Please press play:
Let me paint you a picture…
I’ve been asked out on a date by a very charismatic suitor. And this ain’t just any date, my friends. He is going to take…me…out, Franz Ferdinand styles. I was promised the 4 Ds: Drinks, Dinner, Dessert and Dancing. This date has me puuuumped uuuuup! I know I can’t be out all night long but hell…as long as I stick to my itinerary I will make the most of the time we have together. Let’s go over the list:
- Leave the office promptly at 5:30PM EST; travel home (40 mins)
- Call date to confirm meeting place & time. Leave voicemail. Worry. (5-10 mins)
- Arrive home and select outfit for date – keep it colourful and fun! Remember Ari, you’re a delight. (15 mins)
- MAKE A MAD DASH INTO THE SHOWER – SOAP/SCRUB/SHAVE EVERYTHING!!! (45-60 BLOODCLOT mins)
- Double-check all body parts are shiny and smooth (5 secs)
- Lotion, baby oil, wait, repeat – ashy always comes back. (7 mins)
- Put on selected outfit. (5 mins)
- Remove outfit and change aggressively into something else. (2 mins)
- Jacket, cab fare, SCANDAL BAG, BREAK-OUT THE FRONT DOOR (0.5 secs)
I arrive at the destination, sit at the bar and receive a text message: Something came up. Hope this got you in time. TTYL.
It’s my own fault, really. But maaaaan, all I can do is curse him FOREVER for making me waste a good bathing. I HATE THAT! Am I the only one? *single blink*
"Everything you done to me, already done to you."
Single Blink 
I would’ve not replied to the text.
I did not reply to the text. But you best believe I enjoyed my damn night – that shower was NOT going to waste.
Cause u KNOW ashy always comes damn back! Ha
hahahahaaa! Dead!
Have fun babes! Looking for the post 2moro on how awesome the date was.
Smooches!
Oh shoot this already happened! Daaamn rat bastard. So vex he did that.
Not cool! *angryface*
T… You’re killing me. ‘im chupid. Chuh. I had so much wine that night and it. was. good.
holy guacamole.
I wish I was eating guacamole right now. Sister date soon?
You ARE the best!! f**k him!
ps. this Celie ref shot is killing me!!!!!!
Right?! Me and Celie go way back. I do those fingers on the daily to any and all that get in my way. But for reals, eff him FOR REALS. P.S. this happened awhile ago and haven’t heard a whisper from him since – maybe karma got him. Hope so.