Help Me Girl

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DISCLAIMER: These suggestions are for those hoping for more than just someone to bang their brains successfully out of their ears. If you just want sex, then continue with your half-naked photos and avoidable spelling mistakes. You’ll do just fine!

I probably change my dating profiles more often than the average bear, because I can and because I get bored OFTEN. But I think Plenty Of Fish needs to pay me for the amount of help I give the men on their site. You see, every once in a while, my updates include tips to men on how to improve their own profiles.  This time it seemed to resonate even more with the lads.  I have been receiving non-stop messages  asking me to review their current profiles and break down how to improve them. I’ve received a ridiculous amount of “thank yous” in the past 24 hours for something I assumed would be common sense for anyone venturing into the world of internet dating.  While only men can see my profile, this works both ways – ladies, step your game up too. Here’s what’s on my profile now:

“Gentlemen…..oh gentlemen of Plenty of fish. Let me just explain something to you about online dating and the trap almost ALL of you seem to be falling in.
If you are utilizing a dating website to broaden your horizons (dating IS a numbers game), then you cannot begin all of your profiles with, “I don’t really know what to say” or “I don’t want to give everything away in a profile” OR “Let’s save something for the date.” And here is why:

You’ve all had a plethora of years to live life and establish yourselves as human beings. You’ve had more life experiences than you could ever share with another person IN an actual lifetime. If the information you decide to share on your online dating profile is the only info you have and there’s a legitimate fear you won’t have anything to discuss on a first date, then dudes, there’s a MUCH larger issue here. 

I mean, what if you hit it off with the lady? That means you’ll have to go on another date and you’ve already told her everything on your first date. Do you note my sarcasm? Do you now see how ludicrous your concerns are about sharing too much information? It’s a site. It’s basically window-shopping for dates – we browse, we stop when we find something that pleases our eyes, we go in and take a look around to see if it’s as good up close as it is from the window…then we either take it to the register or put it back on the rack. 

If writing isn’t your strong suit, lead with that. Be honest. That’s more charming and genuine than thinking your photos alone are going to sway the vote one way or another. Just breezily note what you’re looking for, what kind of dude you are and I don’t know…a hobby you’re super into. That’s it. It’s SO easy. Just a tip from someone who is reading A LOT of the same thing. It’s not cute, it’s not original. Be yourself, trust me…that speaks volumes!

(Please note: this also goes for “Profession.” If you state “have one” or “it’s legal” or “yes” beside that field, just stop it. Why is there secrecy around what you do? If someone is going to judge you for being white-collar, blue-collar or no collar at all…then you shouldn’t want that chick anyway.) 

Good luck, fellas!”

So if you’ve been thinking about joining a free or paid dating site, just take the damn time to put in a bit of effort. If you’re not serious about it, then you can’t be discouraged when you’re not getting the replies or attention you desire. And if you’re too uncomfortable divulging general information, then don’t online date. I mean, seriously, if you’re in the Witness Protection Program or something else super-secretive then…get offline. They’re definitely coming to get you. Watch yourself!

*single blink*