This Is The Song That Doesn’t End

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This is an oldie but a goodie.

This is a real vm message (transcribed word for word) that I received on January 1, 2011. And this is not a collection of voicemails, this is a single message left on my phone. I was Swinger’d**, if you’ve seen the movie …you will understand. I suggest on your break or lunch to find a place to read this out loud or if easier, find someone you can read it too.  It is exponentially more hilarious and ridiculous when you don’t read it in your head. TRUST ME and enjoy!!!

“Hi Arianne – it’s Jesse calling. How are you? We met at the thing last night. Happy New Year. I hope you’re well. I hope you slept off the intense hangover from all the Jack Daniels *snickers* Um…anyway, it was really nice meeting. I really liked you. I thought you were really neat. You were definitely the saving grace of the party. When you left it was so boring. Man. everybody left – not just me. Everybody did after you left. Look at that, you killed the party…heh heh heh. Anyway, it was really nice meeting you and really hope we do get together for coffee or something. Now I thought that if you were really feeling adventurous we could have lunch. Wouldn’t that be neat? You know, I don’t want to freak you out on a first date so coffee’s ok. Anyway, I would really like to talk to you so I hope you call me back. Um….I….actually remember most of our conversation believe it or not, I really was actually not that drunk. I just was really just spilling my drink on you out of clumsiness. But uh…anyway, I would really like to learn more and uh, give you a chance to know more about me and see if you think I’m cool. And if you don’t wear five-inch heels, you’ll have a better shot *snicker* cuz I can’t wear five-inch heels and get away with it. Anyway, I should leave you my phone number shouldn’t I? I have an unlisted number because I do the EMS stuff and I have a drop-in center for troubled youth so I need my number to be unlisted, um but uh, it doesn’t mean that the people I want to can’t have it. Um….you can pretty much reach me any time because I don’t sleep and I do weird EMS stuff in the middle of the night. Anyway, whenever. You can call me whenever it doesn’t matter. Um…if I don’t answer leave a message and I’ll give you a call back. My number is <insert number here>. That’s <insert number (again) here>. Um…and it’s a new phone and I’m not sure if it’s working well or not, whatever. So I’ll say it one more time, <insert number thricely here>.  And it’s Jesse for Arianne. Hope to talk to you soon. I’m going out tonight to a coffee shop near me. Shisha bar actually. A coffee shop. Doing some drawing; working on some sketches. Um so if you call me in the evening I’ll be around, I can take your call. Um if you do want to come draw, you’re more than welcome. Um…but you have to be able to draw to come otherwise, no coffee. *snickers* Anyway, I’ll be out probably from 9 o’clock on. Until then, I should be available I think. Um and uh…yeah, ok, take care. This is too long a message, isn’t it? Jesse, we met last night. Talk to you soon. Happy New Year.”

*single blink*

ummm-no

**A clip from “Swingers”:

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He Will Give Me A Taste I Will Feel In My Cheeks

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From a 19 year old suitor on OK Cupid:

“Just wanted to say I find you very attractive. If I got to know you, I would invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull you close and whisper in your ear “I have a swanson tv dinner in the freezer with your name on it” and then I would proceed to fill a wine glass with welch’s grape juice.”

I only have one thing to say to this: SOMEONE’S BEEN READING MY DIARY!!! Let’s do this thing!  I mean, ahem… *single blink*

Maybe I’m Amazed

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I have so many AMAZING POF messages sitting in my inbox, that I think I’m just going to take this week to fill you in on my online loves. Tell me what your face do when you read these this week:

“Hi how are you doing I hope everything is ok on your I will like for to have a word some if that is ok with hope to hear from you at your soonest of time thanks for taking the time out to read my msg”

Follow me on Twitter: @Bettykiss

If I Was Your Boyfriend

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Scene from “Pretty In Pink:”

Andie: “EEEEEEEEEEEE! It happened! He asked me.”

Dad: “And?”

Andie: “I accepted.”

Dad: “Well, congratulations. No more moping around the house waiting for the telephone to ring.”

Really, Andie? Just like that, Andie? Andie is a biznitch.

The scene above between Andie and her father has stuck with me since I first saw the movie. Why? Because I don’t understand how that happens…in real life. DO MEN EVER ASK LIKE THAT? Like, for real-for real??? Studies (a.k.a. my envious observations of friends during the years when dating/relationships became a thing) show they do.

I’m a turning-31-year-old lady and unlike the Caramilk secret (which I nailed!), I have no idea how boyfriends and girlfriends become boyfriends and girlfriends. I’ve read about it, I’ve watched it on the big and small screens, I’ve been there for my friends in and out of their relationships/committments/exclusivities/marriages and I still don’t understand it because I’ve never lived it.  As you know, I’ve had a boyfriend (one) in my lifetime. We decided this would be the next step while I folded his laundry on the floor of his apartment because we were feeling weird after kissing for the first time weeks prior and couldn’t really talk to each other like the best friends we were. Before the kiss. He eventually said, “So what are you thinking?” I said, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” And then he said, “I guess we should try it” but with an upward inflection at the end. Then we shook hands and I continued to fold his laundry and he continued to clean his room. That was it. Case in point, it’s different for every-damn-body.

I know there’s no formula. There are no written rules. That relationship ended more than 5 years ago and since then…nothing. I was seeing someone for 8 months and every day I thought, well…we’ve been seeing each other and only each other for this long, we’re obviously in a relationship. We don’t need to label it, this just is what it is and I feel so grown up. Chest up, pride pouring from my core. Then he turns around and says, “Yeah – this isn’t a relationship by the by.” WTF?! So then what are we doing? I thought I was being breezy. I thought I was going with the flow. It technically WAS a relationship of sorts, was it not? Explain yourself (arms folded, foot tapping)! Instead he drove away and I choked on the dust from his exhaust. That was that. Why would there be any emotion, in his mind, there was NO relationship.

Was I touched in the soft spot at a very young age? Do NOT tell me that it’s not happening for me because I really want it to. I’m surrounded by men and women who knew what they wanted and they went out and got it. I know people who didn’t want anything of the sort and it just rolled up on ’em and now they have 2.5 kids and a cottage up north. I will never, ever believe that just because you want something means it’s not going to happen for you. How does that make sense? Everything I’ve ever achieved in life is due to my perseverance and focus on the prize. If I know I’m perfect for a job, will I not do whatever it takes to land that job? If I want to make a meal, will I not scour the land for all the pertinent ingredients and use all the tools I own to make the best dish I can?  So why would I not try? The last time I decided I’m just going to concentrate on me…three years went by. I wasn’t approached or asked out in 1,095 days.  Guys? Guys. GUYS! Come on, that’s ridiculous. I literally wasn’t even asked out for me to turn to the gentleman and say, “Thank you but no, I’m concentrating on me right now.”  I was just left alone. I’m not a game-player yet I’m being forced to play this game with zero instructions, a ripped board and no dice. HOW IS THIS FAIR?

Anyway, this post isn’t for any form of sympathy, obviously. This is me. I’m a big girl. This post is to legitimately ask, how the hell do people get in relationships?  ‘Cuz dating someone I like and who likes me doesn’t seem to work. Nor does asking the man myself, so…………… *single blink*

follow me on twitter, let’s talk about it: @bettykiss

I Could Never Be Your Woman

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Some time in late January of 1981, my parents did stuff that spawned me nine months later. When I came out…GOOD LORD, I was black just like them. Cut to two thousand-f*cking-twelve and what I’m about to share with you is full disclosure. You know I’m all up in the online dating world. There are certain times when I’m feeling completely haunted and decide to hear one of these horrible people out – I lead them into a conversation I know will end badly but I just want to see what they’ll say. Call it curiosity, call it boredom.

Here’s my Plenty of Fish “about me” write-up:

“Hello boys! I’m excitable, talkative, sometimes crazy..but you know, in that cute way. Um…what else can I say that has not been said? Nothing. I’m on this site for one reason and one reason only, to discover/be discovered by a man who makes this site unnecessary in my life. Unfortunately with crazy work hours and my own business on the side, I have little time to be as social as I think I need to be to meet someone new. I want you to watch cartoons with me, I want to sleep-in with you, I want to eat copious amounts of bacon with syrup as a snack WITHOUT judgement, you let me wear your dress shirts around the house because it’s better and sexier than any nightgown I may own. 

If you’re someone with a fetish or simply looking for sex, I’m not your girl but I wish you luck. I don’t look down on you for it, it’s just not what I’m about. I do not discriminate against race, so don’t even bring that up either (it’s a turn-off). I’m just a girl looking for a guy to know. A guy to hold hands with, to makeout with and watch sports with.  *WARNING* Don’t be alarmed when you fall for me immediately, it’s no one’s fault”

Now on to the string of messages that made me laugh, then cry, then scream:

                HIM – hi ever been with a white male
  ME – Yup.
  ME – Hahaha I’m assuming you didn’t get through my entire profile to the part of “race.”
  HIM- nice. did u like or
  ME – Did I like? Like what? Men are men.
  HIM – no i did not get to that part in your profile. i have heard diferent things about men
  ME – I see. I guess you could school me more than I could school you. 🙂
  HIM – i do not understand your schooling lesson
  ME –  The point is there isn’t one. I don’t know the differences you speak of but you’re telling me you’ve heard things. So, I’m assuming you can tell me more about the differences in different men than I can.
  HIM – i heard black guys have very large dicks
  ME – I’ve never been with a black man. I have no idea if that’s true.
  HIM -i c. have u only been with white males
  ME – No, not at all., I’ve just never been with a black man. I don’t attract them on the most part. I grew up in a multicultural neighbourhood and school, so I never really noticed any differences. Never been a thing I thought about. Of course, until I begun online dating and that’s the only thing I hear about…haha. But what can you do? Men are going to be curious.
  HIM – k. so which race would say is the best
ME – What about this are you not getting? I don’t live my life or base any potential relationships based on a race I find better than the other. I am black. That would be slightly ironic, wouldn’t it? I think men who are witty and passionate and tall and ambitious and have a great appetite are who I’m drawn to the most. The colour of their skin does not ever play a factor. Ever.

Good luck on your search – knowing that you didn’t read my profile is kind of disheartening. That’s the whole point of the site. And if you did, you’d understand why this whole conversation has left me disappointed. Take care, you’re a super cute guy. I’m sure you don’t me to wish you luck.
The ‘race war’ conversations I’ve been in lately have been far too frequent. Hell, the fact that ‘race wars’ are still a thing is beyond shocking! What it comes down to (I sound like a broken record – AND I DON’T MEAN BECAUSE VINYL IS BLACK) is this guy didn’t write me because he’s interested in me, the person. This man, this Jacques Cousteau of race relations, wanted to deep dive into the things he’s heard about “the others.” Obviously as a black, I can clear up any and all questions he might have about all blacks and any other race because each race is the same unto their own, right?! GUYS, there are people in this world who walk around with this man’s mentality! They think one race has to be better or worse than another just because. Liiiiiiiiiiike, think about that for a second. Even if you’ve never experienced any form of racism in your life, but you have a brain cell, this needs to blow that single cell right from your skull. This guy’s black so he’s hung like three loads of last night’s coloured laundry and well, that makes him better than the whites. Must. *single blink* HOW IS THIS LOGICAL THOUGHT?!
Last time I checked I had a beautiful glass container in my bathroom full of cotton balls I didn’t pick m’damn self in a field. This signifies that times have changed. World, be better.