On To The Next One

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I can’t tell you how excited I was to receive an email from a reader I don’t actually know. Then, I read this email and felt complete sympathy for what she’s been going through re: online dating because we all know, I have been here, there and errywhere.  I asked her if she’d mind if I posted her email because I’m sure men and women have experienced this and we can all join in the conversation, share our stories and give her some hope.

From Anonymous:

Hey,

So I recently joined OKCupid and am having the worst time. First, a lot of the guys aren’t amazing (which, I’m sure you’ve noticed) but THEN when I find a guy I’m remotely interested in, we chat.. and chat.. and then nothing. Sometimes I ask for a Facebook add. Then we do. Then sometimes a message or two. Then nothing.
 
I really don’t think I’m doing anything wrong since there’s not much space for me to even start to really make any mistakes, since we only chat for two/three days and send a few messages and it’s always light hearted and fun. 
 
I don’t get it! It’s starting to make me self conscious about how I look (I was fine with how I looked prior to this, as much as one could be I suppose) or how I converse  All sorts of crazy stupid things I don’t really think is healthy. 
 
Help!

First of all, darling, shut down any and all feelings of self-consciousness right now. Blinkers, I’ve seen this gal’s photo and she’s a stunner. Anyone who isn’t smart enough to take things to the next level, meaning an actual date, is the one missing out. There are so many pros and cons to online dating. One of the biggest “pros” is you have an abundance of potentials. Here’s the kicker: one of the biggest “cons” is you’re one of the “abundance” for them.

When taking the online dating adventure, you have to understand you cannot take it personally. We do,I DEFINITELY have, but we need to step back and put things in perspective.  We are engaging in conversations with these people but they don’t know us. And truth be told, even if this was someone you met in real life, exchanged numbers and went your separate ways…at least in my experience, that is no guarantee you’ll hear from them again.

Online dating is looked at as a game of numbers. I’ve met many amazing men online, some I still call friends. While we want to believe there’s a romantic connection just waiting to discover our profile and when they do, they charm us with the goofy humour of Chris O’Dowd while they wear a suit like Daniel Craig. They exude the quiet confidence of Ryan Gosling and have the forearms of Jeremy Renner. And don’t forget the movie star good looks of a young Marlon Brando.

STOP THAT!

STOP THAT!

Get out of your head!  I’ll be the first to say I’ve had pleasant conversations with men online and when it came down to deciding whether I’d like to speak to them again or not, I’ve been the one to “not.”  You can’t pinpoint chemistry even if you think there’s a spark. It has to be two-sided. If the feelings aren’t reciprocated, there’s no one at fault, it’s just not a match.

You’re a beautiful girl. Please don’t think there’s a right or wrong in this and do not EVER think that you’re not getting further with these men because you’re unattractive or whatever other crazy ideas you’re thinking of. It IS unhealthy. I’ve been where you are and I continue to have self-esteem issues I’m working through to this day and they begun loooooooong before online dating sites existed. It feels like a blow to the ego. I mean it HAS to be something we said or did or maybe it’s a photo they saw, riiiiiiiight? There’s NO way this dude isn’t into us. We both saw/loved “High Fidelity” and totally related to the list-making… WE ARE DESTINED. *single blink* It just doesn’t work this way for the majority of us.

I feel both online and in real life connections are about chance not numbers. You have to remember this thing is a game we all play whether we want to admit it or not.  There’s the ones who play dirty, the ones who play safe, the ones who play smart and the ones who don’t play at all. When you don’t play, everyone else around you will be living and you’ll still be looking at yourself in the mirror wondering what’s wrong with you. Throw your hat in the ring because you simply never know how or when you’ll meet someone who WILL put in that effort to make you feel special. If you think the goal of this game is to win or lose then you’re missing the point. This game is about the experience – where you’ll go, how you’ll meet, figuring out what this person will teach you about yourself.  The worst of experiences are always the best lessons. Don’t give up!  And if you feel you’re over online dating the way I have….take a break. Hide your profile for a little while and just see how you feel.

Life’s too short to sweat whether a dude returns a Facebook message. And you’re too awesome to care.

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