Please press play:
I am not a violent person…anymore (we don’t discuss that time in my past). BUT I think anyone who knows me would not deny that I’m abrasive. I will Brillo the hell out of you and feel absolutely no way. My beigest**cousin bought me a bracelet for my 30th birthday engraved with the word “RUDE” and I wear it erryday. Truer words have never been spoken. So how do you think I reacted when a man I was seeing decided it was his business…….to check…..MY BlackBerry…..OUT OF CURIOSITY?!
I was so close to throwing ‘bows in his face until he eventually resembled Eric Stoltz AS Rocky Dennis!
Here’s how things unfolded: he invited himself over for our second date where he would make me dinner (nachos). At one point, I excused myself from the kitchen to empty my bladder elsewhere. I returned to find dinner in the oven and him relaxing on my couch. I joined him in front of the TV and I noticed that intoxicating red light going off on my phone. It was on vibrate so I never heard it ring. I had a missed call from the man sitting beside me. The conversation was as follows:
Me: Did you call me?
Me: Hahaha – why? You’re already here.
(Okay, now EFFING wait for it!!!!!)
Him: Well, I wanted to see how you stored me in your phone.
Me: *single blink multiplied by a roundhouse kick* Pardon?
Him: I didn’t know your phone was locked so I called it to see how you saved my name. But it says “Idiot McTrustbreaker”** so no worries. *his arm goes around my shoulders as he relaxes into the couch*
NO WORRIES?!?! I will stab somebody. Word to the wise, girls and boys, never EVER touch anyone else’s phone, purse, wallet, etc. until your place in their life is established. Do you know what isn’t an established place in my life? The 2nd date where he infiltrated m’damn space and expected a chick like me to be dinner-satisfied with a plate of nachos with too many tomatoes! Tomatoes he tried to feed me as he cut them up…like this was a movie scene where I’m swooning over him making me dinner. THEY WERE ROTTEN!
Anyhow, where are the boundaries? What else did he look at/in while I was out of the room? I don’t have a hidden box of human index fingers; one from each man who crossed my path. Why couldn’t he just ask me if this was a legitimate concern – isn’t that common sense? I have zero to hide and my trust in him didn’t just fade, it was damn near eclipsed by my anger. This may seem petty or materialistic but this wouldn’t have made it to a blog post if he seemed a little bit sorry. Who tries to unlock someone’s phone? What about that plan seemed like a good idea? Even if he didn’t understand why I was upset, he should’ve just said, “my bad” and kept his arm to himself.
Needless to say, I let another potential life partner get away.
**I call my cousin “beige” because that’s the exact tone of her skin
**name has been changed to protect his identity