Please press play:
Let me paint you a picture…
I’ve been asked out on a date by a very charismatic suitor. And this ain’t just any date, my friends. He is going to take…me…out, Franz Ferdinand styles. I was promised the 4 Ds: Drinks, Dinner, Dessert and Dancing. This date has me puuuumped uuuuup! I know I can’t be out all night long but hell…as long as I stick to my itinerary I will make the most of the time we have together. Let’s go over the list:
- Leave the office promptly at 5:30PM EST; travel home (40 mins)
- Call date to confirm meeting place & time. Leave voicemail. Worry. (5-10 mins)
- Arrive home and select outfit for date – keep it colourful and fun! Remember Ari, you’re a delight. (15 mins)
- MAKE A MAD DASH INTO THE SHOWER – SOAP/SCRUB/SHAVE EVERYTHING!!! (45-60 BLOODCLOT mins)
- Double-check all body parts are shiny and smooth (5 secs)
- Lotion, baby oil, wait, repeat – ashy always comes back. (7 mins)
- Put on selected outfit. (5 mins)
- Remove outfit and change aggressively into something else. (2 mins)
- Jacket, cab fare, SCANDAL BAG, BREAK-OUT THE FRONT DOOR (0.5 secs)
I arrive at the destination, sit at the bar and receive a text message: Something came up. Hope this got you in time. TTYL.
It’s my own fault, really. But maaaaan, all I can do is curse him FOREVER for making me waste a good bathing. I HATE THAT! Am I the only one? *single blink*
"Everything you done to me, already done to you."
