Another One Bites The Dust

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I MADE IT TO A SECOND DATE LAST WEEK, FRIENDS!!  But on Saturday he disappeared into thin air. I’m not exaggerating. I literally have no idea where he is or where…he is. *single blink* He just stopped communicating so I surgically removed him and any trace of him from my phone. Obviously, this got me goin’ deep again. Maybe I need to redefine what I think success is in the world of dating.

My new words to live by:

And I’m fixin’ to Popeye the hell outta of my life. (toot! toot!)

**UPDATE** As soon as I scheduled this to post – he reappeared! Reappeared in text form at 1AM. I know it’s him because it’s just a series of numbers I don’t recognize in my phone because I deleted his rass as I said above (“rass” is patois for “ass,” “backside,” “butt,” “behind” – you get it now). His message was “We can.” You see, I was the last person to send a message on the weekend and received absolutely no response. Today I sent him a text simply saying I would prefer him to just let me know if we were or were not going to hang out as scheduled today (Wednesday), as we planned last week. I’m assuming that is what the “We can” is answering. Let me break this down for you:

This situation went from him sending me sweet-nothings about being on his mind all day long, pushing our second date up a day early, ‘good morning’ messages, ‘good night’ messages, looking so forward to date #3 to watch the premiere of a show that he exclaimed, “This is our first show together!”   Then radio silence. I like to give blokes the benefit of the doubt because you really don’t know what happens in someone’s life – lost a phone, unexpected travel, family or friend tragedy, whatever.  But since he somehow left this earth after that “our show” conversation, I wanted to cut him some slack. So we went from  the excitement of “our first show” to “We can.”  Computer says no, big poppa. My response, you’re wondering? Here it is: “It’s all good, <insert name here>. But thanks for getting back to me. Good luck with everything.”  He did not respond back and he will not. You can say I’m being unreasonable, you can say I’m being too hard on the dude, but trust me, I just let him off the hook. He lost interest for whatever his reasons may be and that’s fine but man up and don’t go from messaging always to ignoring me. I’m unemployed with nothing on my schedule and no kids and I STILL don’t have time to waste on oxygen thieves.

The wind is strong and taking me to new worlds and new civilizations, kids. I’m boldly going where I have NEVER gone before and you have to work hard as hell to earn a spot on my ship. Call me Captain Cutthroat, y’heard?

Thinkin’ Bout You

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And now for your Monday Morning Mindblast (at least it was for me as I sat reminiscing about boys of old into the wee hours of Sunday *single blink*).  This is an old story that’s been told several ways, for some reason it hit me differently this time around. Sometimes you reach a point in life when a moral stabs you directly in the chest like John . If you find yourself in a vicious dating cycle with the wrong people (whether you want to admit it out loud or not), really think about this. Does it apply to you the way it hella does to me?

THE SCORPION AND THE FROG

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, “How do I know you won’t sting me?”  The scorpion says, “Because if I do, I will die too.”

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp,”Why?”

The scorpion replies: “It’s my nature…”

The Scorpion & The Frog

Let’s stop wasting time and energy on these sucka DJs a.k.a. scorpions who can do bad all by themselves. Trust me, they can. They are not worthy, people!

They are not worthy people.

Sour Girl

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A brief glimpse of my dating life since 1999 (only the most pertinent are listed):

1. Quest (phone)
2. Lavalife (phone)
3. Lavalife (online)
4. blinddate.excite.com
5. Yahoo personals (online)
6. Match.com (online)
7. Plenty Of Fish (online)
8. eHarmony (online)
9. Interracial Dating (online)
10. Uniform Dating (online)
11. Eligon (online)
12. OK Cupid (online)
13. eVow (online)
14. 25 Dates (speed dating)
15. Meet Market Adventure (singles events)
16. Lifemates (matchmaker)
17. Venus and Mars Matchmaking (matchmaker)
18. It’s Just Lunch (matchmaker)
19. Single In The City (singles events)
20. Bars, clubs, work, car conventions, school, fake proms, concerts, solo walks, ice cream parlours, other f*cking countries!!!

*single blink*

THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO END UP UNDER THE RIGHT PERSON’S NOSE. Mark it on your calendars, friends. As of today, Monday, August 27, 2012…I. Am. Done. This is not because I believe the “stop looking and it will happen” sh!t the world of people in relationships like to spew to those of us who aren’t. It’s because I actually don’t care anymore. I have toys, batteries and a libido that cannot be tamed. In four years, I’ll have saved up enough money to the buy the seeds I need to give me my family so eff it. Eff it all.

Today’s post brought to you by: FRANKLY, I DON’T GIVE AN ACTUAL DAMN.

My sunny disposition MAY return tomorrow but don’t hold me to that.

Shorty Swung My Way

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There are plenty of couples, celebrity and non, where the men are shorter than their female counterparts: Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban, Sophie Dahl/Jamie Cullum, Janet Jackson/Jermaine Dupree…you get the idea. Somehow in the early 2000s a gypsy unknowingly stroked my cheek and murmured: ”You lookin’ good, shorty. Good, sho’ enough, good enough for me” which caused all the Frodos of the land to find me. *single blink*

I’ve NEVER been comfortable dating men who are shorter than I am but in those years I felt like a charity case and that these guys were doing me a huge favour. But always in my mind (and still to this day), there’s something about a big ol’ man with some meat on his bones that makes an awkward bird like me feel so much more like a lady. They can lift you up and flip you over and make you go on your tippy toes for a smooch.  Mmmmmmmmm it’s just so good to me! This is simply my preference. I have dated men my height, some were incredibly slight and I felt like they would be taken away in the wind like Mary Poppins. Some others were quite lovely and I didn’t even take notice. When a man is SIGNIFICANTLY smaller in height and weight, it just doesn’t feel right. Let me tell you about the time I dated a lovable Ewok (that’s redundant, right? How can an Ewok not be lovable?):

He was a lovely man. In the 2000′s I frequented live music venues to check out the indie scene in the city.  That’s how we met. We would run into each other on the street all the time and chat and then go our separate ways.  He was a darling little thing, only three apples high (seriously though, his head probably landed between my shoulder and elbow). He was super-nice, talented and asked me out so who was I to turn that opportunity ‘no.’ He invited me to his shows (he was a musician), we would hangout and everything was cool…but I just couldn’t get past the height difference. Holding hands, which is one of my favourite things, made us both feel weird so we opted not to.

I don’t think there was a “moment” where I decided I just couldn’t continue seeing him in a romantic way, but I think I just became more and more withdrawn until I told him I didn’t see him that way anymore.  A testament to this guy is he and I have remained friends over all these years. So to EVERYONE WHO THINKS I ONLY CHOOSE BAD GUYS, they ain’t all bad. I can honestly say I don’t think I made a mistake on this one, you can’t help what or who attracts you – it’s that indescribable thing.  It’s that person who embodies all the characteristics and flaws and quirks you didn’t know you found charming. Everything else you had on your proverbial checklist falls by the wayside when you meet that person and it simply clicks.

In the online and real-world dating scene, it seems that men are getting shorter and smaller and there’s nothing I can do about this. I may be pretty picky these days, but it’s come from years and years of being in situations I didn’t enjoy or feel comfortable in.  I mean, I have to look at my love life like an all-you-can-eat-foods-of-the-world buffet: I am allowed to taste every single delicacy from around the world, and you best believe I’ll get my fingers into every last morsel. But sometimes I’m going to taste something that just doesn’t agree with me. I’m not going to dash the whole tray in the garbage because I don’t like it – there’s a long line of other people who have paid their dues to enjoy this buffet too.  Someone is bound to love that treat as it should be loved.  And maybe, if I’m lucky, someone will have done me the same courtesy.  The undamaged tray they left alone will suit my tastebuds just fine. Hell, I may want to eat what’s on that tray every day for the rest of my life. That may sound boring to you, but that’s the only reason I agreed to come to this buffet.

Hey Mr. Writer

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CHALLENGE:

I am T-I-R-E-D of my current online profiles. Yes, plural profiles (I’m everywhere). I am the first person to tell you I don’t trust my own judgement so I’m putting the control in your hands! I won’t edit or censor them* – each profile I receive will get one full week online and I will let you know the results.

Here are some guidelines (if you’ve never seen online dating profiles before):

• include a description of me (not necessarily a physical description since I have photos up, but something about my personality, what I do, etc.)
• a summary of the type of person I should be looking for
• a description of a fun first date idea
• Keep it simple. The point is to capture the reader’s interest right off the bat
• NO LYING!
• ALL profiles should be written as though I’m writing it, so don’t say “She’s a great catch because…” It should be “I’m a great catch because…”  NOTE: Don’t use anything about me being a ‘great catch’ – it was a lame example! *single blink*

Send ALL profiles to singleblinkblog@gmail.com by Friday, April 20th.  I will begin posting profiles the following week and will report back on all of the messages I receive. You will vote who I should pursue. I won’t be able to share their photos but I will share as much information as I can and then y’all can tell me ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ – majority wins. Make sense?

You don't have to be Shakespeare, just have fun with it!

I can’t wait to see what you come up with.

*I don’t swear so I ask that you refrain from curse words in the write-up since it wouldn’t be true to my own voice.  If there are any curse words, I will ask you to revise it and if you won’t, then I will not be able to post it to my profile.