Rock You!

Picture this: Bloor & Bathurst. Summer of 2010 (I think.)

I had agreed to meet up with a Plenty of Fish date and it just so happened to be on the day of a blackout.  Temperatures soared and not much was happening on the Bloor strip.  He was coming from Spadina and I was coming from Bathurst so we decided to walk on the same side of the street until we met in the middle.  When I hit Spadina, and I was still by my damn self, *single blink* I decided to give him a little ringy-ding on the ol’ Smartphone to see where he was.  Lo and behold he was at Bathurst.  Obviously this date was starting out as any girl would hope.

I’m black (did you know this?), so my skin is an instant conductor of heat. Put me in a non-breathable material, walking directly inna the sun, up and down the street, WITH a weave in my head and what do you get? You get a Suntot. Yes, from the Smoggies!  Needless to say, we agreed to meet in front of the only bar that seemed to be serving during this blackout/heat attack.  (Now, normally I would describe what he looked like and how I felt the first time we looked at each other and all of that first impression jazz.  You will realize why this makes NO difference by the conclusion of this fantastic tale.)

This is me when I'm overheated during the weave months.

Now,  here’s how it all went down:

  • We walk in together as he asks me if I’d like a drink (20 seconds)
  • Using my weave as a Sham-wow across my brow, I let him know a cold drink would be the best idea in the world.  (5 seconds)
  • I order a gin & tonic, he orders WHO THE HELL CARES (7 seconds)
  • Bartender turns around to make the drinks (2 seconds)
  • He huddles close to me and with the straightest of faces and the foulest of breaths says, “So…we should play rock, paper, scissors for first round, ya?” (5 seconds)
  • I chuckle and playfully touch him on the shoulder (1 second)
  • He huddles even closer to my face, eyes darting to the bartender who is still preparing the drinks, “Ya???” (0.5 seconds)
  • Bartender brings the drinks back to us and asks “together or separate?,” I glance at the drinks and at his hand already in “rock” position – ready to throw down (5-7 seconds)
  • I smile and say to him, “Don’t even worry about.”  Left a $10 bill on the bar and walked out (THE SPEED OF LIGHT)
Now, let me be perfectly clear. I never expect anyone to pay for anything I ever do. But seriously, dude…you can’t even suggest going dutch? He didn’t even have the audacity to chuckle a little bit after asking. I was actually going to offer to pay for the drinks which is the completely messed up part.  But the huddling, the closeness, the breath, my weave…Calgon, take me as far away as you can on your wings of glory. All in all, the entire situation that lasted less than 5 minutes just struck me the wrong way.  I didn’t even want to know any more about him. I’m sure he’s a sweet guy and I may have let my soulmate get away over a badly-timed RPS challenge. I’ve been to the Rock|Paper|Scissors Championships – I WILL END YOU. I just couldn’t shake the red alert that blared in my ears because I’ve been in this position before. Hundreds of dollars later, I’m broke and the man’s belly is full. Not on my watch. So I guess if you’re looking for a couple of free drinks, ask me out in a heatwave and then challenge me to a push-up contest.  I’ll probably leave you my credit card.
Please press play:

4 responses

  1. I can’t believe this stuff ACTUALLY happens to you. You need a camera crew following you 24/7. To clarify, I don’t doubt that it does. I just think I’d be one hell of a show! lol

  2. Holy eff. I’ve had similar dates, though not during a blackout and heatwave. Awful. You deffos made the right decision!!! I lol’d mainly at the way you put it all together. The descriptiveness, the wording – Looove.

  3. Pingback: That’s Not My Name! (Yeah, I Know…) | Single Blink

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