If You’re Happy And You Know It

Please press play: 

Jason Collins is gay. This was the big announcement of Monday, April 29, 2013. This was a landmark moment in the world of men’s professional sports. And while I do not want to diminish the significance of what he did (because it’s a big, f*ckin’ deal), it is still a big, F*CKIN’ deal. In 2013. On Earth. Does this not seem preposterous to anyone other than me? Just by statistics alone, there are SO many gay athletes playing sports right now and he’s the only one in one of the major four male professional leagues where this is known??? *single blink* Come on, world. We need to do better than this.  This vicious cycle won’t end because not everyone will be accepting of Jason Collins. HE hasn’t changed but someone else’s perception of him changed. That changed perception causes fear. That fear becomes a festering petri dish of hate…and that hate will amount to unnecessary bullying and violence, somewhere. We know this. We’re not new to this. People were frothing at the mouth to see the first homophobic response to this news so we could attack/agree with whomever said it. It’s sickening. Humans make me ill.

I felt this version of the song was an easy-to-follow metaphor of what I expect are the different emotional stages of coming out (and if not, it’s the stages I go through when someone is described as “brave” for just being honest about who they are):

When you come out = “If You’re Happy And You Know It…”

When you get hit upside the head with public reaction = “If You’re Sad And You Know It…”

When idiots try to dictate your life = “If You’re Mad And You Know It…” (cut short obviously, because who really has the time)

When you’ve had enough = “If You’re Sleepy And You Know It…”

When you wake up the next day and the day after that and the diggy-dog day after that = you’re right back to “If You’re Happy And You Know It…” because you can’t with these basic bitches. So now is your time to own it.

As humans we are forced to live alongside each other whether we want to or not.  Those unable to handle it end up doing unspeakable things to the people around them.  Right now your own beliefs do not matter to me so stop reading or unfollow/unfriend/un-like or whatever because I will cut ANYONE who expresses anything negative to me about this subject.  So the question of questions is:


Is it because it makes you uncomfortable? So does a wedgie yet you cope.

Is it unnatural? Who cares – it doesn’t concern you.

Are you under the impression that all gays carry AIDS or HIV? Well, you’re just stupid and I’ll thin you from this herd of people I associate with.

Is it against your religion, is it some form of sin? Everyone sins, including you and yet you’re still able to live your life by asking forgiveness. Why don’t we let the big guy upstairs make the decision on who didn’t live the life He apparently set out for them. I mean, if that’s what the argument really is, then judge not lest ye be judged, bitch.

Are you afraid of the gays and their advances? THEY DON’T WANT YOU!!! (You should be so lucky.)

Do you think accepting gay people in your life will, in fact, turn you into a gay? Well, m’dears, it’s in you to give. If you’re gay, you’re gay. If you’re not, you’re not.  If you’re idiot drunk girls trying to get attention from a group of oil workers at your local top 40-playing club, well then, you’re just messing up your own lipstick with one another for no goddamn reason.

Are you fighting your own homosexual desires and you know the gays have a special power that illuminates a rainbow across your forehead for the world to see as they spit COTDAMN GLITTER WHILE RIDING A STAMPEDE OF OF BEDAZZLED UNICORNS ACROSS YOUR FARCE OF A LIFE?????!?!?!?!?!! IS THAT THE PROBLEM? DID I GET TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR TRUE FEARS?

Tha f*ck outta here.

Give me any question and I’ll Dikembe Mutombo it back in your face so hard it will reverse the earth’s gravitational pull.  If. you. cannot. live. your. damn. life. due to the race, gender, cultural background, sexual orientation, etc. of someone then be in your sad, little worlds because that’s how I view what you’ve chosen to spend energy on.

Just let me say my piece and hopefully free my mind of the attack it’s having on itself.

Gay people are just people. Gay/Same-sex marriage is just marriage. Boyfriends having boyfriends/Girlfriends having girlfriends is simply known as a relationship. People having to explain this to other people BLOWS MY MIND OUT OF MY EARHOLES.

All I know is I’m standing on the highest soapbox in the universe because I look down on you with a shameful, slow-shaking head of disgust. I pity you and would never wish your brain and ugly, hateful thoughts on my worst enemy. I am happier than you and I always will be because there’s no one in this world I’m preventing myself from being friends with or learning from or loving due to a small mind and sheltered world view.

I am a single, straight, black Canadian woman with abysmal gas and razor sharp wit. I have a love of porn and Richie Havens music and not necessarily at the same time……..but maybe!!! I have a killer smile even though my teeth are jacked and I watch more cartoons than all the children of the world combined. These things, plus so much more, make me who I am. But do any of these things make you less of who you are? Is your straightness ending wars? Is your security in your heterosexuality feeding the hungry? How are you better or more worthy of the most basic human rights? You’re not.

So the next time someone says, “By the way, I’m gay,” your only response should be a single blink followed by, “Actually, you’re Stanley. We just met, like…two minutes ago – do you like sushi ‘cuz I’m starving?”

Are my instructions clear? Now, go get a life and get the direct f*ck out of everyone else’s.

Kanye mic drop


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