Please press play:
Real talk? Good.
There’s an epidemic that’s getting increasingly worse in my city (and yours!) Single guys and gals are consistently coming up short in the relationship department due to, what seems like, lack of options. In the past few weeks, I’ve had conversations with my single friends and the ones in relationships. The most glaring similarity in both arguments is: the grass is glowing emerald and jade jewel-tones from the other side of our opposing raggedy-ass fences. Why? Because the ones wanting committed relationships seem to be dating ones who don’t. They proceed to date each other for days/weeks/months/however-long-it-takes-to-develop-feelings-for-someone THEN find out neither is on the same page thus damaging those wanting the exclusive status and creating more non-committers once they suffer immense heartbreak. This is the cycle. This is the poison. This is what I’ve dubbed “The Ruining.” Everyone….stop it.
We’ve all had our own trials and tribulations with dating – some have it super easy, dating someone new every dyam night of the week. Sometimes two in the same day! (Full disclosure: I’ve done this ONCE in my life and it was the worst. I would never schedule two dates on the same day ever again. I was an idiot.) These people love this lifestyle and more power to ’em. They don’t want to be tied down and they shouldn’t have to be. They. Enjoy. Being. Single. And for that, they should continue to do what suits them. Then there’s the category I fall into – the late-bloomer, the went-to-prom-aloner, the didn’t-have-a dating-life-until-I-was-in-my-20ser (I’m 30 now), the practiced-kissing-on-my-wall-and-hand-because-there-was-NO-ONEr!!! I HATE being single. I’ve been single the majority of my life. I know how to be independent. I AM a sister doing it for myself. I like my own company. I know myself. Yadda-yadda-yadda, I want the same P in my V, repeatedly, for years to come so stop telling me to enjoy my singlehood. I’ve BEEN enjoying it, if you hate your coupled situation so much why don’t you go back to single status. No one is forcing you to be with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Oh. I thought so. Because the idea of going back into the world o’dating is the worst form of torture this generation has ever seen. As annoying as your partner may be, you’d prefer to keep your head in his nook instead of snuggling with the boyfriend pillow your mom got you as a housewarming gift.
Here’s my situation in a nutshell: I have been on a lot of dates. A LOT. I would say I’ve had one boyfriend (I thought I had one about two years ago – remember STORYTIME TUESDAY guy? Yeah, he instigated “the talk” mere weeks into us dating and I think I was called his “girlfriend” for two weeks before he ended it. Over the phone. From Boston. Without warning. *single blink* I’m chalking that one up to a double black cat crossing in my life a.k.a. a glitch in the Matrix. It wasn’t supposed to happen though it clearly did.) As many dates as I’ve been on, I can honestly say I’ve had “types” of relationships. While I may have been exclusive with them, they were not exclusively dating me. Here are my usual scenarios (and this goes for men met IRL and online – I do not discriminate).
SCENARIO 1 – Booty calls aplenty. My company is good for one thing and one thing only. Because I’m perpetually single, these woodworkian gentlemen hunt me down, friend me up (after disappearing for months/years on end) and expect me to drop trou and present. No.
SCENARIO 2 – Guy appears to be super into me. Several months later, I misread signals such as his caring, his family introductions, consistent sleepovers, animal attraction, gifts, dinners, lazy Sundays together for “this could be more than friendship.” I make the mistake of voicing this. Guy disappears.
There are so many amazing and available single people in our city and yours too, I’m sure. In order to eradicate this contagion, I implore everyone to take these thoughts into consideration:
- Don’t be so scared of not wanting to hear a certain response that you opt to suspend disbelief. It helps no one.
- You are going to feel whatever it is you’re going to feel for someone whenever you’re going to feel them. It may be upon first sight, it may not happen for weeks. FEEL THEM! Fall hard. Yeah, if it doesn’t work out it will be hella painful but at least you were in the moment. Fully.
- Rejection. Means. Nothing. What is the worst possible outcome that could come from being rejected? Oh. I know. You still won’t have his/her number like you didn’t have before you approached them. They still don’t know you. Who cares what they think of you if they aren’t interested. It is THEIR loss. Go for it 100% of the time.
- If you meet someone you click with, do not let workable obstacles dictate your relationship. Be it distance, cultural differences, fashion sense, varying comfort with communication devices, food preferences, etc. If that person means something to you, do not let these things hinder the forward momentum of a potential relationship. Talk them out, see what each is willing to compromise, exhaust all options and only after this is done…make your decision. The person you want to be with may not be in the location or packaged the way you thought they’d be. This is a huge world. The love you deserve may be on the other side of the world and they’re just here for a visit. You owe it to yourself to give potential goodness a chance.
- THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT: to you trick-daddies and sucka DJs (male AND female) who prey on the good because you mistake kindness for weakness or passive-aggressiveness……….stop it. Leave them alone. There is a superficial, swinging crowd of individuals for you to choose from. Corrupt each other. Your insensitivity is poisonous and some of us remain in that cynical vortex of no return. To the lucky few (yours truly included), we wallow for a minute but bounce back with high hopes for our romantic tomorrows.
Boys and girls, remember…when we want to have the *dreaded* talk, stop immediately thinking this:
If you actually listen to our words, you’ll see we’re just looking for a little of this: