I Could Never Be Your Woman

Please press play: 

Some time in late January of 1981, my parents did stuff that spawned me nine months later. When I came out…GOOD LORD, I was black just like them. Cut to two thousand-f*cking-twelve and what I’m about to share with you is full disclosure. You know I’m all up in the online dating world. There are certain times when I’m feeling completely haunted and decide to hear one of these horrible people out – I lead them into a conversation I know will end badly but I just want to see what they’ll say. Call it curiosity, call it boredom.

Here’s my Plenty of Fish “about me” write-up:

“Hello boys! I’m excitable, talkative, sometimes crazy..but you know, in that cute way. Um…what else can I say that has not been said? Nothing. I’m on this site for one reason and one reason only, to discover/be discovered by a man who makes this site unnecessary in my life. Unfortunately with crazy work hours and my own business on the side, I have little time to be as social as I think I need to be to meet someone new. I want you to watch cartoons with me, I want to sleep-in with you, I want to eat copious amounts of bacon with syrup as a snack WITHOUT judgement, you let me wear your dress shirts around the house because it’s better and sexier than any nightgown I may own. 

If you’re someone with a fetish or simply looking for sex, I’m not your girl but I wish you luck. I don’t look down on you for it, it’s just not what I’m about. I do not discriminate against race, so don’t even bring that up either (it’s a turn-off). I’m just a girl looking for a guy to know. A guy to hold hands with, to makeout with and watch sports with.  *WARNING* Don’t be alarmed when you fall for me immediately, it’s no one’s fault”

Now on to the string of messages that made me laugh, then cry, then scream:

                HIM – hi ever been with a white male
  ME – Yup.
  ME – Hahaha I’m assuming you didn’t get through my entire profile to the part of “race.”
  HIM- nice. did u like or
  ME – Did I like? Like what? Men are men.
  HIM – no i did not get to that part in your profile. i have heard diferent things about men
  ME – I see. I guess you could school me more than I could school you. 🙂
  HIM – i do not understand your schooling lesson
  ME –  The point is there isn’t one. I don’t know the differences you speak of but you’re telling me you’ve heard things. So, I’m assuming you can tell me more about the differences in different men than I can.
  HIM – i heard black guys have very large dicks
  ME – I’ve never been with a black man. I have no idea if that’s true.
  HIM -i c. have u only been with white males
  ME – No, not at all., I’ve just never been with a black man. I don’t attract them on the most part. I grew up in a multicultural neighbourhood and school, so I never really noticed any differences. Never been a thing I thought about. Of course, until I begun online dating and that’s the only thing I hear about…haha. But what can you do? Men are going to be curious.
  HIM – k. so which race would say is the best
ME – What about this are you not getting? I don’t live my life or base any potential relationships based on a race I find better than the other. I am black. That would be slightly ironic, wouldn’t it? I think men who are witty and passionate and tall and ambitious and have a great appetite are who I’m drawn to the most. The colour of their skin does not ever play a factor. Ever.

Good luck on your search – knowing that you didn’t read my profile is kind of disheartening. That’s the whole point of the site. And if you did, you’d understand why this whole conversation has left me disappointed. Take care, you’re a super cute guy. I’m sure you don’t me to wish you luck.
The ‘race war’ conversations I’ve been in lately have been far too frequent. Hell, the fact that ‘race wars’ are still a thing is beyond shocking! What it comes down to (I sound like a broken record – AND I DON’T MEAN BECAUSE VINYL IS BLACK) is this guy didn’t write me because he’s interested in me, the person. This man, this Jacques Cousteau of race relations, wanted to deep dive into the things he’s heard about “the others.” Obviously as a black, I can clear up any and all questions he might have about all blacks and any other race because each race is the same unto their own, right?! GUYS, there are people in this world who walk around with this man’s mentality! They think one race has to be better or worse than another just because. Liiiiiiiiiiike, think about that for a second. Even if you’ve never experienced any form of racism in your life, but you have a brain cell, this needs to blow that single cell right from your skull. This guy’s black so he’s hung like three loads of last night’s coloured laundry and well, that makes him better than the whites. Must. *single blink* HOW IS THIS LOGICAL THOUGHT?!
Last time I checked I had a beautiful glass container in my bathroom full of cotton balls I didn’t pick m’damn self in a field. This signifies that times have changed. World, be better.

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