Black Hole Sun

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Last week, I signed into POF for the first time in a few weeks and I promised the jokes would be mighty high. So let’s start off with a highlight:

*ahem*

A real-life message to me.

*single blink*

For real-real-real-real-real-REAL-real-real-real??? That’s it?

May the odds be forever in your favour. Bye.

I Could Never Be Your Woman

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Some time in late January of 1981, my parents did stuff that spawned me nine months later. When I came out…GOOD LORD, I was black just like them. Cut to two thousand-f*cking-twelve and what I’m about to share with you is full disclosure. You know I’m all up in the online dating world. There are certain times when I’m feeling completely haunted and decide to hear one of these horrible people out – I lead them into a conversation I know will end badly but I just want to see what they’ll say. Call it curiosity, call it boredom.

Here’s my Plenty of Fish “about me” write-up:

“Hello boys! I’m excitable, talkative, sometimes crazy..but you know, in that cute way. Um…what else can I say that has not been said? Nothing. I’m on this site for one reason and one reason only, to discover/be discovered by a man who makes this site unnecessary in my life. Unfortunately with crazy work hours and my own business on the side, I have little time to be as social as I think I need to be to meet someone new. I want you to watch cartoons with me, I want to sleep-in with you, I want to eat copious amounts of bacon with syrup as a snack WITHOUT judgement, you let me wear your dress shirts around the house because it’s better and sexier than any nightgown I may own. 

If you’re someone with a fetish or simply looking for sex, I’m not your girl but I wish you luck. I don’t look down on you for it, it’s just not what I’m about. I do not discriminate against race, so don’t even bring that up either (it’s a turn-off). I’m just a girl looking for a guy to know. A guy to hold hands with, to makeout with and watch sports with.  *WARNING* Don’t be alarmed when you fall for me immediately, it’s no one’s fault”

Now on to the string of messages that made me laugh, then cry, then scream:

HIM – hi ever been with a white male

ME – Yup.

ME – Hahaha I’m assuming you didn’t get through my entire profile to the part of “race.”

HIM- nice. did u like or

ME – Did I like? Like what? Men are men.

HIM – no i did not get to that part in your profile. i have heard diferent things about men

ME – I see. I guess you could school me more than I could school you. 🙂

HIM – i do not understand your schooling lesson

ME –  The point is there isn’t one. I don’t know the differences you speak of but you’re telling me you’ve heard things. So, I’m assuming you can tell me more about the differences in different men than I can.

HIM – i heard black guys have very large dicks

ME – I’ve never been with a black man. I have no idea if that’s true.

HIM -i c. have u only been with white males

ME – No, not at all., I’ve just never been with a black man. I don’t attract them on the most part. I grew up in a multicultural neighbourhood and school, so I never really noticed any differences. Never been a thing I thought about. Of course, until I begun online dating and that’s the only thing I hear about…haha. But what can you do? Men are going to be curious.

HIM – k. so which race would say is the best

ME – What about this are you not getting? I don’t live my life or base any potential relationships based on a race I find better than the other. I am black. That would be slightly ironic, wouldn’t it? I think men who are witty and passionate and tall and ambitious and have a great appetite are who I’m drawn to the most. The colour of their skin does not ever play a factor. Ever. Good luck on your search – knowing that you didn’t read my profile is kind of disheartening. That’s the whole point of the site. And if you did, you’d understand why this whole conversation has left me disappointed. Take care, you’re a super cute guy. I’m sure you don’t me to wish you luck.

The ‘race war’ conversations I’ve been in lately have been far too frequent. Hell, the fact that ‘race wars’ are still a thing is beyond shocking! What it comes down to (I sound like a broken record – AND I DON’T MEAN BECAUSE VINYL IS BLACK) is this guy didn’t write me because he’s interested in me, the person. This man, this Jacques Cousteau of race relations, wanted to deep dive into the things he’s heard about “the others.” Obviously as a black, I can clear up any and all questions he might have about all blacks and any other race because each race is the same unto their own, right?! GUYS, there are people in this world who walk around with this man’s mentality! They think one race has to be better or worse than another just because. Liiiiiiiiiiike, think about that for a second. Even if you’ve never experienced any form of racism in your life, but you have a brain cell, this needs to blow that single cell right from your skull. This guy’s black so he’s hung like three loads of last night’s coloured laundry and well, that makes him better than the whites. Must. *single blink* HOW IS THIS LOGICAL THOUGHT?!

Last time I checked I had a beautiful glass container in my bathroom full of cotton balls I didn’t pick m’damn self in a field. This signifies that times have changed. World, be better.

How You Remind Me

**If you haven’t noticed, I use song titles to name every post. I also associate a song to go with each post – I hope you take the time to press play. This is the only time I’ve strongly suggested you to bookmark this page (if you’re reading from your phone) and have a listen when you’re in an environment to do so.**

Have we all seen this? In her own words, you’re getting her wrong if you think she hates black people. That’s not at all what we would think after reading her tweet rant. *single blink* This gyal is lucky she and I aren’t size**

I could really go in on what she said but this is not what this forum is for.  How this relates to today’s post is that after all the discussions I had about the aforementioned oxygen thief, the interwebs decided to disturb my Gmail and let me know where I should find the man for me. I’ve received this message a million times but today (shaking my head)…TODAY….was not the day.

Really?!?! Did y’all read every last word of that ad? My eyes rolled so hard and for so long at the testimonial: “…Don’t be afraid!”  Don’t be afraid to date outside your race? (WARNING: PLEASE BE AWARE YOU WILL NOW BE ASSAULTED WITH A FLURRY OF QUESTION MARKS!) As much hate as I felt from that idiot’s tweets earlier; seeing the complete opposite makes me feel ABSOLUTELY NO BETTER. This site is dedicated for white males seeking black women. Why does this exist? Why in the bloodclot do I need the world to “remind” me of the colour of my skin every, damn day? You can’t just like me ‘cuz I’m cool?  You can’t like me because I can bowl strike after strike? Because I’m funny? BECAUSE I’M PRETTY?!  BECAUSE I EXIST?!?!?!?!?  Why do I need to know about this secret group of admirers? Do people honestly believe this makes things easier? The fact there’s a target market for this just reinforces we haven’t progressed as much as anyone thinks we have.  The f*ck????  World, be better…this entire attitude is SO yesterday. I’m the first person to scream from the rooftops that I’ve dated and continue to date outside my race because I love up a man, you see!  Red, white, purple or green – if you’re fine, you’ve got my attention. Why the hell am I going to limit myself to one meal when there’s a buffet of all the foods of the world???  All jokes aside, I know who I am and where I’m from, so stop distributing outdated Cliff notes to those who should be thinned from the herd.

If there was a way for me to hack into this site and upload a music player – it would only play this song on repeat (lyrics below). Please press play: 

“Curious White Boy” – Cree Summer aka Freddie from “A Different World” aka the voice of Elmira from “Tiny Toons”

Politically erect
Romanticizing ’bout ancestral innocence
Conscience easin’ curiosity pleasin’
Slum teasin’

Lab rat is crude ego food
Ain’t no afro nor halo
Can pick that cotton out your conscience

Inside the petting zoo (was it good for you?)
Can’t hide me in dark night places (‘Cause in the spaces)
Curious is the luxury (to be wrong)
White, wrong, still belong
All my jungle’d come out

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

Another housekeeper fantasy
Afrodite
Coffee-colored remedy for your hangover from history

I know your daddy and your brother too well
And his friends made me swear i wouldn’t tell

Inside the petting zoo (was it good for you?)
Can’t hide me in dark night places (‘Cause in the spaces)
Curious is the luxury (to be wrong)
White, wrong, still belong
All my jungle’d come out

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

What you so mad about
Always gotta scream and shout
Find a difference point it out
Spread your legs, shut your mouth
My virginity hanging from your family tree

Why you so angry?
They just crowned Mammie Miss America

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

Curious white boy
When am i gonna meet
Your mamma?
(met yo’ daddy already)

**This is a West Indian saying – it basically means that we’re not on the same level and respect who you’re talking to.  When you come correct, we can have an actual discussion.  So the next time someone steps to you with attitude; trying to talk down to you…look them up and down and simply say, “You and I are not size.”