If you know me in ‘real-life’ or follow me on Twitter (@bettykiss), you know my favourite cartoons. I love them with such a specific intensity and focused energy you’d think I watched them to survive. The oldies, the newbies and everything in between are in constant rotation in my household. So much so that I’ve developed feelings for many of the male characters over the years. Here are my Top 3 Toon Crushes and who I think they’d be in real-life:
#1) Optimus Prime is my dream man-bot. I’ve had my crush on him longer than any real boy in this world. His primary-coloured armour is simple and understated; he’s ready for any occasion be it Decepticon attack or leisurely drive on the I-90. His voice (Peter Cullen) is what my dreams are made of. I get goosebumps every time he speaks; leading the Autobots heroically into battle and always maintaining control. I never realized how emotionally invested I was in him until he died in 1986. Imagine a five year old me completely gutted because the only thing I’d ever given my heart to had been killed in front of millions and I wasn’t old enough to see it for myself. BEST MOVIE EVER! I will never be ashamed of my love for this mighty machine.
#2) Sterling Archer is probably the sexiest male cartoon that’s ever graced the small screen. Voiced by H. Jon Benjamin (Dr. Katz, Bob’s Burgers), he is the world’s greatest secret agent according to himself. Vanity? CHECK! He works for ISIS (International Secret Intelligence Service), an agency run by his mother. Momma’s Boy? CH-CHECK! His ex-girlfriend and partner at ISIS, Lana Kane, is black. *single blink* Archer’s down with the swirl, y’all. TRIPLE CHECK! He’s a womanizer so obviously I’m attracted to him and I’m not the only one! He’s the perfect addition to my ever-growing list of gut-instinct-failed-objects-of-desire. I’d love him, he’d ask for all of my friend’s numbers. Match made in heaven!
3) Forsythe P. Jones III aka Jughead is known for his ability to consume unusually high quantities of food in a single sitting without getting sick or gaining weight (although he sometimes sports a potbelly after particularly large meals). Nothing more needs to be said. I’m already choosing our China patterns.
To all the male characters in toonland – I love you and thank you for keeping me a child at heart. A child with lusty, lusty thoughts.