Please press play:
This is a real voicemail message (transcribed word for word) I received on January 1, 2011. I was Swinger’d, if you’ve seen the movie …you will understand. My only instruction is to read this entire post out loud for OPTIMAL hilarity. Enjoy!:
“Hi Arianne – it’s <insert his name here> calling. How are you. We met at the thing last night. Happy New Year. I hope you’re well. I hope you slept off the intense hangover from all the Jack Daniels *snickers* Um…anyway. It was really nice meeting, I really liked you. I thought you were really neat. You were definitely the saving grace of the party. When you left it was so boring. Man. Everybody left – not just me. Everybody did after you left. Look at that you killed the party… heh heh heh. Anyway it was really nice meeting you and really hope we do get together for coffee or something. Now I thought that if you were really feeling adventurous we could have lunch. Wouldn’t that be neat? You know, I don’t want to freak you out on a first date so coffee’s ok. Anyway, I would really like to talk to you so I hope you call me back. Um….I….actually remember most of our conversation believe it or not, I really was actually not that drunk. I just was really just spilling my drink on you out of clumsiness. But uh…anyway, I would really like to learn more and uh, give you a chance to know more about me and see if you think I’m cool. And if you don’t wear five-inch heels, you’ll have a better shot *snicker* cuz I can’t wear five-inch heels and get away with it. Anyway, I should leave you my phone number shouldn’t I? I have an unlisted number because I do the EMS stuff and I have a drop-in center for troubled youth so I need my number to be unlisted, um but uh, it doesn’t mean that the people I want to can’t have it. Um….you can pretty much reach me anytime because I don’t sleep and I do weird EMS stuff in the middle of the night. Anyway, whenever. You can call me whenever it doesn’t matter. Um…if I don’t answer leave a message and I’ll give you a call back. My number is <insert his number> , that’s <he says his number again>. Um…and it’s a new phone and I’m not sure if it’s working well or not, whatever. So I’ll say it one more time, <he says his number for the third time>. And it’s <insert his name here> for Arianne. Hope to talk to you soon. I’m going out tonight to a coffee shop near me. Sheesha bar actually. A coffee shop. Doing some drawing; working on some sketches. Um so if you call me in the evening I’ll be around, I can take your call. Um if you do want to come draw, you’re more than welcome. Um…but you have to be able to draw to come otherwise, coffee. *snickers* Anyway, I’ll be out probably from 9 o’clock on until then, I should be available I think. Um and uh…yeah, ok, take care. This is too long a message, isn’t it? <insert his name here>, <his number one more ‘gain>, we met last night. Talk to you soon. Happy New Year.”
…tha f*ck off my phone!
If you’ve never seen “Swingers,” SHAME ON YOU. But this is what I mean by being Swinger’d:
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