, caring dude and Rico was the I’m-all-about-Rico show…Vinnie was doing NOTHING for my friend and Rico was doing NOTHING for me.

This was so long ago, the rest of the night is a little muddled in my mind but I do remember running upstairs for more Fruité (I was really into this drink) and Vinnie meeting me at the top of the staircase to the basement. The light was off, it was almost morning and there was some light hitting his face. He was whispering to me asking if I was truly okay with it because he didn’t want to do anything I didn’t want to do. He was so concerned. I remember laughing and saying something to the effect of, “I think we got it right this time” or some other saccharine comment only my brain would come up with. He kissed me right there on the stairs, just like that! And it was gooooooooood. (Rico was a lizard tongue – you know that type of kisser that just has his rigid tongue shooting in and out and not finessing anyone at any time? It was not the one.)

Vinnie and I had a couple more dates after that, on our own and then we lost touch. I don’t think there’s a week that goes by that I don’t think about those two or that night. From that moment on, the idea of “the audible” became so iconic in my life. It’s never happened to me again, but I’ve had so many friends lose friends over the same situation. I wouldn’t put this in the ‘Hoes before Bros’ category or anything, but it was just one of those things that simply worked out for the time it was supposed to work. I wouldn’t have changed that for the world.

The moral of this story is not to meet two guys with a friend and then switch partners when it doesn’t work out. But for those of us who are still single and not really meeting men with the potential we think we’re looking for, maybe we need to quarterback our own lives. Pull an audible. Zag instead of zig. Let’s try a different play and go for the dude flying under the radar. As we ALL saw during the Green Bay/Seattle game last night, if we allow these replacement refs to continue to call the shots, we’ll never get ahead.

Go Deep

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I’ve disabled and hidden all of my online dating accounts. Don’t get excited, I haven’t been scooped up nor have I set my sights on another. Je suis très fatiguée. I think it’s always good to step back from that world every so often. You ride so many highs and lows when your profile is viewed aplenty but with very little ROI.

I’m on a timeout.

In doing this, it got me thinking. It got me thinking so deep, yo. I think the singles in my age group (Target market? Demographic? Peers?) are clearly and severely divided into two groups and ONLY two groups. These two groups see the exact same situation in completely different lights.

THE GENERAL SITUATION

Life is short.

Group #1

In the hustle and bustle of everything that surrounds us: family, friends, careers, sex, finance, travel, shelter, etc., things need to get done before “settling down” is even an option. There’s so much to see!!! There are so many men (and women or both) to do before it’s too late!!! The maximum amount of fun and experiences must be had before anything else can be considered because once it’s gone…it’s gone. Insert Sam Kinison scream here*single blink*

Group #2 (this is where I live, y’all)

In the hustle and bustle of everything that surrounds us: family, friends, careers, sex, finance, travel, shelter, etc., we realize that time is passing us by. We’re watching friends get engaged, married, have a kid…or maybe two! All of a sudden, that other stuff doesn’t matter as much – I don’t care how big my place is, I don’t need to impress anyone. I don’t care which party I’m invited to, it’s all the same places and faces, isn’t it? I would rather have the next 50 years dedicated to the man I love and the hockey team my uterus allows me to birth. I would rather experience my travels with them, build memories with them, make a home with them, spend my money on them. I don’t consider this “settling down” – this concept doesn’t scare me, it keeps hope alive in my black heart (non-racial reference, I legitimately believe the heart in my chest resembles coal or is blacker than a black man’s cape).

Now, how did my disabling of my online dating profiles bring me to these conclusions? Well…it absolutely boggles my mind that there are still men (and I’m sure women, I just don’t see those profiles) who indicate they are “not looking for a relationship or commitment of any kind.” This is an actual option you can choose on Plenty Of Fish. It is their prerogative to choose this option, they can use the site for whatever connection they decide to make. But to get real-real-real-real-real-real-REAL-real with you – there are SO many! How am I and everyone else in Group #2 such a minority in this world. My friends are engaged, married, pregnant. So there ARE men and women out there, on the regular, totally seeking relationships or a commitment of some kind. So how…in the ACTUAL F*CK…am I only surrounded in the real world and online by men who are looking for one thing and one thing only…and it’s not even my sweet, delectable V? HOW? HOOOOOOOW?

Well, I don’t have the answer to this. But you can see how my mind works and now I’m off the sites for a few months to just ease the pressure in my mindgrapes because I can’t even with this anymore. Cannot. Even.

And for those commenters who are going to leave a comment, be advised: I will not meet anyone now that I’m not looking. Trust me on this one, I’m not being negative – that’s just not how the fates have designed my life. And that’s lucky for you and this blog.

I’m Picky

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Sometimes I crack myself up and here’s how – my latest message received on POF:

“Hi If the idea of and older yet attractive and pleasing male slowly tasting and licking your warm, moist _____ is a turn on then defenitely say hello :-)”

My response:

“Actually that sounds amazing, but that’s how you spelled ‘definitely.’ Byeeeeeeeee!”

Get out.

 

Hahahahahahahahahahaha…. *inhale* BAAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA…..heh heh…….h….ahem.

I’ll be alone forever. *single blink*

One Is The Loneliest Number

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Here’s a poem I wrote I don’t-know-when:

A POEM BY RAPHAEL DE LA GHETTO

Met a boy who was cute as can be
And I tried & I tried so that he could see
It wasn’t “them” he wanted, it was totally me.
But the cost of his heart was an unfair fee.
With my assets drained leaving liabilities,
Someone else owns his equity.
So I sit and I wonder on the TTC…
“Will someone ever choo-choo-choose Ari?”

Painting by Nigel Van Wieck: “Q Train”

*single blink*

CRY ME A RIVER, am I right???!  Ugh. That girl is gooooooooone. Things are great, guys! Things are looking up! And how are you?

Call The Police

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JUST RECEIVED:

“Hi there.

I just wanted to apologise for my lack of talkativeness the other night. I’d had a rather busy day, and I guess I was just getting run down. I sort of fell asleep… I honestly didn’t mean to ignore you or anything.

There’s something about your profile that caught my interest. You sound like fun. You seem to have a good attitude. You look incredibly cute in glasses. See… It’s hard to pinpoint. All I know is that I’d like to spend some time getting to know you good and proper-like.

So if you’re up for giving a somewhat shy guy another shot, I’d be quite happy to hear back from you. Assuming, of course, that you’re as friendly as that gorgeous smile says you are.”

This is a totally sweet message, right? RIGHT?!??!!?!?!

Here’s the kicker: WE NEVER EVER SPOKE BEFORE!!!!

Call them. *single blink* Call them now.

Thinkin’ Bout You

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And now for your Monday Morning Mindblast (at least it was for me as I sat reminiscing about boys of old into the wee hours of Sunday *single blink*).  This is an old story that’s been told several ways, for some reason it hit me differently this time around. Sometimes you reach a point in life when a moral stabs you directly in the chest like John . If you find yourself in a vicious dating cycle with the wrong people (whether you want to admit it out loud or not), really think about this. Does it apply to you the way it hella does to me?

THE SCORPION AND THE FROG

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, “How do I know you won’t sting me?”  The scorpion says, “Because if I do, I will die too.”

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp,”Why?”

The scorpion replies: “It’s my nature…”

The Scorpion & The Frog

Let’s stop wasting time and energy on these sucka DJs a.k.a. scorpions who can do bad all by themselves. Trust me, they can. They are not worthy, people!

They are not worthy people.

Hold On For One More Day…

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..or one complete weekend ‘cuz dis black b!&@# is BEAT!

WHAT A BLOODY WHIRLWIND! And who told my overzealous backside I’d be able to continue posting to this blog AND work TIFF???

Here’s what you need to know about my past 10 days:

  1. Pierce Brosnan is an a-hole.
  2. Chris O’Dowd is in my favourite movie of the year, “The Sapphires.” If you haven’t heard of it or you find out it’s coming to your city, please check it out. Great music, great story and you will fall in love with the entire cast. You will laugh out loud – I promise you. You’ll also bawl. Watch the trailer here!
  3. Parry (at the Hyatt Regency) is the bees knees – tell him I sent you and give him a ‘hello’ for me.
  4. I discovered the greatness that is: a toasted cinnamon-raisin bagel with butter AND cream cheese. I had it every day, for all 10 days. I’m still alive.
  5. I am exhausted but I’m missing it like crazy now that it’s over.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah…here are my two Twitter interactions with Mr. O’Dowd I will never un-favourite:

Henceforth, I will be known as Lady Arianneopher of Snootycall Lane.

Thanks for checking in on the blog everyday even though I failed you miserably. Good stuff coming up, I promise…because I’m consistently being dumped or rejected. For you. My faithful readers.