Please press play:
How I get THIS lucky is beyond my comprehension. Here is another man who did his post-grad in Woo-nomics:
“Hey there, would you be interested in joining me and one of my girlfriends for a fun time? Let me know.”
So I’m like…
Me?!!!!!!!
*single blink*
tha f*ck out of here.
Please press play:
Probably one of my favourite messages I’ve ever received and it came in last night:
“After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you
know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.
Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories… you will always have a
special place in my heart.
your ex-hubby,
U
p.s. – You can keep the beach house in Florida as long as I can have the dog and
my CD’s back.”
I would NEVER give up the music. *single blink* Know this, future ex-husbands.
(P.S. Guy Garvey is perfection!)
Please press play:
Oh, that’s right. Because I want kids someday. SMH. Read on…
RECEIVED ON POF TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2012
“You are awesome. I am forty – that’s nearly a decade (oh god) older than you (which is obviously no problem for me – in fact, it is quite spectacular but on your end a decade) and I don’t want kids so no fit. But you caught my eye. Then, of course, checked you out and you are just awesome. Every funky detail.Not only did I want to meet you but I actually felt a jolt of joy in seeing the joy you possess in your photos and I like everything about your profile so I thought I would drop you a line anyway. Not to flirt (but I imagine you must be great at flirting and bantering) but just to tell you – well, as I said, you come across like awesome sauce.
Per your profile – a roadtrip with a purpose is a trip to go see your parents. All roadtrips should be just because. hell, everything shoud be.
Love the skynyrd vest.
Anyway awesome sauce (that’s your new name), never stop smiling (even at funerals – it’s that good of a smile), never wear long skirts – even in winter (it would be wrong with those legs), and don’t ever lose that joy that radiates from you.
Good luck.”
While I completely agree I would not be suitable for someone who doesn’t see children in his future…COME ON!!! Imagine, me…little ol’ date-and-love-challenged me, receiving this message from a boy without the “no kids” part. Whatta concept!!! Can’t I just have that? This dude is handsome, can string a sentence together and can see the “joy that radiates from” me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s his loss. I got it.
I’m over it.
*single blink*
**IMPORTANT REMINDER**Tomorrow, I’ll be attending 25Dates.com’s RED, HOT & BLUE charity speed-dating event. The official hashtag is #RedHotBlue and you can follow me on Twitter (@bettykiss) ‘cuz I’ll be tweeting the whole thing!
Please press play:
JUST RECEIVED (obviously back online again):
“Hey baby girl i’ve got an unusal request it definitly intels getting to know you and i hope you are interessted but i am locked up right now, I may be out in a couple months, i’ve been in for 17 months and i don’t have a computer i have someone messaging over the phone for me but i would like to get to know you a little more directly so if you have a PObox number and feel like writing i will write to you or a land line that i can call you collect on after 6.”
He’s fine though. *single blink* Just saying…
Please press play:
I’ve disabled and hidden all of my online dating accounts. Don’t get excited, I haven’t been scooped up nor have I set my sights on another. Je suis très fatiguée. I think it’s always good to step back from that world every so often. You ride so many highs and lows when your profile is viewed aplenty but with very little ROI.
I’m on a timeout.
In doing this, it got me thinking. It got me thinking so deep, yo. I think the singles in my age group (Target market? Demographic? Peers?) are clearly and severely divided into two groups and ONLY two groups. These two groups see the exact same situation in completely different lights.
THE GENERAL SITUATION
Life is short.
Group #1
In the hustle and bustle of everything that surrounds us: family, friends, careers, sex, finance, travel, shelter, etc., things need to get done before “settling down” is even an option. There’s so much to see!!! There are so many men (and women or both) to do before it’s too late!!! The maximum amount of fun and experiences must be had before anything else can be considered because once it’s gone…it’s gone. Insert Sam Kinison scream here. *single blink*
Group #2 (this is where I live, y’all)
In the hustle and bustle of everything that surrounds us: family, friends, careers, sex, finance, travel, shelter, etc., we realize that time is passing us by. We’re watching friends get engaged, married, have a kid…or maybe two! All of a sudden, that other stuff doesn’t matter as much – I don’t care how big my place is, I don’t need to impress anyone. I don’t care which party I’m invited to, it’s all the same places and faces, isn’t it? I would rather have the next 50 years dedicated to the man I love and the hockey team my uterus allows me to birth. I would rather experience my travels with them, build memories with them, make a home with them, spend my money on them. I don’t consider this “settling down” – this concept doesn’t scare me, it keeps hope alive in my black heart (non-racial reference, I legitimately believe the heart in my chest resembles coal or is blacker than a black man’s cape).
Now, how did my disabling of my online dating profiles bring me to these conclusions? Well…it absolutely boggles my mind that there are still men (and I’m sure women, I just don’t see those profiles) who indicate they are “not looking for a relationship or commitment of any kind.” This is an actual option you can choose on Plenty Of Fish. It is their prerogative to choose this option, they can use the site for whatever connection they decide to make. But to get real-real-real-real-real-real-REAL-real with you – there are SO many! How am I and everyone else in Group #2 such a minority in this world. My friends are engaged, married, pregnant. So there ARE men and women out there, on the regular, totally seeking relationships or a commitment of some kind. So how…in the ACTUAL F*CK…am I only surrounded in the real world and online by men who are looking for one thing and one thing only…and it’s not even my sweet, delectable V? HOW? HOOOOOOOW?
Well, I don’t have the answer to this. But you can see how my mind works and now I’m off the sites for a few months to just ease the pressure in my mindgrapes because I can’t even with this anymore. Cannot. Even.
And for those commenters who are going to leave a comment, be advised: I will not meet anyone now that I’m not looking. Trust me on this one, I’m not being negative – that’s just not how the fates have designed my life. And that’s lucky for you and this blog.
Please press play:
Sometimes I crack myself up and here’s how – my latest message received on POF:
“Hi If the idea of and older yet attractive and pleasing male slowly tasting and licking your warm, moist _____ is a turn on then defenitely say hello 
“
My response:
“Actually that sounds amazing, but that’s how you spelled ‘definitely.’ Byeeeeeeeee!”
Get out.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha…. *inhale* BAAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA…..heh heh…….h….ahem.
I’ll be alone forever. *single blink*
Please press play:
JUST RECEIVED:
“Hi there.
I just wanted to apologise for my lack of talkativeness the other night. I’d had a rather busy day, and I guess I was just getting run down. I sort of fell asleep… I honestly didn’t mean to ignore you or anything.
There’s something about your profile that caught my interest. You sound like fun. You seem to have a good attitude. You look incredibly cute in glasses. See… It’s hard to pinpoint. All I know is that I’d like to spend some time getting to know you good and proper-like.
So if you’re up for giving a somewhat shy guy another shot, I’d be quite happy to hear back from you. Assuming, of course, that you’re as friendly as that gorgeous smile says you are.”
This is a totally sweet message, right? RIGHT?!??!!?!?!
Here’s the kicker: WE NEVER EVER SPOKE BEFORE!!!!
Call them. *single blink* Call them now.
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DISCLAIMER: These suggestions are for those hoping for more than just someone to bang their brains successfully out of their ears. If you just want sex, then continue with your half-naked photos and avoidable spelling mistakes. You’ll do just fine!
I probably change my dating profiles more often than the average bear, because I can and because I get bored OFTEN. But I think Plenty Of Fish needs to pay me for the amount of help I give the men on their site. You see, every once in a while, my updates include tips to men on how to improve their own profiles. This time it seemed to resonate even more with the lads. I have been receiving non-stop messages asking me to review their current profiles and break down how to improve them. I’ve received a ridiculous amount of “thank yous” in the past 24 hours for something I assumed would be common sense for anyone venturing into the world of internet dating. While only men can see my profile, this works both ways – ladies, step your game up too. Here’s what’s on my profile now:
“Gentlemen…..oh gentlemen of Plenty of fish. Let me just explain something to you about online dating and the trap almost ALL of you seem to be falling in.
If you are utilizing a dating website to broaden your horizons (dating IS a numbers game), then you cannot begin all of your profiles with, “I don’t really know what to say” or “I don’t want to give everything away in a profile” OR “Let’s save something for the date.” And here is why:
You’ve all had a plethora of years to live life and establish yourselves as human beings. You’ve had more life experiences than you could ever share with another person IN an actual lifetime. If the information you decide to share on your online dating profile is the only info you have and there’s a legitimate fear you won’t have anything to discuss on a first date, then dudes, there’s a MUCH larger issue here.
I mean, what if you hit it off with the lady? That means you’ll have to go on another date and you’ve already told her everything on your first date. Do you note my sarcasm? Do you now see how ludicrous your concerns are about sharing too much information? It’s a site. It’s basically window-shopping for dates – we browse, we stop when we find something that pleases our eyes, we go in and take a look around to see if it’s as good up close as it is from the window…then we either take it to the register or put it back on the rack.
If writing isn’t your strong suit, lead with that. Be honest. That’s more charming and genuine than thinking your photos alone are going to sway the vote one way or another. Just breezily note what you’re looking for, what kind of dude you are and I don’t know…a hobby you’re super into. That’s it. It’s SO easy. Just a tip from someone who is reading A LOT of the same thing. It’s not cute, it’s not original. Be yourself, trust me…that speaks volumes!
(Please note: this also goes for “Profession.” If you state “have one” or “it’s legal” or “yes” beside that field, just stop it. Why is there secrecy around what you do? If someone is going to judge you for being white-collar, blue-collar or no collar at all…then you shouldn’t want that chick anyway.)
Good luck, fellas!”
So if you’ve been thinking about joining a free or paid dating site, just take the damn time to put in a bit of effort. If you’re not serious about it, then you can’t be discouraged when you’re not getting the replies or attention you desire. And if you’re too uncomfortable divulging general information, then don’t online date. I mean, seriously, if you’re in the Witness Protection Program or something else super-secretive then…get offline. They’re definitely coming to get you. Watch yourself!
*single blink*
Please press play:
On this episode of “WTF Plenty Of Fish Messages,” I present this:
“Hun, nice legs, is pick too xoxo want to chat.I love big thing’ too!”
*single blink* WHAT DO I EVEN SAY TO THIS? Oh, I know….
Please press play:
Am I wrong or did it feel like this message when from 0 to 60 within a sentence or two?
“Hi sweetie, how are you doing? I just came across your profile that kinda piqued my interest so i decided to wait a couple minute
to drop you a few lines that indeed express the genuine interest and admiration i have for you. In short, i’d say i’ve got a big crush
on you. Your incredibly amazing smile is so majical and uplifting. Hmmm can i say i have found my angel? I’d really want to know
you beyond your outward beauty. Anyway, you are sweet. I’ll be expecting to hear from you soon.“
*single blink*
