Now It’s Time For A Breakdown

Please press play: 

I’ve cracked open a book a few weeks ago called “The New You: Change Your Life In A Month” by Anita Naik. I admittedly bought it awhile ago because it’s hot pink and the image of a Vargas-esque pin-up is on the cover.  But now that I’ve been out of work, eating like a pig (a happy pig) and my lack of a romantic life has taken a turn for the same-as-it-always-is – why not get some reading done while I’m Nikki Newmaning* on my balcony.  *single blink*

*Nikki Newmaning – drinking hard liquors from pretty tumblers with manicured nails and closed eyes (tears not required)

This book breaks things down into four parts: Body, Career, Finance and Relationships. So OBVIOUSLY, I jumped to relationships section and began devouring everything that was said so I could point, laugh and judge all the people who buy into it. But then I got to a part where it asks you to look at your relationship history and see if there’s similarities in the men you’ve dated. Then sh!t got really, really real. When I think of types, I generally think about physical attributes – they’re tall, they’re white, they’re funny, they’re packin’…etc.  But rarely do I think about all the other characteristics that draw me toward a dude, I have but it’s not at the forefront of my mindgrapes.  “Yeah, he’s damaged,” then I laugh it off because who isn’t? Am-I-right? Now, it’s time to really look ALL the aspects because physically, they’re all different – but when we get down to the core of ’em…ugh, they are all the EFFING same.

May I get you one too, you know, before we move on?

I figured so many people have been messaging me about similar issues, why don’t we do this together? Here are the five examples they provide and a description:

1.  IF YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR MEN WHO ‘NEED’ YOU: You’re suffering from Florence Nightingale syndrome and have a deep need to ‘fix’ other people’s lives. This is usually rooted in childhood – look back and identify what it is that makes you want to rescue others over yourself. (I’M GUILTY)

2.  IF YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ATTACHED: If you’ve had a host of married or attached lovers, the chances are you get an ego boost knowing you can tempt them away from their wife or partner. If you want a relationship that works with real intimacy, choose men who are not looking for thrills on the side. This means raising your standards and opting for guys who are available and looking for love. (SUCH AN OFFENDER!)

3.  IF YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR THE BAD GUY: You’re stuck in a teenage mindset where the ‘bad’ guy is always more exciting, sexy and thrilling to be with. Could it be that you’re dating ‘bad’ boys because it’s a way to find your bad side? Break the habit by thinking about what these guys are not bringing to your relationship table.

4.  IF YOU ALWAYS GO FOR THE PERSON WHO PLACES YOU ON A PEDESTAL: This is a low self-esteem issue. If you always choose men who think you’re perfect, it’s akin to having your own cheerleading squad on hand 24 hours a day. The only problem is your time on that pedestal is limited, as you know, and once you fall off you either have to move on or face the real you.

5.  IF YOU ALWAYS GO FOR THE VIOLENT PERSON: Finding yourself with a violent person can often be bad luck, as most violent men are very good at hiding their violent traits in the beginning. However, if you always end up with violent men you need to stop telling yourself you can help them, or stop taking the blame and seek professional help as soon as possible.

There are plenty of other “types” of course, but I mean, the nail was hit on the head twice for me in just these five descriptions (#1 & #2).  GUH!!!  So gross. Well, the next step was to examine what I got out of these relationships and look back in my life to figure out why I’m drawn to/attract these dudes. I sat with it and wrote down the past five guys who made an impact in my life and it was mind-blowing! I strongly suggest doing this because once you pinpoint it, you will see those red flags EVERYWHERE and in all your relationships with your existing friends and potential partners. I also realized I’ve totally pushed men away who were NOT these types. Maybe because I felt I didn’t know my role with them. If they weren’t broken, what the hell am I supposed to do with them? Just be their girl? CRAZY TALK!

I’m not saying I’m cured and will only make sound decisions going forward – I’m the first to tell you I don’t trust my man-deciding skills. At all. Like, AT ALL-at all. If I could only date by friends setting me up with their friends, I would be the happiest fat camper at all-you-can-eat summer camp. For reals. And so begins my road to recognizing the signs and not allowing my everything to disintegrate when something doesn’t work out.

What about you, guys – do any of these five types describe the ones you fall for on a regular basis? Do you know why this is? Do you even care? TELL ME!

Don’t worry, I AM listening.

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6 responses

  1. I was all set to scoff at the “types” and realised that no. 4 hit the nail on the head. The three men I have been the most drawn to initially treated me like I was the most precious creature they had ever encountered. That kind of devotion is so seductive. But when you fall off a pedestal you fall far and hard, and it doesn’t even have to result from anything dramatic; it could be as simple as them realising you’re just human.

    Thank you for posting this.

    • Hi Gemmy – thank YOU for leaving a comment. “…it could be as simple as them realising you’re just human” – PERFECTLY STATED.

      You and I are cut from the same cloth because I was so ready to scoff too, then a truth stares you directly in the face and even you have to admit the truth. Let me know if the next person you deem worthy to spend time with breaks the mould.

      • I certainly will, but I’ve never thought of myself as having self esteem issues so I think I’m going to see how I can figure out what’s going on with that before I even consider who’s out there. Still way too bruised from the last fall.

        By the way, I really appreciate the frank openness of your posts 🙂

      • Self-esteem is a huge issue for me but I’ve ALWAYS known I’ve had issues. Since childhood, it’s a constant battle of putting myself out there and just not letting negativity invade my every thought (it doesn’t work most of the time, but I still fight the fight).

        Take the time you need to get back to good. That’s the ONLY part of it that matters. I hope you keep coming back!!! (Makes me happy that people I don’t even know are reading this blog!)

  2. De-lurking (hi!): Hooo boy I’m #1 and #2 too… I feel useless if there is nothing I can fix about someone but trying to stop that. And I always always fall for friends who are already attached (sigh). I need to get me some better mens (am too scared to dip my toe into internet dating though).

    Funny how you always think those self-help books are cheesy and emotinally vacuous but sometimes they speak the truth! I recently read ‘Dare to Connect’ and at first I thought, whatever, but actually it helped to reveal a lot of things about myself. And it didn’t make me feel abnormal for having low self-esteem, etc. I recommend it to everyone I know.

    P.S. Love your blog, especially Story Time Tuesdays 🙂

    • I am going to check out “Dare to Connect” – I love me a self-help book! (And your comment made my day!!!)

      You and I are cut from the same cloth it seems… I think I’m going to do a whole week of internet dating tips and tricks for those who have never dipped. It is, by no means, for everyone but I think there’s still a stigma attached to it that it doesn’t deserve. Just like IRL situations, there will be hits and misses. The thing about online is that you didn’t waste your time getting dressed up to hit a club you hate, listening to music you hate, staring at people you hate. You can put your best foot forward with your most fun photos (everyone with Facebook has a million favourites), your witty, sarcastic humour in a short profile, while stuffing your face with ice cream and watching your favourite TLC car-wreck of a reality show. You can talk to, or not talk to, as many people as you want.

      It does have it’s pitfalls though…but we’ll see what I come up with.

      (Thank you for reminding me about Story Time Tuesdays – I need to get on more of those!!!)

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