On To The Next One

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I can’t tell you how excited I was to receive an email from a reader I don’t actually know. Then, I read this email and felt complete sympathy for what she’s been going through re: online dating because we all know, I have been here, there and errywhere.  I asked her if she’d mind if I posted her email because I’m sure men and women have experienced this and we can all join in the conversation, share our stories and give her some hope.

From Anonymous:

Hey,

So I recently joined OKCupid and am having the worst time. First, a lot of the guys aren’t amazing (which, I’m sure you’ve noticed) but THEN when I find a guy I’m remotely interested in, we chat.. and chat.. and then nothing. Sometimes I ask for a Facebook add. Then we do. Then sometimes a message or two. Then nothing.

 

I really don’t think I’m doing anything wrong since there’s not much space for me to even start to really make any mistakes, since we only chat for two/three days and send a few messages and it’s always light hearted and fun. 

 

I don’t get it! It’s starting to make me self conscious about how I look (I was fine with how I looked prior to this, as much as one could be I suppose) or how I converse  All sorts of crazy stupid things I don’t really think is healthy. 

 

Help!

First of all, darling, shut down any and all feelings of self-consciousness right now. Blinkers, I’ve seen this gal’s photo and she’s a stunner. Anyone who isn’t smart enough to take things to the next level, meaning an actual date, is the one missing out. There are so many pros and cons to online dating. One of the biggest “pros” is you have an abundance of potentials. Here’s the kicker: one of the biggest “cons” is you’re one of the “abundance” for them.

When taking the online dating adventure, you have to understand you cannot take it personally. We do,I DEFINITELY have, but we need to step back and put things in perspective.  We are engaging in conversations with these people but they don’t know us. And truth be told, even if this was someone you met in real life, exchanged numbers and went your separate ways…at least in my experience, that is no guarantee you’ll hear from them again.

Online dating is looked at as a game of numbers. I’ve met many amazing men online, some I still call friends. While we want to believe there’s a romantic connection just waiting to discover our profile and when they do, they charm us with the goofy humour of Chris O’Dowd while they wear a suit like Daniel Craig. They exude the quiet confidence of Ryan Gosling and have the forearms of Jeremy Renner. And don’t forget the movie star good looks of a young Marlon Brando.

STOP THAT!

Get out of your head!  I’ll be the first to say I’ve had pleasant conversations with men online and when it came down to deciding whether I’d like to speak to them again or not, I’ve been the one to “not.”  You can’t pinpoint chemistry even if you think there’s a spark. It has to be two-sided. If the feelings aren’t reciprocated, there’s no one at fault, it’s just not a match.

You’re a beautiful girl. Please don’t think there’s a right or wrong in this and do not EVER think that you’re not getting further with these men because you’re unattractive or whatever other crazy ideas you’re thinking of. It IS unhealthy. I’ve been where you are and I continue to have self-esteem issues I’m working through to this day and they begun loooooooong before online dating sites existed. It feels like a blow to the ego. I mean it HAS to be something we said or did or maybe it’s a photo they saw, riiiiiiiight? There’s NO way this dude isn’t into us. We both saw/loved “High Fidelity” and totally related to the list-making… WE ARE DESTINED. *single blink* It just doesn’t work this way for the majority of us.

I feel both online and in real life connections are about chance not numbers. You have to remember this thing is a game we all play whether we want to admit it or not.  There’s the ones who play dirty, the ones who play safe, the ones who play smart and the ones who don’t play at all. When you don’t play, everyone else around you will be living and you’ll still be looking at yourself in the mirror wondering what’s wrong with you. Throw your hat in the ring because you simply never know how or when you’ll meet someone who WILL put in that effort to make you feel special. If you think the goal of this game is to win or lose then you’re missing the point. This game is about the experience – where you’ll go, how you’ll meet, figuring out what this person will teach you about yourself.  The worst of experiences are always the best lessons. Don’t give up!  And if you feel you’re over online dating the way I have….take a break. Hide your profile for a little while and just see how you feel.

Life’s too short to sweat whether a dude returns a Facebook message. And you’re too awesome to care.

It’s Over

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We’ve come to the end of my Top Don’ts for online dating profiles. It’s over…finally! The last two DON’Ts can be combined: #2 - DON’T send basic/crazy messages and #1 - DON’T wait to be contacted, instigate conversation.

It cannot be stated any more simply. Say more than “hi” or “yo” when you instigate conversation. Oh yeah….AND INSTIGATE CONVERSATION.  Do you know how many times I’ve begun conversations with someone and they’ve told me they’ve viewed my profile several times but never found it in them to write? Whatisthat? Whatdoesthatmean? Whydoyouexist? BYE! *single blink*

Friends, this online dating thing is not rocket science. As fun as this list was to compile, online dating has actually proven to be better for me than meeting someone in real life. I’ve met men I would never have met otherwise and some of them are still my friends after dates from years ago. While that’s not the happy ending I still dream about, it’s still a damn fine story and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

If you’re thinking about joining a dating site and you want some personal advice, don’t hesitate to message me. I have more knowledge than I ever knew. If you’re perfectly content dating the way you’ve always dated, then I wish you nothing but luck.

Good Morning!

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The Morning Show

Catch me and all my Single Blink-Realness on Global’s The Morning Show THIS Friday, November 23rd between 8:15-8:30am (date and time is subject to change but I’ll keep you posted if it does). I’ll be chatting about my blog and giving my list of “DON’Ts” in order to have a successful online dating profile.

I’m nervous as heck and have no idea if my patented *single blink* will translate through the airwaves if I’m asked to demonstrate. I’m so honoured for this invitation because this blog is something I’m really proud of, and all of this before Single Blink is even a year old.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS!

Into The Void

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Guys, I should be happy. Over the moon actually, but for some reason, I’m finding zero solace in this new information about my online dating life. Let me explain (this won’t take long at all).

The majority of messages I’m receiving online are not to get to know me more but to let me know I shouldn’t be on the site because “there’s no way I have trouble dating.”

The majority of non-verbal feedback I’m receiving from IRL fellas is they aren’t interested in me for one reason or another. Like I said, a conversation never occurs because they don’t speak to me on the most part.

*single blink*

So what kind of fresh hell is this? I’m too much for online but not much enough for real-life? Where the hell am I supposed to find the happy medium? *licks tip of pen and begins letters to prison inmates*

Dear Big Daddy…

Go Deep

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I’ve disabled and hidden all of my online dating accounts. Don’t get excited, I haven’t been scooped up nor have I set my sights on another. Je suis très fatiguée. I think it’s always good to step back from that world every so often. You ride so many highs and lows when your profile is viewed aplenty but with very little ROI.

I’m on a timeout.

In doing this, it got me thinking. It got me thinking so deep, yo. I think the singles in my age group (Target market? Demographic? Peers?) are clearly and severely divided into two groups and ONLY two groups. These two groups see the exact same situation in completely different lights.

THE GENERAL SITUATION

Life is short.

Group #1

In the hustle and bustle of everything that surrounds us: family, friends, careers, sex, finance, travel, shelter, etc., things need to get done before “settling down” is even an option. There’s so much to see!!! There are so many men (and women or both) to do before it’s too late!!! The maximum amount of fun and experiences must be had before anything else can be considered because once it’s gone…it’s gone. Insert Sam Kinison scream here. *single blink*

Group #2 (this is where I live, y’all)

In the hustle and bustle of everything that surrounds us: family, friends, careers, sex, finance, travel, shelter, etc., we realize that time is passing us by. We’re watching friends get engaged, married, have a kid…or maybe two! All of a sudden, that other stuff doesn’t matter as much – I don’t care how big my place is, I don’t need to impress anyone. I don’t care which party I’m invited to, it’s all the same places and faces, isn’t it? I would rather have the next 50 years dedicated to the man I love and the hockey team my uterus allows me to birth. I would rather experience my travels with them, build memories with them, make a home with them, spend my money on them. I don’t consider this “settling down” – this concept doesn’t scare me, it keeps hope alive in my black heart (non-racial reference, I legitimately believe the heart in my chest resembles coal or is blacker than a black man’s cape).

Now, how did my disabling of my online dating profiles bring me to these conclusions? Well…it absolutely boggles my mind that there are still men (and I’m sure women, I just don’t see those profiles) who indicate they are “not looking for a relationship or commitment of any kind.” This is an actual option you can choose on Plenty Of Fish. It is their prerogative to choose this option, they can use the site for whatever connection they decide to make. But to get real-real-real-real-real-real-REAL-real with you – there are SO many! How am I and everyone else in Group #2 such a minority in this world. My friends are engaged, married, pregnant. So there ARE men and women out there, on the regular, totally seeking relationships or a commitment of some kind. So how…in the ACTUAL F*CK…am I only surrounded in the real world and online by men who are looking for one thing and one thing only…and it’s not even my sweet, delectable V? HOW? HOOOOOOOW?

Well, I don’t have the answer to this. But you can see how my mind works and now I’m off the sites for a few months to just ease the pressure in my mindgrapes because I can’t even with this anymore. Cannot. Even.

And for those commenters who are going to leave a comment, be advised: I will not meet anyone now that I’m not looking. Trust me on this one, I’m not being negative – that’s just not how the fates have designed my life. And that’s lucky for you and this blog.

He Will Give Me A Taste I Will Feel In My Cheeks

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From a 19 year old suitor on OK Cupid:

“Just wanted to say I find you very attractive. If I got to know you, I would invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull you close and whisper in your ear “I have a swanson tv dinner in the freezer with your name on it” and then I would proceed to fill a wine glass with welch’s grape juice.”

I only have one thing to say to this: SOMEONE’S BEEN READING MY DIARY!!! Let’s do this thing!  I mean, ahem… *single blink*

Let’s Get Married

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I’m sometimes SO touched by an online message that I want all of my loved ones to be a part of what I’m sure will be the beginning of a long and joyous union.

“Nice guns by the way, legs too.  My name is D***********.  I hope you have a great rest of your day.”

*single blink*

It’s Easy Like A Sunday Morning

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OK Cupid Message:

“To bad i do not live in tronto but so life goes good luck in your search like you will need it lol but if you ever get board & would like to chat look me up .”

*single blink*

Leave Me Alone

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“Betty Blinks.

Jack seems to blink alot less when looking at Betty’s photos !!! LOL.

Your sweet Betty. Do you look away from the camera because your shy ? humble ? modest ?

All of the above ? LOL.

What an exilerating rush it would be to spend a lunch with such a beauty.

It would be so fun to serenade you with my acoustic guitar.

I would have so much fun singing romantic blues songs to you while you blushed and looked down.

It would be cute.

My sister lives near Eglington and Allen. My car broke down and while I waited to have it fixed I played my resonator acoustic in this big mall for at least 3 hours. It was cool. People didn’t know what to make of me, this white guy smokin’ the blues. a few stopped to chat. It was fun.

Peace Beautiful Lady.

Jack”

Really? Eglington [sic] and Allen? For those who don’t know, Allen Road is basically the dividing line between what would be considered Little Jamaica (West of the Allen) and Forest Hill (wealthier, Jewish neighbourhood, East of the Allen). *single blink* Are you with me now? Do you see where he’s going with this broken down automobile story? I guarantee his car broke down closer to the West than to the East, therefore I must totally understand and gush at the fact that “this white guy is smokin’ the blues.” Seriously? I know he’s not typing this with any negative connotation, it’s just the biggest turn-off for someone to try to connect on an “ethnic” level when it’s unnecessary. It leads me to believe that’s all they see. I may be completely off base (TRUST – I’m not off base), but it doesn’t change how it feels to read this stuff.

I have only one question for Mr. Jack: How dare you.

Nevermind. I can’t.

Why?

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He initiates:

“Hello…! Sry for the lack of conversation, but i think you know why…, you’ll look at my pics then maybe read my profile…then just 
then maybe you will respond… if you like……then you’ll respond…so heres me waiting for a response to get a conversation 
started..!

Take care!”

*single blink* Did he…did he ask me something?

Everything I wanted to do after reading this message can only be described as a 90′s ‘angelfiresque‘ webpage-type blind rage:

WHY?!

FINISH HIM!

FATALITY!